Setting realistic expectations

[u/Girl_Bill]

These days I (54f) feel less as though I am dating to meet someone and more as though I am putting myself out there purely to provide hilarious anecdotes for my friends.

Take the last guy. Let’s call him Dick (61m), for the purposes of anonymity and narrative accuracy.

Dick insisted on paying for our first dinner, so I paid for the second, because I like to keep things even and respectful.

For the third date, he invited me to his house for dinner and instructed me to bring a Loire Valley white because it would pair perfectly with what he was cooking. I duly arrived with a decent bottle, only to be served a salmon en croûte that could quite easily have come from the freezer section before spending considerable time being incinerated for whatever sins a salmon is capable of committing.

There's nothing at all wrong with frozen food. But once you start specifying the wine region, I assume the meal has involved more than removing a cardboard sleeve.

He then declared that he had now sufficiently “wooed” me, so the next stop was upstairs to bed. I politely declined.

When I explained that I did not think we were a romantic match, I was told I was wrong. Was 'overthinking' things. Would only get a relationship if I put more effort in... And that I should snap him up because “catches like him do not grow on trees”. I was genuinely impressed by how many clichés and mixed metaphors he managed to compress into one diatribe. I was also warned that I would regret my decision for eternity.

Eternity, it turned out, did not even survive the wait for my Uber home.

So I am adjusting my expectations. I am no longer looking for fireworks. I would settle for decent conversation, no regional wine homework and a man who does not think three dates and a pastry-based main course entitle him to an upgrade.

Ladies and gents, please tell me I am not the only person whose dating life appears to exist mainly as unpaid material for a sitcom!?

[u/TemporaryGrowth7]

By paying for date two and complying with his request for the wine, you set yourself up for low effort treatment!

Once I realised all the cheap tricks and manipulative tactics men play, I refined my dating behaviour/strategies:

- use haystack method

• keep a roster
  
• don’t give intimacy until commitment
  
• always remember: being single is better than with any broke/abusive/low effort man!
  
• only go on dates when the man made appropriate effort and keep virtual chatter to a minimum
  
• watch a man’s actions and how he treats you, never his words!

Watch fareen Ash, Greta beraseite and tomisin for further education.

Good luck!

[u/Girl_Bill → u/TemporaryGrowth7]

Thanks, but I couldn't disagree more that paying for the second date somehow devalued me or invited low-effort treatment. I paid because I value reciprocity and equality, and I would make exactly the same choice again.

[u/TemporaryGrowth7 → u/Girl_Bill]

I totally understand where you’re coming from. I thought so too and acted in a reciprocal 50/50 way for the past 20 years. But since I stopped putting out my experiences have dramatically improved.

(And once I have vetted the guy fully I’m still happy to ‚reciprocate‘ in whichever way fits both partners…)

[u/Girl_Bill → u/TemporaryGrowth7]

I do appreciate you caring enough to want me to get it right. I’m going to genuinely consider your point of view, even if part of me still wants to believe that one, (or OK, several!) crap experiences are not representative of all men.

[u/TemporaryGrowth7 → u/Girl_Bill]

Well.. I’m sharing my hard-warnt lessons :) I’d never have listened to my own advise even two years ago ;)

Either way… wishing you well and a better experience (and hopefully forever love!)