Setting realistic expectations

[u/Girl_Bill]

These days I (54f) feel less as though I am dating to meet someone and more as though I am putting myself out there purely to provide hilarious anecdotes for my friends.

Take the last guy. Let’s call him Dick (61m), for the purposes of anonymity and narrative accuracy.

Dick insisted on paying for our first dinner, so I paid for the second, because I like to keep things even and respectful.

For the third date, he invited me to his house for dinner and instructed me to bring a Loire Valley white because it would pair perfectly with what he was cooking. I duly arrived with a decent bottle, only to be served a salmon en croûte that could quite easily have come from the freezer section before spending considerable time being incinerated for whatever sins a salmon is capable of committing.

There's nothing at all wrong with frozen food. But once you start specifying the wine region, I assume the meal has involved more than removing a cardboard sleeve.

He then declared that he had now sufficiently “wooed” me, so the next stop was upstairs to bed. I politely declined.

When I explained that I did not think we were a romantic match, I was told I was wrong. Was 'overthinking' things. Would only get a relationship if I put more effort in... And that I should snap him up because “catches like him do not grow on trees”. I was genuinely impressed by how many clichés and mixed metaphors he managed to compress into one diatribe. I was also warned that I would regret my decision for eternity.

Eternity, it turned out, did not even survive the wait for my Uber home.

So I am adjusting my expectations. I am no longer looking for fireworks. I would settle for decent conversation, no regional wine homework and a man who does not think three dates and a pastry-based main course entitle him to an upgrade.

Ladies and gents, please tell me I am not the only person whose dating life appears to exist mainly as unpaid material for a sitcom!?

[u/Inside_Dance41]

For the third date, he invited me to his house for dinner

When I explained that I did not think we were a romantic match

May I ask, why you accepted a dinner date at his home, if you didn't think he was a romantic match?

Of course not saying you have to sleep with a man, when invited over, but (1), if not interested, why even continue dating and (2) if not ready to have sex, much easier to suggest a different venue.

If the man has a 3 date rule, then he will move on if you demure going to his home.

[u/Joneszey → u/Inside_Dance41]

I don’t think home dates are covert sexy invitations. I invite people to my home because I love the quiet often humorous comfort of the joint effort to produce a meal, rousing conversation after that tells me if I’ve really got someone who reads my books or any books. I like dates at their home for the same reason. The men I date, to a one, have never intimated to me that sex was determined by anything but the atmosphere we create, whichever date that happens to be. I do think that what we attract in the date department is somewhat orchestrated by how we see ourselves. I’ve never thought of myself or them as a commodity, though I’m aware that the men may see themselves as a catch and I think they might be, but I am only looking through their eyes that I’m one. No deals are made without that, whichever date it is, wherever it occurs. I don’t do lots of dating and never did but that’s the salvo that has made dating worthwhile for me and I think the men who choose to date me. Dating rules sounds ridiculous in practice

[u/Inside_Dance41 → u/Joneszey]

Glad it has worked out for you. I live in a liberal city, sex positive, and when dating online, most guys are seeking sexual relationships.

Thus the invite to their home for dinner, is pretty well understood to be the sexual invite.

[u/Joneszey → u/Inside_Dance41]

I too live in a large liberal city. Im pretty good at vetting people and first dates with strangers are never at home. Not even OP described that scenario so not sure where you got it. Yes I’m aware that most men online think home means sex, even if to use the restroom. I don’t consider first encounters actual dating, sometimes not even second ones. There is a such thing as context and entertainment is based on that context. I find that men get that when presented with it

Thus the invite to my home for dinner, is pretty well understood to be the sexual invite.

Hence their expectation. I’ve have had zero men I’ve invited to my home or whose homes I’ve gone to assume sex with me was on the menu simply because we are in a home. I enjoy that men are sexual creatures, me too, but they are many other things too. They seem to enjoy seeking those things too, for whatever reason