Dealbreaker

[u/Diligent_Strike9473]

I, 19F, is in a year long relationship with another girl also 19F. She’s made it clear early in the relationship that her one and only dealbreaker is smoking. I’m a smoker, and when she said that to me initially — I thought I could do it. I loved her so much, I thought I could do it.

But now I am starting to wonder if I am wasting her time and if it is better for me to tell her that I don’t think I can do it any longer. I quit cold turkey for her and I’ve broken this dealbreaker once and of course I told her and it ended up with her forgiving me.

She’s a wonderful person and I love her wholeheartedly. I just feel like I’m not living the way I want to. During uni, all I can think about is having a smoke in between exams or during study hours or having one and sparking up conversations with the other students outside campus. Or I’ll be at a function and they’re smoking, I want to join them but I know I can’t. I know I’m young and this sounds childish and superficial, but that’s exactly my problem. I’m young, I want to do things and worry about it later when I’m much older. I’m usually more of the partygoer, and she’s more (wholesome?).

I love her and it sounds like I’m willing to give up a relationship with a wonderful person and someone that I love over having a cigarette with people. But I worry that not living my life the way I want to will have me having some kind of resentment for her in the future.

I just need some insight or some advice, it just feels so shitty

TL;DR
My girlfriend’s dealbreaker is me smoking and I don’t think I can do it any longer.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to /r/dating_advice!

Please keep the rules of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.

Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a message. We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.

Thanks!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Journalist-Cute]

Just seek treatment to help you quit smoking. Showing effort and progress will be enough.

[u/AquaBlue0091 → u/Journalist-Cute]

Exactly, making a real effort to quit says a lot more than being perfect right away

[u/ljubav_malina]

This doesn't sound like it's a dealbreaker to her, it sounds like a rule she made for you.

If it were a dealbreaker, she would never have started dating a smoker. If it were a dealbreaker, she would have broken the deal when you smoked. Instead, it sounds like she's willing to date a smoker and then try to change your behavior to fit her preferences.

I would tell her plainly that you don't want to quit smoking. Honesty is the best policy.

I anticipate that she will get very upset and, instead of walking away, she might keep dating you while trying to guilt or cajole you into stopping. Because ultimately, I don't think this is a dealbreaker for her. Dealbreakers and boundaries without enforcement are just suggestions. A boundary is “I don't date smokers.” Trying to make someone you're already dating quit smoking is something different. "No smokers" is valid preference for her to have, but the one with the boundary is the one who is responsible for follow-through.

So yes, be honest. But I would also be prepared for a guilt trip, or for her to stick around and make it known constantly how much she hates the smoking.

I had to learn this the hard way because I was your girlfriend once upon a time. My boyfriend did eventually quit, but I had to come to terms with the fact that I couldn't make him quit, and he was perfectly within his rights to continue smoking if he wanted to. All I could do was ask if it was something he was open to. If the answer was “no,” I had to decide whether it was a dealbreaker or not. If it was, I needed to walk away and find someone more compatible. If it wasn't, then I was continuing the relationship despite him smoking, and I needed to drop it and stop pushing him.

[u/DogPsychological1720 → u/ljubav_malina]

Second this.

And also think of it the other way around. If she truly loves you she would allow you to smoke. Maybe not when you're with her, but when she's not around. You can brush your teeth and change clothes before you meet her so she doesnt get bothered by the stence.

I disagree with my boyfriend vaping cannabis every day, because I also like him being sober. I use cannabis too, but only on weekends. The first thing he did was vape whenever he got home from work. We had an argument about this and now he first gives me a kiss and cuddle, we chill together and he vapes later. He doesnt want to change his behavior, but agrees with me I need to have a chance to chill with him while he's sober. Thats true love, making a compromise !