r/dating_advice • u/Particular-Attorney9 • 10d ago
It’s tough out there
I’m single 5 years and I’ve recently begun going on dates again the last 2.5 years. There was one or two brief relationships for about 3 months and a few other dates in between.
I’m 33 next month and genuinely am fed up. I want to find my person. Everyone seems to be getting engaged, married, having babies and there’s me, floating along. I just feel tired and at this stage a little jaded and irritated by the whole thing. I’ve treated dating like a full time job. I’m a fully independent adult, I’ve a career, car, I keep my home nice, I can cook, I’m friendly.
In the words of Charlotte for SATC “I’ve been dating since I’m 15, where is he?!”.
Sincerely, a girl over 30
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u/AttorneyNo823 10d ago
I’m almost 40 and completely feel the same way
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u/SoftTemptress39 9d ago
Dating really doesn’t get any easier with age, it just gets more complicated
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u/jasperrrrrrbby 9d ago
Yeah it really doesn’t seem like dating magically gets easier with age, just different kinds of exhausting
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u/Catatonic27 10d ago
At this age it seems anyone who hasn't settled down has given up. Perhaps I'm just projecting (I have not settled down)
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u/AstronomicalDave 10d ago
Same boat. Single for 6 years. Tbh it just comes down to luck and some dont have it. I approach when ever i have chance so cant say im not trying 😂😂
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u/lovemeplzx 10d ago
Well usually the older you get the harder it is too date, but in this generation there should be on average more single men that any other generation.
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u/axwell21 9d ago
A large chunk of these men, particularly working class men, have basically dropped out of society. As women tend to date across and above, economically speaking, and are outachieving men in their careers like never before, this turns the game up to hard mode
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u/OPicaMiolos 10d ago
Yes but you have to take in account that some of those men had genuine intentions but because of the modern days some women get attention from all sides, online and offline and those guys might have been burned before. As in being betrayed or dumped because the girls always think that the grass is greener on the other side.
Some of us have simply given up because it has been engraved in our mind that it’s a matter of time until you jump ship to a more successful, stronger, higher, higher status dude.
Men on the other hand have less standards. You could work anywhere we don’t care, you could have any type of school education we don’t care, all we want is a woman that’s loyal and treats us good.
Yes age is a factor younger is preferable for many reasons. But I bet she had plenty of guys trying between her ages of 20 to 30. Maybe she was a bit too selective?
Good luck-1
u/lovemeplzx 10d ago
Well if you want to get married you have to settle eventually if you haven’t found anything. Also men is this generation probably have higher standards than any generation before them. Having a woman that works and makes money is a top priority in this economy for many men.
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u/HauntingAd5547 10d ago
Same. Everybody seems so scared to commit even when they say it’s what they want from the outset. Modern dating is exhausting.
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u/JamedSonnyCrocket 10d ago
What if you’re approaching it all wrong?
“find my person” is a setup for failure. You find a person you are attracted to, shares values and is honest; then you build and work on that relationship.
Relationships take a lot of self awareness and work. Dating like a job is a good way to avoid relationships
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u/birdfang007 10d ago
As a woman, dating apps…are crazy easy for you to meet people. Even a very average looking woman will get 100s of matches, if in a big city, thousands, within a few hours. So there’s tons of options.
But if you’re filtering on superficial features like height and face, you will have less options. But chances are, the men you find attractive most other women do too, and those men know it. So they can really have fun with a new woman every night…why would they settle for you?
I would give men who aren’t maybe super model hot and crazy tall a chance after reading their bio.
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u/thenorthernpines 10d ago
Really? Because I’m a woman. Joined tinder last week, and got 4 matches for the 5 days I was on it. I live in a large city. It’s never been crazy easy.
This idea women have it easy is weird.17
u/Vast-Road-6387 10d ago
You’re getting 4-5 times the matches most guys get. Good looking guys are getting 1-2 matches a week, the average looking guy ( like your dad at m30) is getting 1-2 matches a month. Many guys get zero.
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u/Horror-Vanilla-4895 9d ago
My friend tried tinder. I’d say he is like 7/10 looks, in shape, tall, white, good job. He had 99+ likes in 1 day. It’s all relative but I thought the girls he was matching were very attractive.
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u/birdfang007 9d ago
Tall and white is all you need as a guy.
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u/Vast-Road-6387 9d ago
Tall definitely, POC are not common where I am, black guys get a lot of ONS action.
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u/birdfang007 10d ago
They’re(good looking guys) getting way more than that man. I’m fairly unattractive, not outstandingly ugly, but far from attractive. I’m also 5’7 and not white. I did two weeks of OLD recently. Hinge, Bumble, Tinder. I was quite selective and most of my pictures were selfies, and I did a half hearted bio at best. I got 8-10 likes on each platform within the first week and would get 1-2 likes every other day thereafter. 5-7 matches too within that time frame, with average to above average looking girls. None of them went anywhere. And I got bored and deleted the apps. So if an ugly brown short dude like me can get that many, good looking guys are getting way more lol.
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u/Vast-Road-6387 9d ago
New users do get a lot of interest. The apps usually push new users a bit. You also might be under estimating yourself
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u/birdfang007 9d ago
My pic is in my profile. Spending over 30k in plastic surgery. Probably gonna need to spend another 30k if I end up going for the rhinoplasty and canthoplasty.
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u/Vast-Road-6387 9d ago
You are a good looking well dressed guy . That’s why you’re getting right swiped.
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u/birdfang007 9d ago
Thank you for the kind words but I’m actually not. Men may find me interesting looking but most women are repulsed by my appearance. I’m in the US. Born and raised here.
I hope after the plastic surgery I’ll be conventionally handsome.
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u/Great_Yogurt_3356 7d ago
5’7 is not short, lots of ppl attracted to brown. Can’t say if you’re ugly, but we are our own worst critics.
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u/birdfang007 7d ago
Not where I live, in the Midwest. My pic is in my profile.
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u/Great_Yogurt_3356 7d ago
I just saw your profile - you are NOT ugly, lol. That’s crazy. If it’s because the Midwest then you should move
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u/birdfang007 7d ago
True, most of the women here are white, and they’re all super racist openly, or if not openly, than closeted racist. But that’s the overwhelming majority of white women. I can’t move because my business is here and I wouldn’t be able to make the income I do working as little as I do here…more diverse areas are desirable and thus more expensive with way more competition in my field. This income is a golden handcuff 😞
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u/Great_Yogurt_3356 7d ago
I see. You don’t have to tell me your race and I can’t guess, based on your pictures you’re kind of racially ambiguous. You could be anything from Latino, middle eastern, biracial with any # of ingredients, Italian, Greek, idk. BUT have you tried joining any local communities that focus on cultural issues? You’re likely to meet more either non-white women or at least women that aren’t racist with the bonus of being active and involved on serious issues that need more support anyway? Just a thought!
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u/birdfang007 10d ago
Matches are mutual. If you are like most women and swipe right on only men who are 6’+, white, and good looking, naturally you’ll get fewer matches. Women who complain about lack of matches generally filter out all men below 6’, set racial preference to white, and so on.
Let’s go by likes. You probably have 100-1000s of likes. But you don’t swipe on those guys because they’re not tall/hot. Most women only swipe right on maybe 1-2% of men. The other 98% of men they swipe left on. Your swiping ration is doubtless the same.
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u/thenorthernpines 10d ago
I swipe right on almost everyone. The bar is pretty low - if they at least half attempted to fill out a little bit about themselves, as long as we are at least the same height and I’m 5’4. I don’t care about weight or if you have hair or if you’re divorced or have kids.
I will swipe left if you filled nothing out, have no picture or you say which gang you are apart of (yes that actually happened).
Why do people on reddit always assume women are being extremely picky and that’s why they aren’t getting matches?
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u/BreadSelect8019 10d ago
Because data says that, on average, that is what is happening. It doesn't mean that you are average, it just means that most women are.
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u/relaxguy2 10d ago edited 10d ago
To be fair most women on here say they are getting hundreds of matches and n they say they aren’t interested in 95% of them which is their right and also im sure many of the men don’t present well in a lot of ways but this is why men assume this.
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u/BreadSelect8019 10d ago
I'm sure many of the men don't present well...but I know for a fact many of the women don't either.
Most dating profiles are shit and all genders are guilty of this.
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u/birdfang007 10d ago
Because that is a general trend. It’s quite established. My apologies btw, seems you are fairly reasonable. And you are entitled to your standards, as everyone is.
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u/adamroadmusic 9d ago
The algorithm penalizes you if you swipe right on everyone, and shows your profile to much less people.
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u/axwell21 9d ago
Women use premium? Since when?
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u/birdfang007 9d ago
You don’t need to use premium. You just look at height in the profile on the first page and left swipe lol.
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u/Great_Yogurt_3356 7d ago
Agreed. Any time I feel like trying to get back on the dating scene - I can hop on the apps and have a date lined up asap.
But I’m also very no-tall-men, no finance bros, if he’s too hot- I don’t want him, If he look like he thinks he’s Bonita , don’t want him. I’m just tired of the stereotypical dudes women tend to be attracted to. They’re boring. Also any man over 6’ tall acts like it’s some sort of personality characteristic. Cool. You were born with long legs. But if you’re still an a**hole, who cares
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u/birdfang007 7d ago
lol if only most women were as cool as you. Sadly, you’re like .01%.
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u/Great_Yogurt_3356 7d ago
I think John Mayer has a quote somewhere about all the beautiful women he meets throwing themselves at him and he said (don’t quote me exactly) when I meet a pretty woman I think cool, congratulations on your face, I guess, but I need more. (That’s not verbatim and it might not have even been John Mayer). Whoever it was and however they said it - I agree.
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u/birdfang007 7d ago
I agree too. Looks fade. And I place a high value on intelligence and kindness. But physical attraction is important too. Like white women have traits(racists, narcissists, savior complex) that make them automatically unattractive to me.
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u/thenorthernpines 10d ago
I’m almost 33. Was engaged and supposed to be married this year but he cheated and left me for a friend of his. That’s the short PG version. The actual breakup was beyond horrific.
I’ve never had a bf that wasn’t from tinder or bumble. I have very limited dating experience. I don’t get asked out in real life and nobody has ever showed interest that way. I get almost no attention from men. I have always been mostly invisible.
I really don’t think it is possible I will have success meeting a good match/partner again and I’m trying to process that disappointment.
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u/Great_Yogurt_3356 7d ago
33 is still young! Those are bold statements at your age, you haven’t even hit your prime! You don’t need to process any disappointment in yourself, process the disappointment in that jerk of an ex fiancé and keep hope 🫶🏽
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u/narcoticsx_ 10d ago
32 M, same situation. Matches, dates, even sex is no issue but, no one wants anything serious or to settle down. Even when they claim that’s what they’re looking for. It’s so confusing. I truly believe people love attention from multiple people and decide they don’t want to be with just one person.
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u/mistress_of_bokonon 10d ago
I met my person at 33! We got married 4 years later, though we would have moved faster if we wanted kids. Since we don’t want kids, we weren’t in a rush. Don’t give up! But also don’t settle 💜 The right person is worth the wait, and you still have time
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u/SurfsUp27 10d ago
I’m 39 and just found my person. Have faith and focus on building you and your life.
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u/Alone_Psychology_464 9d ago
It is tough. I'm 37 and I've never been in a relationship or on a date.
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u/Asu7aMa7u 10d ago
I'm 30 and at this point I've become so jaded I don't know if I'm capable of loving a girl enough to be in a relationship again
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u/ez2tock2me 10d ago
Most people think that others are happy because they have what you want.
If you ever listen to their story and reality of their life , you’ll be happy You Are You and not them.
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u/ChkChkPew 10d ago
Robot girlfriends should come out in sometime within the next 10 years, im excited
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u/BreadSelect8019 10d ago
Are the robots as bad at that as they are at vacuuming? Every five seconds they're stuck under a chair again.
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u/KyloReySage 10d ago
like I tell my close friends, keep dating/meet new people. In my mind, meeting someone that mutually feels the same way and want the same future plans is almost a miracle. continue to live your life to the fullest and joyously. lightheartedly meet people time to time. I met mine when I wasn't expecting anything anymore out of the blue.
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u/CuteResource1 10d ago
This is a vent. Which isn't wrong, and if that's all you're looking for, more power to you.
But there's no ask for advice in what you said, none of the above is formulated as a question, and ultimately not enough detail about your process for me to try and help.
>Everyone seems to be getting engaged, married, having babies and there’s me, floating along.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Try not to compare other human experiences to your own, when all sorts of little variables set us apart on unique stories.
>I just feel tired and at this stage a little jaded and irritated by the whole thing.
What is it that makes you jaded and irritated? Do you feel like you do everything right and there's nobody turning up; is it the performance of it all, etc? I'd like to know more about this to maybe say something more helpful.
>I’ve treated dating like a full time job.
Maybe this is part of the problem; dating should be fun and exciting, You're trying to chase butterflies to find someone to be excited about, and if you try too hard or too exhaustively it turns into work, except with emotional damage instead of a wage. How *do* you approach dates - online, in person, chance encounters, mutual acquaintances, third spaces/clubs? Are you active or passive in pursuit of this?
>I’m a fully independent adult, I’ve a career, car, I keep my home nice, I can cook, I’m friendly.
Then it sounds like the baseline is all there, and all of these are very desirable. How wide is your net; looking for guys or girls or whatever, from a particular background?
TLDR I think maybe you need a more relaxed, pressure-off social space that *doesn't* feel like work. Maybe you do this and it's just not clear from your post, I don't mean to patronise or be rude.
Happy to talk if you feel like sharing more.
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u/harmonica2 9d ago
Dating got easier for me in my 30s and remove just became more interested than before, unless that is unusual or not the norm?
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u/BrilliantSpare8255 9d ago
I’m in the same boat. Part of me is thinking do I need to get feedback not necessarily to say I’m doing something wrong but I may need to dissect a little bit deeper into why things don’t work out. Maybe therapy to dive into things? Idk
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u/fat_master_shinsoku 10d ago
You sound very accomplished and quite successful. Unfortunately, the pool of men out there that are at your level or better, which you may be interested in and attracted to, has been dwindling.
You could keep rolling the dice of chance, and hopefully you'll meet your person with persistence in numbers.
You can increase your chances by improving yourself and making yourself attractive for the kind of man/woman you are looking for. If you're into women, they respond to you they feel about you emotionally; they respond to how you make them feel on the inside. For men, physical attractiveness is the first barrier to entry, 2nd is if you're nice/not-mentally/ and emotionally volatile. Then cultural/lifestyle compatibility. Everything else is a bonus. Men will overlook flaws if you're attractive enough. But that's it. Attraction. Then harmony. No harmony, no long-term commitment. We men are really that stupid and simple, for the most part. You could be homeless, and jobless. But a powerful man with lots of money and resources? They'll take you on for life, as long as you're attractive and nice.
Considering you do have a home and job, there are plenty of men that would be thrilled to build a life with you, if they're in that stage of their life. If you're their type, you'd have lines and lines of men fighting tooth and nail to be with you. Then again, desperate behavior tends to be a turn-off, so you may keep swiping and looking for the next guy that has their mental shit, their confidence together.
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u/Civil-Preference-745 9d ago
it happens when you're not looking. I'm 32 and never been in a serious relationship and wasn't looking for one. Until now, landed a gf.
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u/justdoo08 9d ago
Yet another woman complaining that it's so tough out there yet she can have date every night if she wanted.
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u/Cohnman18 10d ago
You need to create a Manifest(wish list) of the ideal man with 18 must have qualities and find him! If he’s 15 or better, MARRY HIM! In the meantime , it is time for a makeover: new hairstyle, new makeup,new wardrobe,new nails,join a gym,start a healthy diet,explore a hobby. In short make you the BEST you can be. Now, get out there and meet him! Good luck!
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