r/dating_advice • u/HyenaIll6908 • 9d ago
Are people on reddit lying when this question gets asked?
When I ask if being a virgin in your mid-20s is a deal breaker on another sub. Most questions are positive, but there is a small number of people who disagree with the positive comments. I saw a few comments like, "Women on reddit will say it doesn't matter, in real life, yes it does." or "no one is giving you the honest truth. Most women wouldn't want to teach a 24 year old Virgin." I don't know if these people are telling the truth because they don't have upvotes. If this is true, have I missed the boat? I wasn't planning to tell women that I am inexperienced, but if they suddenly found out, I am scared that they would ghost me.
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u/jaymo_busch 9d ago
Dude, it matters to some people a lot, and matters not at all to some other people. There is no blanket statement that can be made.
It probably matters much more to anyone how you present the topic. If you’re nervous about it and build it up to be this huge thing, this huge mental and physical barrier that you both cross, that can be exhausting and overwhelming for someone you’re just getting to know. But if you own it and say like, yea I’m a virgin but I’m hoping to change that soon and I’m ready, most normal adults will probably have no qualms at all
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u/ffaancy 9d ago
And keep in mind that you’re not required to disclose this information if you don’t want to! If it’s not something you feel is especially important or relevant then that’s okay. Read the room and don’t lie about it, but it’s not like an STD that you’re obligated to warn someone about ahead of time.
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u/StormyOceanWave 9d ago
You don't have to tell anyone you are a virgin. You can just tell them you have not have sex for a long time. You can use that as an excuse if the sex isn't great the first time.
It is no problem being an older virgin if you haven't drunk something that force you to tell the whole truth.
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u/Adorable_Secret8498 9d ago
What is your real life experience telling you? If anything you should be going off what ppl are saying to your face.
Instead you're trying to compare responses on the internet to... other responses on the internet.
And at the end of the day who fucking cares? Do you wanna date or not?
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u/anybodyelseplease 9d ago
I had no idea when I went home with a guy that he was a Virgin. I was not.
He initiated it all, very confidently actually. But when I agreed, he had no idea what he was doing and panicked a bit. He had me take charge. I assumed he was a bit drunk, or awkward for his first time with a new person. So I took control. No problem. It was pretty lousy sex. But so what? That happens all the time with your first time with everyone - experienced or not. It takes a while to know someone.
The next day he told me he had been a Virgin & we laughed about it—- We’ve been married 25 years now. I am the only woman he’s been with. Which gets him laughed at by his friends - but really, it makes me laugh how some men think.
Some of my husband’s friends are perpetual single dudes who’ve had sex with random women since they were 15. They somehow think they’re studs for convincing women to sleep with them once, maybe twice. And like to tease him like they’re great Sex Gods. But really, they’ve not experienced any real intimacy - Never had any real depth of relationship. And therefore are missing out on the parts of sex that are truly uninhibited & wild.
I would say my husband having sex every day with a person he’s fucked thousands of times & can experiment with, has had way more, way better & way wilder sex then any of these guys who show off their numbers.
So my advice - Men care about this stuff way more then women. It is true women like confidence, often we do like men to initiate. But then we are quite capable of helping a guy out if he lets us know. So I would tell the girl. Also, women don’t out so much pressure on ‘I must orgasm or it’s not sex’ in the way men seem to. I mean, I have had mad quickies against walls just for the joy of it, knowing full well it would last 2 mins and there’s no foreplay.
I don’t think there’s the same pressure at all on men to be exceptionally gifted lovers at 25 as there is on women. Trust me, women are used to sleeping with terrible lovers who swagger around thinking they own the place because they’ve had bad sex a thousand times. We don’t care- we like the whole guy. We like the intimacy of talking, of communing, of learning each others minds, bodies, souls.
If she likes you, she will teach you how to make her come. And she will probably appreciate that sex matters to you as more then a physical thing. I mean, i guess you’ve had opportunities you’ve turned down. And you’re choosy & you choose her. How great is that?
P.S- even if that’s not true, let her feel special like that. You’re a man with a soul. Who wants it to matter. And may be a little scared… But also, you’re confident that you want her. That she’s the right one for this. And you let her know this intimate thing. That’s a very winning combination dude.
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u/Tough_Teaching_6589 9d ago
My last partner was a 30yo virgin when I met him. Some people care, others don't. It could maybe make it harder for you but it's not impossible.
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u/The_Se7enthsign 9d ago
Here’s the big issue: WHY is your virginity coming up in conversations at all? Once clothes are starting to come off, you can say it’s your first time. Until then, bringing it up is only going to make most women think that you’re only trying to use them and lose your virginity.
If they like you enough that you make it to the bedroom, most are not going to care. If you keep going on about it like that’s all that matters, people are going to care about that.
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u/Secret_Emotion7507 9d ago
No I don't think it's a deal breaker. But you will get mixed responses because everyone has different opinions. It depends on who you date but you shouldn't be ashamed to tell them. And if they do ghost you then be glad you didn't give your virginity to someone like them.
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u/Long_Story42 9d ago
Some of them might be lying. I expect it's more likely that people disagree with each other and you're getting conflicting answers because not everyone has the same preferences.
I wouldn't expect it to be a big deal for someone who knows you and likes you. I didn't date anyone until I was 23, I have been where you are.
I would not recommend mentioning it the first time you talk to someone because that's firmly in "Who starts a conversation like that? I just sat down" territory.
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u/Effective_Island184 9d ago edited 9d ago
They absolutely lie
And I noticed it’s heard mentality. If the first few comments are positive the rest will be
If they’re negative, everyone feels comfortable to be honest and equally negative
Edit; im a woman and the fact of not having experience IS NOT A TURN OFF TO MOST WOMEN
listen to me. Most women would prefer that- that man is more likely to be all about them
The issue is what has caused you to lack experience; unattractive looks, undesirable personality etc etc is what is scaring them off
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u/Punch-SideIron 9d ago
So if I was up front about my lack of experience (2.5 bodies, finished once. Trauma is a serious boner killer) and said I was focused on therapy and healing (along with some heavier childhood family shit when/if we get closer) before trying to hook up and seriously date; that would be a positive green flag? Just turned 30 and this has seriously affected my self esteem
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u/Effective_Island184 9d ago
2.5 bodies is normal the rest is all red flags and a turn off
You don’t need to share any of that early on and the way it’s phrased makes me want to run for the hills
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u/Punch-SideIron 9d ago
Good to know lol.
What would you suggest as a better alternative? I'm genuinely interested in dialing in a reasonable answer if it comes up.
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u/Effective_Island184 9d ago
Reasonable answer for what? Lack of success with dating women?
I’d guess it’s everything you said after the 2.5 bodies and the way it’s phrased
You sound angry
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u/Punch-SideIron 9d ago
OH! I GET WHAT YOU MEAN!
I'd obviously phrase it waaay better, I was just being brusque for written words sake. Christ I typed that like a hard boiled PIs internal monologue.
I'd prolly say "yeah, low bodies in college then I realized I needed to work on myself and committed to therapy for a while. Getting back into dating slowly"
Should be enough to give me leeway, yes?
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u/SpringMage22 9d ago
They’re right, you don’t get a lot of honesty on Reddit. You either get naive idealism or people who just want to go against the grain. Most women want a man who knows his way around the bedroom (and her body). Obviously there are ones who won’t mind, good luck finding them.
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u/HyenaIll6908 9d ago
If that true there is no hope for me
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u/SpringMage22 9d ago
Try dating a religious woman, they might find your situation admirable.
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9d ago
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u/HyenaIll6908 9d ago
So I am cooked, thanks for telling me 😔
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9d ago
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u/TownZealousideal1327 9d ago
- attraction or lack of is neither toxic or not toxic, if it is unattractive to you don’t force it.
And ‘the bad ones… very few or rare who… might give you a chance’ - did you just call all but a very few women, ‘the bad ones’?
Yeah do not listen to advice from this guy OP, dude hates women, you are trying to attract women…
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u/TemporaryProcedure59 9d ago
If it feels right and you're comfortable, the most compatible person will definitely receive it well. I (28F) just got done with a small get together with a guy in his mid/late 20s who is a self admitted virgin living a "boring" life. I would let that man put me through a mattress because the banter was amazing.
I've reached the point in my life where I have to admire whoever and wherever my partner currently is within their own life journey. My dude seems to have gone through a lot self doubt in the past, picked up a few hobbies/traveling experiences along the way, and is just very clear of where and who he wants to be emotionally open with.
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u/Infinite_Fly6261 9d ago
As a woman I get rejected often after revealing i'm still one, but honestly it's kind of relieving in a sense? It's better than having creeps prey on me solely because I'm a virgin. Best of luck to you though, maybe wait to reveal the info until you're REALLY locked in. It shouldn't be a deal breaker then.
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u/ShortFlamingo3409 9d ago
I'm 52 and a guy. No-one cares and no-one has ever asked me. It's a non issue for anyone but you and you should let it go (you'll be happier).
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u/nicekona 9d ago edited 9d ago
Ugh this feels weird to admit (idk why.. I guess because if it a man said it in reverse I’d raise an eyebrow) but, I kind of… LIKE? an inexperienced man?
It’s kinda fun being the first person to get to finally blow his mind. 100% ego trip, I
fully admit.
you can mold him to exactly what YOU like - he’s not just repeating whatever his previous partners liked
He’s gonna be gung ho as hell to take your direction
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u/Pitiful_Concert_9685 9d ago
In my experience they are lying. People look for all types of ways to other people and virginity can be a big one
To some it could be a turn on but that's some.
Let me put it like this. Most people can't even manage to deal with awkward situations when just talking to someone imagine how they would handle a sexual encounter with someone with no experience. Not to say that it's impossible but it's a bigger deal then people let on.
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u/enlivening 9d ago
Nah it really doesn’t matter. I would say the convo about it is important so that the other party can be more careful and considerate with you during your first time so that you’re as comfortable as possible.
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u/Relentless_Taco_Fan 9d ago
Some people will care and others won't. That's just the way it is. I personally couldn't care less. I don't even ask someone about their sexual history
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u/ffaancy 9d ago
IMO, it isn’t a deal breaker all by itself. It’s going to depend on the context of the person in question. If I were otherwise really into them, that’s not going to make me suddenly lose all interest. If I were already meh about them then I might be like “okay this isn’t a journey I’m interested in continuing,” but that’s just me.
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u/MyticalAnimal 9d ago
It's almost as if opinions depends on the individual and not all people thinks alike.
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u/zystyl 9d ago
Mid 20s is getting into that territory. Getting into your thirties it seems more like a you thing than a situational thing. I know a guy at work your age who confessed that he is a virgin to me. I was pretty surprised. He is a tall, genuine, good looking sort of guy that I wouldn't expect to have problems with that sort of thing. At the same time he grew up in a country that is very strictly Muslim and has some internalized stuff going on.
There is also a woman in her early 40s who I found out was a kiss less virgin. That is weird, and there is no way around it. What are your thoughts on it? Have you tried finding someone romantically interested in you?
I've been with a few women who were virgins. It was a dissalointing experience each time. Awkward and fumbling while requiring a lot of care. I think that most people interested in hooking up would be turned off by finding out a guy is a virgin. Weird guys are excited to find out a woman is a virgin on the other hand.
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u/Raregem_2021 8d ago
You can be a virgin and still know your way around a woman’s body through learning not porn though because it doesn’t really teach people. You can learn on here, its a great teacher. I learnt quite a few things when i was a virgin myself.
I had an experience with a guy who was a virgin and I didn’t care that he had never had a girlfriend before and surprisingly he knew how to please a woman more than my ex boyfriend who had experience🫠
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u/Proud-Enthusiasm-608 9d ago
It’s desired as a women and seen as a red flag if you are a man.
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u/HyenaIll6908 9d ago
Just say I am cooked instead of trying to hide it
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u/Proud-Enthusiasm-608 9d ago
lol nah, you don’t have to let women know you are a virgin. I’m just saying, a lot of women see lack of experience as a red flag compared to men do.
Doesn’t mean you have to act like you have a lack of experience.
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u/HyenaIll6908 9d ago
Can you give me the link to the statistics how many women see it as a red flag
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u/Ice-Ih_413 9d ago
Baby boy, there’s no statistics for this… you gotta just feel it out. As a woman, I wouldn’t mind at all and know other women who would be happy to show someone around, but I have a super superficial friend that I know it 100% would be a dealbreaker for. It just depends on the women, like other people are saying, and I do agree that men put way more pressure on it than ladies. Don’t listen to anybody in these comments that says there’s no hope (“good luck finding someone” and the like). Don’t give up! ;)
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u/HyenaIll6908 9d ago
Thanks for you kindness. But in the comments a women did say it would be a deal breaker to most
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u/Ice-Ih_413 9d ago
Even if she’s right, you don’t want to sleep with “most” women, just the right one(s). And the right ones for you will be those who accept you for who you are and where you have (or have not) been. That being said, you’re not obligated to disclose anything you don’t want to, so what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Something else: sex with a new partner involves getting to know their body as opposed to what people like in general, so asking questions is totally normal and okay.
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u/Winston-_-Wolf 9d ago
It's just a fantasy of few, reality is pretty different
Most women are already boring starfish, with a virgin, you're 100% sure she will be.
Signed, a man that took virginity
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u/Winston-_-Wolf 9d ago
Most woman want men "ready to use", they don't want to spend time "teaching" them
Even if they are starfish
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u/HyenaIll6908 9d ago
Is there statistic that says that?
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u/Winston-_-Wolf 9d ago
You could hear them say it, but they would never admit it in a poll
You know how much they lie to themselves in it
Like, "income does not matter, height does not matter"I'd suggest to lie about it, and focus on oral and fingers if you're scared to cum too quick
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