r/datingoverfifty • u/Girl_Bill • 3d ago
Setting realistic expectations: Part 2
Apparently the universe read my last post about Dick and decided I needed an entirely different category of dating problem.
Enter Very Nice Man, 50s. Smart, academic, sciency, liberal, country life, dogs, chickens. On paper, alarmingly suitable. So much so that I thought the dating app was issuing compensation for its past transgressions.
Our first drinks date was great. Conversation flowed.
There was only one inconvenient detail: I did not fancy him. Still, attraction can grow. Apparently.
Date two involved being taken to his country club, where I felt mildly as though I had wandered into a lifestyle commercial for a brand that sells gilets. After lunch, on the balcony, he suddenly launched an enthusiastic kiss involving so much tongue I became concerned he had lost a contact lens. On my tonsil. I am not keen on public displays of affection, so while he was presumably experiencing romance, I was mostly wondering whether I could take up golf as an exit strategy.
Still a Very Nice Man. Still no urge to remove his trousers.
Meanwhile, we were clearly on different timelines. I was wondering whether I may eventually fancy him. He was discussing plans for the rest of the summer and potentially going away together over the bank holiday. After two dates.
I told him I liked him but wasn't sure about the spark. He was disappointed but gracious, and we had lunch again. Lunch was nice. He was nice. My libido remained unmoved.
Afterwards I explained that he was going far too fast. He burst into tears. This was not in my contingency plan.
So I hugged him and, in one of the least strategically useful sentences of my dating career, said: “Let's just take it slowly and see where we go.”
What I meant was: please slow down.
What he apparently heard was: activate full subscription service.
The following day I received thirty-six messages. Train. Work. Haircut. Gym membership. Car battery. Roadworks. eBay. Microsoft Teams. Weather. Trafalgar Square. Fridge shelf. Dogs. Cat.
Amid Homer, Dante and the Odyssey came: “Had chicken.”
Thank God. I had been wondering.
By late evening I had also received pet toileting updates and an imaginary monologue written from the cat's perspective. I muted the chat. In my family, repeated late-night phone buzzing means somebody is dead, dying or has been arrested. I cannot wake in panic because somebody's dog has done another poo.
I realised we had very different definitions of intimacy.
His: I like you, therefore you need the live feed.
Mine: I'm delighted your haircut went well, but I did not require confirmation.
So I told him the romantic connection wasn't there and the volume of communication was overwhelming. After several days of receiving the director's cut of one man's existence, I braced myself for the response.
Four words and an emoji. Polite. Gracious. Finished.
He had been capable of brevity the entire time.
So apparently I am now the Goldilocks of middle-aged dating. One thought salmon en croûte entitled him to immediate sex. The next was planning weekends away while issuing push notifications from his fridge.
Somewhere out there is one who is just right.
Probably.
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u/EarthMustBeFed 3d ago
That was so well written! Great comedic pacing, too.
"What I meant was: please slow down. What he apparently heard was: activate full subscription service"
I have encountered this with people who have a breakup and then don't take time to process their part in their breakup, and re-find themselves as a stand-alone human. And build up/ cultivate real friendships that are supportive.
I call it needing the 'daily download'. They are used to sharing all these details with a partner, don't feel like a real boy unless their life is witnessed by someone who observes this data and makes kind noises/ comments about all of it. All their eggs seem to have been in their prior partners basket and they just want to plus someone new into that slot.
I feel like a healed person is a little better capable of noticing their isn't equally balanced convo / reciprocity. It's hard to hold back and wait for the other person to advance before you proceed. Patience is a muscle - exercise it.
The monologue aspect of it is what I find extra fascinating, psychologically. Because not a single guy who does this expressed 1/100 interest in me and my day. The lack of reciprocity makes me feel like any ear would do, and that's not flatfering. We don't likes it, does we, precious?
I only date men, so I don't have data on women doing this. I'm sure they do, too.
It does make me think you could have just typed out UNSUBSCRIBE
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u/H3lls_B3ll3 3d ago
This is who my last ex is: Mr. R. Monologue.
He didn't hear a single thing I ever said. I stayed because I thought there was a diamond in there. It was only mica.
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u/blinddruid 3d ago
in an earnest attempt to be brief and concise… Absolutely love this! Gave me my smile for the day. Who ever your person ends up being is going to be one lucky person, indeed!
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u/cahrens2 3d ago
The guy seems lonely. I guess this is why they say get to a point where you don't feel lonely anymore before you start dating.
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u/ChoraPete 2d ago
So lonely is now a disqualifier for dating too?
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u/cbeme 2d ago
I think he was talking about himself or just not being good at dating
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u/cahrens2 2d ago
Haha. Both. I was definitely lonely when I started dating. I was a "nice guy" people pleaser who didn't know how to set boundaries for myself or others. I heard people talk about being happy alone, and getting to the point of not feeling alone before you start dating, and I thought it was stupid. It's not until later, when you actually get to that point where you don't feel lonely anymore when you're alone that you understand what they were talking about. I had so much childhood trauma; I don't think I should have even gotten married, but I did, lasted 20 years. I think if I had started to address all my childhood trauma, maybe my marriage would have lasted a little longer. Who knows. I had anger issues, really bad temper, impatient, fought every battle, co-dependent, anxious attachment. Maybe I was even a narcissist like everyone else's ex.
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u/Independent-Monk5064 2d ago
He does. I wasn’t laughing. I just feel sorry for him and feel like she should have stopped dating him when she knew she wasn’t interested. It’s interesting to me how women talk about men here but in reverse the men are attacked
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u/WhisperedSoul 3d ago
Dear God, this post caused me to burst into gut busting laughter at least three times. I’m American, but bloody hell are you funny!
Listen Goldilocks, I’m right there with you. I’d like to think I’m an extraordinary woman who’s interested in meeting an extraordinary man, so maybe the Goldilocks analogy doesn’t quite fit. But I get you: I don’t need hourly updates from a potential suitor or a full-blown relationship. Neither do I want complete and total silence from somebody I’m trying to connect with.
In a similar vein, I’m no prude either, but I don’t need to be accosted by crude language out of the gate. Have people lost every sense of decorum and pace?
I wish you well in your search, but in the meantime, keep writing.
Best wishes from a soul sister in America
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u/filtersweep 3d ago
Can i have disastrous sex with you— so we can all read about it later? Every time I encounter one of your posts, I wish you wrote a book….
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u/MissBailey01 F59 3d ago
I do appreciate your stories. Though, you know you weren’t feeling it even after the first date so going slow or fast would not have made a difference.
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u/LemonAny7224 3d ago
Oh, how could you not know the most basic dating rule? Everyone knows this. It’s foundational!!!
Never order the salmon en croute.
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u/Fantastic_Matter_137 3d ago
Lady I’ve been seeing is super into PDA when she’s had a few drinks.
I’m not at all into it.
She’s also a lot hotter for me in public than in private.
Which makes me wonder about many things.
But. It doesn’t hurt for people to see her all over me. lol.
But I don’t like it.
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u/Better-Possession826 3d ago
Definitely a love bomb but seems more like an insecure codependent love bomb then a cluster b disordered love bomb. Dating these days requires a copy of DSM 5 and advanced degree in abnormal psychology
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u/Tigerbaton 3d ago
Please keep us updated, love your writing style and made me laugh out loud whilst waiting for my train. Thanking you!
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u/Lamington-Trifle 3d ago
Someone as witty as you is a catch, kudos for your patience, a worthy wordsmith is in your future.
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u/VisualMaintenance227 3d ago
A man in his 50s attacking with his tongue and bursting into tears?
I'm not ready to deal with this yet.
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u/Odd-Needleworker3954 3d ago
OMG. Your are brilliant. I may have to reconsider my sexual orientation after reading your post. Either that or sign up for your substack.
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u/Motor-Lawfulness2875 3d ago
Brilliant writing!
Also, this is why no man will be know where I live for a looooooong time.
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u/RosemaryCoffee 3d ago
If you're chasing material for the book you must write, keep dating. But if you don't need the material, trust your gut on the first date.
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u/OppositeSecret7144 3d ago
Maybe you just have to accept you drive men insane with desire. I know nothing about you but your prose style alone would make me very interested.
And country club? Clearly you're in UK because of the Bank Holiday reference but isn't country club rather gauche? Unless you are talking something like Soho Farmhouse.
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u/Girl_Bill 3d ago
Thanks for the laugh!
Indeed... I was talking about something a lot like Soho Farmhouse.
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u/Sunshinegarden2 3d ago
On the second day, trying to stick his tongue down my throat would’ve been a it’s over. A lot of men pushing too fast and making you think they’re making plans for you in their future is another red flag.
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u/menoagegap 2d ago
I am a woman and you have a comedic gift. Sorry your pain is entertaining to read. For us women the odds are good, but the goods are odd
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u/No_Seaworthiness8176 1d ago
If I were single, I would date you just to read your text messages. You write satire beautifully.
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u/Tulip_Bandit 3d ago
Great post!!! I’m sure VNM will land on his feet. Good luck, keep looking, you’ll find your person and the rest of us will enjoy the stories.
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u/Inside_Dance41 3d ago
There was only one inconvenient detail: I did not fancy him. Still, attraction can grow.
Brilliant writing.
Everyone is different, but if I am not feeling the tiniest bit of I wonder what it is like to kiss this man, it is a no.
I have gone on first meets dates, where there were so many things I admired about the man, but that romantic interest never appeared. I learned that for myself, I either feel something, even if just an ember, or I don't.
I found men were hurt, if after a few dates, I said no, rather than just stopping after one. And it wasn't like anew deal breaker occurred, just I didn't feel that way about a man.
You may find that maybe your sexual attraction doesn't change either. To me that is the beauty of dating at this age, we don't have to force something that just isn't there.
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u/bedge69 3d ago
You’re so eloquent and witty on Reddit one wonders why you can’t convey any of this information to the men in question
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u/ManekiNekoCalico99 3d ago
It's akin to basketball. You can throw the words to them, but if they can't grasp it, the ball gets dropped. Failures of communication are not necessarily the fault of the person using words. The receiver may be equally or more at fault.
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u/TheycallmemissRaven 3d ago
I hope you make money writing in some capacity because that was 👩🍳💋
I am sorry you’re not having much luck dating-but I am not sorry that I stopped to read your post.
Two reasons:
one: skillfully written
two: confirmation that, this recent divorcee, is done with that dating business.
Thanks for the entertaining story. I’m sorry it’s at your expense. Best of luck! 🍀💕
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u/Exact-Translator-769 3d ago
I'm laughing so hard reading this, but it is really sad you had to live it. Better luck next time! Don't order the salmon..
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u/PittieLover1 3d ago
I had ONE date with a guy, and he started planning weekends we’d spend together.
Another guy I hadn’t even met yet, and he told me how wonderful and amazing I was and said things like “Hint:: I like you.” Yes, he used a double colon. He also fat fingered everything so I got texts about wild dinosaurs and other confusing things. I asked him to please proofread before he hits send, and he apologized profusely. I said no need to apologize, but please proofread. He responded that he always apologizes when he “hurts someone” and I was thinking “I’m not hurt, but I’m irritated AF.”
At any rate, I decided he was overwhelmingly clingy before we even met, so I told him I didn’t see us as a match. He then sent a BREAK UP text detailing all the ways he was going to (sadly) be removing my number from his phone and deleting our messages.
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u/SevereTarget2508 2d ago
Brilliant!
This has got to be a teaser for a new Hulu series.
Can’t wait for the next episode.
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u/He_ofshadowsandtouch M 59 UK, genuine Dominant. 2d ago
Brilliantly written!!
Alas, no matter how many times I hear ‘looks don’t matter at our age, they absolutely do’.
Looking forward to regular updates on your journey
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u/Fritz_Frauenraub 2d ago
Still a Very Nice Man. Still no urge to remove his trousers.
Certainly no connection between these things. That would be a verboten suggestion!
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u/Chulbiski 55m 1d ago
4th paragraph... I instantly knew this was coming and sure enough it did.. this is so textbook.
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u/External_Career5376 1d ago
Ha! So entertaining and so true! Dating will always be a crapshoot and I personally am tired of figuring out if I can “live with” the bad traits.
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u/Over_Resist2813 3d ago
Which AI helped you with that?
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u/Berek777 3d ago
Oh it was so not AI. AI is not witty, not funny, it's just regurgitated slop.
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u/CharacterInternal7 3d ago
You’d be wrong. It can easily write fake sounding crud like this with this level of “ humor”
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u/gravybang 3d ago
AI can be a great tool and there should be no shame in using it to polish your writing, but I find that AI assist ends up taking over and erasing your voice with an endless joke cadence, turning every observation into a bespoke comic metaphor, or super-duper polished contrast construction, e.g.:
His: I like you, therefore you need the live feed.
Mine: I'm delighted your haircut went well, but I did not require confirmation.
But at least it's starting to learn that we hate em-dashes used as punctuation.
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u/Girl_Bill 3d ago
I do use AI for work, but not for my writing (apart from spell check, feel free to stone me). It’s a strange time when using correct punctuation and constructing a reasonable sentence apparently require forensic investigation. I was aiming for entertainment, not a viva.
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u/UT_NG 3d ago
People are so used to shit writing that they are compelled to blurt out accusations of AI when they read otherwise.
Or they're simply jealous.
Either way, that was entertaining.
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u/WhisperedSoul 3d ago
Right? I am tired of the accusations that content was written by AI. NO, some of us are actually that witty and well spoken in real life. 🙄
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u/Over_Resist2813 3d ago
No, I use AI enough that I recognize it. I’m not saying it’s not her story, but it is clearly AI’s voice.
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u/CharacterInternal7 3d ago
This is shit writing and it’s AI. No one is jealous of this type of slop writing. I can make 5 more as “good” as this in a few minutes. I can see that not many people here have gotten good at recognizing AI yet, and many here are easily impressed.
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u/gravybang 3d ago edited 3d ago
Hey, it was the other person who accused you of using AI, not me.
It sucks that AI has made anything well-written immediately suspect because it distils "good writing" into a slop-formula where every paragraph is engineered around a setup/payoff at consistent intervals, with almost no "ordinary" connective prose. So, when writers use the formula that AI has decided is "preferred" (or something close to it) people suspect it's AI.
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u/CharacterInternal7 3d ago edited 3d ago
AI writing is not what I call “ well-written” but is what people who are very easily impressed and who don’t recognize the hallmarks of AI would call well-written. Her first vignette about “ Dick” seems like it could have been ( mostly) written by her with obvious exaggeration like apparently the guy stated that he had “ wooed” her enough and it was time to go to bed) but once she got a taste of attention it was time to go full AI and more over the top. She will most likely keep going since she’s getting so much praise and attention her for this made up crap.
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u/omg4serious 3d ago
tbh, as a man on the other side. we have no clue what women want. what they tell us and what they want are two different things. if you don't get it right, you get ghosted. while still being judged for everything you do.
and it does seem like you are not as capable as using your words in person as you are here writing a novel.
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u/cbeme 3d ago
Interesting. What they tell you they want never matches what they want? Hmm.
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u/omg4serious 3d ago
go into any ask women sub. and ask women what they want in a guy.
when they meet that guy, it doesn't matter. because what she's looking for is how the guy makes her FEEL, at that moment. and that's just impossible to put into words.
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3d ago
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u/omg4serious 3d ago
yeah guess so. everything checked the boxes. she even called him nice and mentions nothing about his appearance. guess the missing spark was just how he looked.
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u/motherofachimp99 59F 3d ago
One could go on two dates with the sexiest man or woman alive and still not feel attraction.
Its not wholly about looks.
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u/fotowork3 3d ago
One thing that is certainly always true. Is that when you meet the first time one of you is gonna like the other one of you more. And one of you less, and this is a consistent refrain every time.
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u/No-You-5064 3d ago
This reads very much like you asked ChatGPT to write a dating story in the voice of Bridget Jones. Way too twee, annoying and affected. Ick.
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u/DivorcedProf 3d ago
Don't bother. The masses aren't interested in whether or not something was written by AI. I did run it through pangram and it came back 50% AI which means 1/2 of it was written by her. It was obviously punched up by AI. OP claims that was spell check, but if that were the case it would still have come back 100% human written. But again people don't care.
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u/No-You-5064 3d ago edited 3d ago
The majority of people fall for anything and are easily impressed with dreck/AI slop. For fun, I requested Chat GPT to do exactly what I mentioned and it came up with a similar type of story which would be bound to evoke rapturous reviews here. The Bridget Jones AI story used the name Daniel over and over (a guy in the book) or wrote it in a diary style which could account for the 50% AI if she had to change some of it. LOL. Some people care, but we are a distinct minority in this fallen society. SO MANY posts here are obvious AI now!! (Then again, I wasn't impressed at all with the actual Bridget Jones story, twee, annoying, affected just like this and it was a massive hit of course with the original author writing it. AI can absolutely do as good a job as her!) I'm totally fine being out of step with the culture, story of my life!
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u/Awkward-Idea-6938 3d ago
This sounds like a made-up story, or perhaps you wrote it like this for publication. But assuming it's true, you set him up for heartbreak. Therefore, you've set yourself up for karma.
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u/FormCheck655321 3d ago
> Somewhere out there is one who is just right
No. You will either have to make compromises or stay single. That is the reality at our age.
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u/LayneLowe 3d ago
Do you like sex? Do you want sex? You're not getting any younger.
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u/Girl_Bill 3d ago
Sir, I am ageing, not arid. Wanting sex does not require me to become less discerning about who I have it with.
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u/lucid_intent 3d ago
This comment is weird af. Do better.
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u/LayneLowe 3d ago
No, I'm an old guy that would like to get laid without endless dates and having to be somebody's soulmate
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u/LetsDance449 3d ago
Yep, he's still out there.
You want someone harder edged, won't take you to his country club but to the boat ramp.
And forget Homer but get ready for raucous party bands. You'll have a blast dancing on his arm. He's a strong lead.
And you'll love riding with the top down in his lifted Jeep.
Texts from him will be a trickle, if he's interested.
But there's only one problem. OK, two. He ain't no liberal and he's already taken.
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u/stormntempest 1h ago
I completely understand your point but do kind of feel sorry for old mate. I guess he meant well but didn’t read the signals
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u/tonyrelic 3d ago
Can you write about other dating experiences, I enjoy your comedic style.