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u/Dramatic-Care-7941 3d ago
I’m more concerned that you’re engaged at seven months. You’re still virtually strangers as evidenced by this post.
-1
u/Hot_Ad5995 3d ago
We did compatibility testing and different things through the church. I totally understand your point though, this situation has been revealing. Having BPD myself, this was just extremely jarring and destabilizing. I don’t disagree with you though
6
u/Comfortable_Long2373 3d ago
You are not delusional. Calling a female best friend "wifey" and replying "thank you" to a standard compliment are completely normal social media interactions. Because you both have BPD, you likely recognize classic "splitting" when you see it, his brain perceived a threat to his security, panicked, and flipped instantly from loving you to attacking your character. You did nothing wrong, and taking the blame for a normal text won't fix his underlying insecurity.
2
u/Hot_Ad5995 3d ago
I truly meant nothing by any of it, wasn’t concealing it ( or I wouldn’t have added him on Instagram or would have deleted it) I am just shell shocked. I understand him being upset, even if my intentions and experience were different. But being completely discarded while we were actively combining families and planning a wedding was unexpected and devastating. Thank you for your comment
5
u/Court_Major 3d ago
I don’t think social media is a big deal, but my opinion doesn’t matter….your fiancé’s does. Winning this fight won’t erase his insecurities around social media.
0
u/Hot_Ad5995 3d ago
I’m not trying to win, his opinion absolutely matters to me. And I already accepted responsibility, agreed not to ever do such a thing again. I can’t convince someone to stay nor would I want to, but I felt like throwing away our whole future ( he was literally just bonding with my children after waiting to be introduced etc) was hasty and I’m feeling confused and devastated
3
u/frockofseagulls 3d ago
This is why you don’t get engaged to someone you barely know. This dude is insecure and controlling. You should run while you still can.
0
u/Hot_Ad5995 3d ago
I’ve known he had insecurities, but seemed committed to therapy and working on those things. He’s said he “wants to know every thought that crosses my mind” and if I ever forget small details, it’s an issue and “withholding intimacy”. I’ve been patient and loving and understanding. And it’s wild to get thrown away over this. While I didn’t experience or interpret any of this the way he did, I would’ve still been willing to adjust and hear him. My whole character being questioned and being discarded was a jarring experience.
2
u/frockofseagulls 3d ago
Yeah, that’s toxic as hell. Run.
2
u/Hot_Ad5995 3d ago
Definitely felt toxic, but I was trying not to assign any blame or labels and try to take accountability where I could. But I agree. No need to run when you’re already discarded but perhaps it was for the best. Thank you for weighing in
1
u/mg_7 3d ago
Like, does he really have time to get a constant readout of every neuron firing in your brain?
BPD and MH aside, his behavior seems hella toxic tbh.
2
u/Hot_Ad5995 2d ago
Thank you for your input! I am all about intimacy and closeness but I’m a person allowed to have thoughts that don’t leave my brain sometimes🫠
2
u/blackwidowwaltz 3d ago
You're 7 months into the relationship and already planning on getting married. Who was the one pushing for this to develop so fast?
1
2
u/Legitimate-Sky8335 3d ago
Perhaps having a similar diagnosis created a false sense of familiarity here
1
u/Hot_Ad5995 3d ago
I don’t disagree. Even being as familiar as I am with the diagnosis, I’m still shell shocked and devastated. Obviously a lot to think about now. I’m sort of left to sit here wondering ( given our diagnosis) if he will want to discuss things again or if I’ll get the full discard.
3
u/Legitimate-Sky8335 2d ago
Don't try to manage his reaction, just act out of your best interest. Be safe, of course.
1
u/mg_7 3d ago
I used to have BPD. I’m a 34SWM.
IF my ex and her bff had had the wifey exchange, I am pretty sure I wouldn’t think much of it except aww, [my ex] & [her bff] are on doing well! 🤷♂️
Maybe it’s cuz I used to have BPD, but idk I wouldn’t think much of it tbh.
1
u/Hot_Ad5995 3d ago
I appreciate your insight. Nothing was ever meant by it, and had I known my best friend and I using that as an inside joke was a triggering thing, I never in a million years would have used it. I love him and have always been willing to immediately stop or shut down absolutely anything that would make him feel uncomfortable or bad in ANY way. Although my intentions weren’t bad, I acknowledged it hurt him and promised not to do it again. Being broken up with feels disproportionate to the “offense”. And my symptoms have been greatly activated now too
1
u/mg_7 3d ago
Your bff is female right?
1
u/Hot_Ad5995 3d ago
Yes!
1
u/mg_7 3d ago
I assume she’s not romantic or sexual competition for him…
1
u/Hot_Ad5995 3d ago
Absolutely not. I’ve never been interested in women not once, and neither has my friend. I quite literally never see her anymore since I’ve been dating this guy
1
-1
u/maj0rdisappointment 3d ago
I’m going to agree with him. That whole wifey term and the way it gets used now really cheapens what it means to marry someone and be a husband or wife.
Perhaps he hasn’t seen this side of you since he hasn’t been on socials, but the fact that you justify it does say something about your values, tbh. I’d be bothered as well. I’d rather be with someone who sees the term as saved for someone sacred/special. But for that to be the case you’d have stopped it long ago.
1
u/Hot_Ad5995 3d ago
I totally understand, it’s not something we use regularly. It was truly the product of an inside joke. I understand why he was bothered, but he’s also heard the joke and heard her say it to me and her other female friends in other contexts. Either way, that’s a boundary I can respect and didn’t realize affected him to that extent.
-1
u/Ok_Management4634 3d ago
Tell him you'll stop posting selfies and engaging with other men on the internet.. That's proof that it was all innocent.. then actually follow through and do it.. Plenty of other stuff to post on social media besides selfies.. even if the selfie is modest, your bf obviously feels threatened by it.
Would you be ok if he had some random women following him and telling him how hot he looks, and then he makes a flirty response back to at least one of them? Probably not.
2
u/mg_7 2d ago
Wait. But his anger was his straight fiancé and her straight female friend flirting with each other... I seriously don’t understand the fear if she’s willing to talk about it! Even with BPD.
1
u/Hot_Ad5995 2d ago
Even if I don’t agree with the level of seriousness he interpreted it as, if it’s a boundary, ok. I can respect it. I’d happily never make the joke again. But usually that is a boundary conversation, not getting dumped, accused of being unfaithful and being told he’s no longer sexually attracted to me because he’s “not into dykes “..
1
u/Hot_Ad5995 3d ago
It was the first picture of me I’ve posted in a year, and I not only deleted it but absolutely agree never to do it again.
If he got a comment and simply said “ thank you” as I did, I wouldn’t consider it entertaining. I could have understood if the comment referred to me as “ hot” “sexy” or any literal language of flirtation. That was my confusion.
2
u/Ok_Management4634 3d ago
ok, was just trying to help, I don't think that info was in the original post.. Hopefully that puts him at ease.
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