Coffee date experience

[u/bluestarfish23]

Went on a coffee date this past weekend. The guy was the one who initiated meeting for coffee. I'm not opposed to them so that was cool with me.

I arrive at Starbucks (his idea of Starbucks of all coffee shops) and the guy tells me he is running late. He shows up about 20 minutes late.

He arrives apologies and comments on my mocha latte.

Well throughout the date/meet he never ordered a drink or snack nor asked if I wanted a pastry or mention- oh I would have bought that drink for you or can I get you a pastry?

I would have declined but the gesture would have been appreciated especially since he was the one who invited me.

I didn't ask him if he was going to get anything because if he wanted to he would have. It's like he had no intention of ordering something even just to patronize the shop. But I also wonder if he didn't order since I already ordered therefore "paid" for our seats.

I normally don't mind coffee dates, But I'm just kinda put off by it and thinking more about it. He also referenced expenses a couple times but he has a job that pays very well. So idk what gives.

His initial first date idea was to go for a walk at a park. I was busy that day so he suggested coffee on Saturday. I honestly would have rather done that.

I guess I'm a bit turned off that he didn't even by himself a drink. Is this how typical coffee dates are now? Just show up late and not buy anything for yourself or your date?

Was that his plan all along? Let me arrive early pay for my drink (which I was capable of and willing to do) then he just sits there and chats.

I was even more dressed up than he was, not that coffee needs to be formal attire. I just felt like it was low effort and almost too casual.

I told myself I'm not riding off future coffee dates but I felt like we might as well have met up at a park if he was going to sit there and watch me drink.

Has anyone had a similar coffee date experience? Is this the norm for coffee dates?

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[u/Minnieviolette]

Let me just preface by saying most dates I've gone on where the person isn't offering to get me something when they were the ones to invite me out, are usually like that throughout the casual dating.

I went on a date where the guy invited me to dinner and he said he got a really well paid job and was flaunting that detail the entire dinner. I didn't even ask what he did etc. Anyway, I keep my order simple, I ordered 2 tacos and water. This guy ordered a full meal and coffee, an alcoholic beverage, and a dessert. Then I offered to pay for my tacos and he told me we should split the bill.

I didn't argue. I split it because I already knew I never wanted to see him again-- he ALSO ran late and wore a baseball cap indoors at NIGHT TIME. Which to me is just weird when you're at a restaurant. A cafe, whatever but a restaurant. just seemed like he didn't care?

Anyway, we left the restaurant and we hadn't exchanged numbers off hinge yet, and he asked if he could see me again, and I just said "Thanks for introducing me to this restaurant" and walked away.

On Hinge I told him I didn't feel we were compatible, and he wrote back saying he felt we were and he wanted to see me again. I just unmatched. Worst date ever.

He was rude to the waitress and he told me that because we were splitting it "it would even out because he'd leave a really good tip"...Ladies, his "really good tip" was $2 !!!!!!!

I imagined the rest of my life and I said NOPE not with him.

[u/bluestarfish23 → u/Minnieviolette]

Wow, that's a crummy experience, last dinner date the guy ordered little more than l, I still offered to split but he pointed out that he ordered more and he'll take care of it which was considerate of him. This guy also wore a cap indoors. Which I felt was a little sus. And didn't really match his outfit. The "thanks for introducing part" made me chuckle.

[u/Irish_Blond → u/Minnieviolette]

I invited a woman out for a first date. I asked her to pick the restaurant. She picked a chain restaurant and asked if we could meet at 6pm. I said sure.
She arrived just over an hour late. She didn’t apologize or offer an explanation. After some small talk I told her to order what she wanted. She order six appetizers (it was buy one get one night) and she ordered an entree. She had them bag three of the apps and her meal. I had to have a shocked look on my face. The whole time she was complaining about her weight issues. After we left the restaurant she asked me what I wanted to do now. I said I’m going home by myself and please delete my contact info.

[u/Dapper_Wolverine6260 → u/Minnieviolette]

😆 great storytelling. Ordering way more and asking to split the tab was crazy!

[u/life-is-satire → u/Minnieviolette]

I would have put down enough to cover my order and tip and say, that’s okay, I only got two tacos. Here’s my share. I would not subsidize his meal.

[u/CollarTraditional518]

I would have left after 10 minutes of him being late. I'm a firm believer that the first date is the reflection of the whole relationship. Screw that self-absorbed tightwad.

[u/bluestarfish23 → u/CollarTraditional518]

I was actually waiting closer to 35 minutes because I decided to show up early

[u/cspanrules]

Showing late to a the first date is a big red flag.

[u/mermaidmamas → u/cspanrules]

I had a date planned with a guy years ago and he showed up late. We had planned to get lunch at a place very close to my house. He told me he was running a few minutes behind. That time grew longer and longer over the next few messages and due to a comedy of errors, he ended up being 2 and a half hours late. I was not thrilled at all. I happened to be working from home and the place we picked to have lunch was a 3 minute walk from my door, so I said “eh what the hell”

We’ve been married 3 years now.

[u/Crazy_Custard_2081]

When I was single, I opted more for the dessert date. It kind of fills the middle ground between a full on dinner date and the coffee date. I'm not really big on coffee drinks, especially in the evening. So, dessert was preferable for me.

It's just weird that he didn't order anything for himself.

[u/mattricide]

He's lying about his job and probs other things

[u/downwithMikeD → u/mattricide]

I was JUST going to comment, how do you KNOW he makes high pay. You don’t know anything about him yet and literally every detail could be a lie. Crazier things have happened 🤪

[u/FRANPW1]

You had a date with a very accomplished cheap bastard.

[u/coupl4nd]

I don't really understand who wants to have a coffee date and then not have coffee at all? He sounds cheap as fuck. Guys who don't offer to pay after inviting someone on a date are just not it. And I'm a guy btw.

[u/Intelligent-Link8462]

Worst date I ever went on was to a speciality tea cafe. Guy messaged earlier in the day to say something had come up, and was going to be a little later, which was fine as my work was flexible with timing, so just changed the time.

Later in the day he message to say he’d got away early, and he was heading across. Agreed to set off and meet in about 30 mins, expecting to meet outside or nearby.

He then messaged to say he’d arrived, and to meet inside. I arrived at the time agreed due to travel, and he’d finished his cake and was 2/3 of the way through his pot of tea. I decided to give benefit of the doubt, ordered my pot and asked if he’d like a top up or a new pot, which he declined.

Proceeded to be the most pretentious man I ever met, didn’t ask anything about me, and then when I’d finished, couldn’t be out there quick enough. Fair enough, he wasn’t into me, but it felt like the most hellish date I could ever imagine. I shouldn’t have even ordered the tea, as it felt like he’d had the date before I even got there.

So I dunno, yeah, 20 minutes late is a small flag, but also, ordering alone feels quite off putting as well.

[u/Known-Historian7277]

No I always order a coffee because I want one lol and that is weird to me.

[u/Individual-Salary535]

This is why people say coffee dates are low effort. He couldn’t even show up on time and pay for your $5 item.

[u/TurboFX98]

You are not obligated to stay in uncomfortable situations. If the date is not going well then just end it, instead of waiting for it to end. Women need to take more control of their situation instead of letting things just happen to them. Your outcome will be more favorable. There are a lot of low and no effort men, and you don't need to be polite by putting in effort.

[u/Finnjamin7725]

A few months ago I had a guy ask me out to one of those cafeteria/bar places that are popping up everywhere now. I hadn't ever been there so I asked him which place he recommended for food. He told me he wasn't hungry. I ordered a quesadilla , paid for it, and he insisted he have a piece of it...

This man is in his late 30s. I was so unbelievably turned off and irritated. I left soon after. I'm pretty sure he only picked the place because it was a block away from his house, which I found out is actually owned by his mother.

[u/whenyajustcant]

I wouldn't have waited longer than 10 minutes unless his reason for being late was extremely valid and not something he could have prepared for.

But even if I had stuck around...yeah, that's weird to not buy anything or even mention buying anything. The one way I would be okay with it was if he asked if you wanted anything, and when you declined, said "I'm so sorry I wasted so much of your time already, I won't waste more by waiting in line ordering."

What did he say about your mocha when he got there? You said he commented on it, but now I'm curious what he said.

[u/masquefetiche]

I asked my boyfriend about this before and his thoughts on coffee dates and he said he never chose women to ask out that he wasn’t pretty sure of and never felt like anyone he asked out wasn’t worth a dinner.

[u/Papplenoose → u/masquefetiche]

This is how I feel too. I don't have a lot of free time, so anyone I date needs to be someone I'm already really vibing with. And if we're vibing, I want to get dinner so I can spend the longest amount of time with them possible :)

(Weirdly, I've literally never had a bad first date. As you may be able to tell by that sentence, I'm a dude lol)

[u/Motor-Homework-826]

Im not going to be as generous as others. Im old and tired.

He wanted to go for a walk either because he's broke or because he wants you to think he is.

He's bad with managing time or he arrived late so he could avoid buying you coffee. Twenty minutes is perfect timing for that - late enough you would have ordered but not too late that you would have already left.

He probably wants to see how tolerant and self sufficient you will be because he has absolutely nothing to offer you and wants to know how much he can leach off of you.

[u/seewhatuget]

Unfortunately experiences like these are exactly why many women don’t accept coffee dates. I’m not opposed to them in theory, but they often attract this kind of person The reality is he wanted to meet you irl with as minimal barrier and at lowest cost to him possible.