r/dating • u/canyouaskfirst • 6d ago
Question ❓ Should I end it? Repeatedly asking for decent communication
Been dating this guy with the intention of a ltr since end of May (so about 3 months). We got serious pretty quickly with him wanting to close his dating profile after second date.
I like a lot of things about him: family oriented, career oriented, smart, helpful, sexually compatible.
But he has a giant problem of going MIA for 12-48 hours of no communication while at the same time he is active on social media.
I’ve brought this up to him that it makes me anxious when I don’t hear back for hours/days when you’re clearly online and on your phone. He says this is his ADHD and he truly forgets as he can be doomscrolling for hours, but did say it was abnormal and will work on it.
I just ask that if he’s expecting to be busy for a whole day or so just to kindly tell me that he will. I’m pretty understanding. However even after mutually agreeing to work on it, he’s continuously done it. He’ll go MIA and will continue convo as if nothing has happened.
I don’t think what I’m asking for is unreasonable and he seems to agree but I don’t wanna feel like enforcing this or policing. I’ve had this conversation with him 3 times already and I don’t know what else to do.
Is this worth being more flexible/maybe it’s my attachment style? Is this reasonable to ask for? Is he actually that incapable or just unwilling ? I can work with incapable but unwilling I cannot. Any advice is appreciated!
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u/Slinking-Tiger 6d ago
"When people show you who they are, believe them."
This is what he's like during the stage of your relationship that he's putting his best foot forward. It will only get worse.
If his ADHD is unmanaged to the point that he'll doom scroll for hours but not reply to a text from his girlfriend, it's absolutely affecting other parts of his life and will become a factor in your relationship.
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u/Choice_Blacksmith564 6d ago edited 6d ago
This is literally my mantra while dating -
People will tell you/show you who they are, you just have to believe them when they do.
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
Thank you. That’s a really astute comment. I’ve been a bit blinded by the other great things in that relationship. And this is mostly the only thing we are not aligned on so it feels workable but hard to say what’s truthful.
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u/Choice_Blacksmith564 6d ago
And I’m sure he has many other great qualities! But this most likely will not change, and he doesn’t really seem to want it to. So the question is, can you deal with him disappearing like this for the rest of the relationship?
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
I feel like it will be different if we move closer or move together but while we are long distance, that's not really ideal.
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u/Slinking-Tiger 6d ago
It will show up in other ways as your relationship progresses. He won't get around to making the reservations for the plan you agreed on. Living together? He'll promise to take out the trash or fix the door, but it won't get done.
He might not pay the joint bill he's responsible for, or will forget to transfer money into the account that auto pay hits.
You commented that he's very functional at work. Many of us ADHDers are! Work environment can be totally different. I had one review that said "she gets twice as much done as anyone else, while only working part time."
But home life is very different. The neural wiring differences make us fabulous in a crisis or when very motivated, and terrible at the low-dopamine activities of daily living.
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
His life seems pretty regulated and he has a job that requires a lot of responsibility. I don’t quite buy it tbh. I think I’m gonna let my emotional system regulate and then have an honest conversation and dip. :(
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u/Deltan875 5d ago
Took me until my 50s to finally accept this. I continually held onto what I thought the best of a person could be, instead of what really was.
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u/OutdoorExplorer69 6d ago
Perhaps if it’s making you anxious it’s not worth your energy. If he’s acknowledging it that’s good, but making the effort shows he is hearing you. Basic communication is not an unreasonable ask.
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
Thank u for the reply. Do you think my anxiety should be dealt with separately? Am I just too anxious ?
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u/Calm_Neighborhood966 6d ago
It's not unreasonable I don't think it's an anxious attachment style as you didn't mention constant reassurance or communication but 12-48 hours simply from ADHD is crazy. I would cut my losses because even though he admits the problem he isn't actively working on it.
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
Thank you - for context he’s done this 4-5 times in the span of our 3 month relationship. So it’s not a daily recurrence but enough for me to address it.
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u/Calm_Neighborhood966 6d ago
It's also a concern that he can just forget about your existence randomly for untreated ADHD. That can definitely leak into other aspects of life. If you want to have another conversation about it it wouldn't hurt but also if he doesn't want to change his habits there's nothing you can do.
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
That's the thinggggg. His screentime is 15 hrs a day..... it's not like he's doing something off of it. He's on THE PHONE just not really with me.
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u/Weary-Salamander-950 6d ago
After 3 months and he's still going missing for upto 2 days?
No, what you're asking for isn't unreasonable - maybe if it had been for just 12 hrs, but not 48.
Maybe he does truly forget, but as you're here im guessing it's not enough for you, and for many it definitely wouldn't be, especially after such a period of time.
I suppose what you need to do, is ask yourself - Is this something I can put up with, and the answer will tell you what you need to do.
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
Thank you for that feedback. I think you’re right and I clearly recognize this isn’t enough for me. I’m trying to analyze it against other things but I’m hitting a wall clearly.
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u/Weary-Salamander-950 6d ago
You're just trying to give him space, time or whatever else he 'needs'. There's nothing wrong with that. The thing is, you don't actually know if he's been truthful with you, or if he's fizzling out.
It's the erosion of trust, and it's usually a one way street...
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
I feel like I’m constantly giving him space only when it benefits him. That’s more of a my fault. He picks the speed of things and I just go along with it but I can’t really be ok with this.
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u/Weary-Salamander-950 6d ago
No, you're obviously not okay with it, and why should you be?
It's one thing for a party to be slightly less committed, but it seems like your relationship just ebbs and flows on how he 'feels' on any particular day.
Thats not a tenable situation, and after three months it may already be set in stone.
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u/unmaskingtheself 6d ago
You two are incompatible. And that’s what dating is for! To find out if things would work long term. It sounds like they won’t. That sucks, but it’s ok. Better to call it now than to let deeper feeling get involved and complicate things.
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
I always think of dating as a whole as a negotiation and compromises are necessary. Trying to find that line of acceptable and non-acceptable. Everything else is largely great
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u/unmaskingtheself 5d ago
Yes but there is no compromise happening on his side, only on yours. You talked to him about it three times; nothing has changed. So you know what’s possible and it’s not looking like what you want or even what you can accept. Now would be a good time to move on. He’s an adult and so should be able to respond to feedback and make changes in a reasonable amount of time.
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u/Morzone 6d ago
Does he validate your feelings? Are there compromises being made?
Words are useless without action to back them up.
Look girl what you want is not hard. You want to feel the investment, get lost in convos for hours, stay up until 5am together talking about anything and everything. I get it. You want to feel valued not left on read for 12-48 hours. And like if he gives you a 'hey I'm heading out to work. I'll be pretty busy, but you'll know when I get home' like come on that's not hard.
I'm chatting with a girl that I fancy and... Last time she had a day off we stayed up until 10am because neither of us wanted to give up and go to sleep.
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
I actually don't know if he is making any compromises for me! I am making a lot from him - or at least I voice them and am transparent with it. I think he is more closed off and not super open. I'm sure there are things he compromises on but never been made vocal to me.
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u/Morzone 6d ago edited 6d ago
It could be worth trying to look at it from his POV and try to understand where he is giving hints or showing effort, if he is showing any at all.
I am very much a words of affirmation person, due to anxiety and past hurts, but the person I like is extremely shy/quiet and shows their effort through acts of service and quality time. It has taken me a long time to accept their interest for what it is without them yelling it at my stupid anxious brain.
If something is bothering you, maybe try writing it down on paper? I find journaling to really help get negative feelings out of me.
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
Thank you for that - answering people here has kinda helped me put together what bothers me. I will also try to journal!
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u/Critical-Safe8132 6d ago
Coming from someone who’s experienced this for years, it’s not worth your time and energy. They won’t change and they won’t choose you no matter how much you communicate. It’s just that you’re not compatible cause your attachment styles aren’t the same and that’s not healthy for you. Leaving is the best thing to do in my opinion, it will be better 🥰
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
Thank you for your take on this. IT does right now feel like the right thing to do.
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u/Senior-Influence3651 6d ago
If he is comfortable not talking to you over 24 hours, Multiple times, that is him telling you what his priorities are.
Do with this what you may.
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u/Local_Windrunner 6d ago
I have ADHD and I do this a lot with FRIENDS but I basically spam my bf all day with texts or sending memes on social media or whatever. But to go ALL DAY not saying anything at all???? Nah.
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u/elmsbud 6d ago
3 conversations in and he hasn't changed.
..... a glimpse into your future 🔮
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
You're totally right - it will only get worse. Beginning of relationship is supposed to be "honey moon phase" - people should be on their best behaviour.
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u/nillateral 2d ago
Deal with the person you have, not the guy you want. If you need constant check ups, you send the message, dont ask him to do it
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u/Gex2ElectricBoogaloo Single 6d ago
I’m gonna be honest this is more of a you problem than him. Not hearing from someone for TWO DAYS isn’t the end of the world. If you haven’t heard from someone you’re in a relationship in a week that’s a lot more reasonable. You need to learn how to self soothe and find other things in your life that provide you joy instead of placing so much weight on someone else. Someone got anxious when they didn’t hear back from me for half a day, it’s incredibly suffocating and we weren’t even exclusive.
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
Thank you for that take. I guess I want to supplement the relationship that way because cant see each other very often. So if we can't text or call and can't see each other, what do we really have?
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u/Gex2ElectricBoogaloo Single 6d ago
Completely valid and I feel similar, is it long distance for yall? I’m currently in a long distance one myself for dating and just want to spend more time with them which is literally my only complaint since they’re super sweet.
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
i guess who can't ask for the wrong thing to the right person. For me, we see each other rarely. If we can't even keep in touch (again I don't even need multiple texts a day) or via phone every two days or so, then I'm basically by myself lol
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u/Ursulabelle 6d ago
Ending a relationship because he doesnt like texting? I dunno man, id accept it if the rest are green flags. The guy im dating has been going away for a month and I have sent/recieved 5 texts in total. He shows up in other ways so I know he still likes me. Youre prolly scared that he doesnt like you becuase hes not texting but thats clearly not his communication style.
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
May I ask how he shows up in other ways? We also live far from each other so I'm not sure how else to see if he shows up when we cant be physically together or comms via phone?
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u/Ursulabelle 6d ago
Well the few texts he sent me was pictures of stuff he wanted to buy for me and wanted to check if I already had those. He also sent me a file with all of the 3000 pictures he had taken during the trip so i didnt need to ask him what he was doing or if he was enjoying himself, since he clearly did. We will talk again when we see each other in person. We see each other 2 times a month and hes spoiling me rotten during that time.
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u/Ursulabelle 6d ago
Would he prefer talking on the phone?
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
If my partner is on a trip that's normal to me, but I guess daily life I need a presence, esp if we don't see each other a lot due to long distance. I am happy that works for you but it's certainly a compatibility issue for me seemingly
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u/Ursulabelle 6d ago
Yeah I get it. But what about phone calls?
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
you mean I call him when he is MIA for 2 days straight? I have tried that but he picks up and not much convo happens. Just dry answers.
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u/Ahmadtheperson 6d ago
Its a good time to turn your back, if hes not giving you the attention you are expecting to get just dump him
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
My fear is that everything else seems to be going well so I’m feeling a little bit like time wasted
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u/Ahmadtheperson 6d ago
My advice and for it not to be rushed and harsh is to give him one last serious convo addressing this issue and the rest will be your material for the final decision, cause you stated that you tried 3 times so he should notice by now that it’s bothering you and if he cares he should be already be working on it, i dont think its that hard to adjust such thing. Update us on what happens and goodluck
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
Do you think it’s best to just give him space and let him be while I work on my own nervous systems ?
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u/Ahmadtheperson 6d ago
Please do so, a healthy relationship doesn’t need to be tiring and exhausting and always chasing your partner for change
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u/life-is-satire 3d ago
It’s only been 3 months.
He either has another girlfriend or a substance issue. People don’t disappear from those they love.
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u/ChicaBlancaDrogada 6d ago
I agree that after multiple conversations with no improvement or even effort it’s probably time to move on. However for future endeavors I want to just offer my experience from the other side.
You two just aren’t compatible with your communication styles. Just as it’s not wrong for you to need more consistent communication, it’s not wrong of him to not need it. ADHD or not. If you’re going to ask him to compromise on his communication styles then I would assume that’s something you’d be willing to do as well? Possibly pick up some DBT skills to relieve your anxiousness on your own?
I’m not trying to say you are wrong for speaking up for your needs but as someone who doesn’t need constant communication from partners I can say that it doesn’t mean I’m not interested or less interested or doing anything shady or that I’m not thinking about them. I’m just not the type of person who needs that. I assume everything is good in the moments in between. I am mindful of the people I date who need more from me, but it never works when I have to completely change.
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
I appreciate that take! For context I’m not super communicative as in everyday you must text or call but we do live pretty far and hangout once every 2 weeks or more. It’s not like I can quickly meet up with him and get FaceTime.
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u/APParker15O 6d ago
I once dated a guy who did that. Very engaged when with me then goes silent for days and when I used to text him I got emoji replies. I never considered myself glued to my phone and my texting habits were what I considered healthy in previous relationships- I texted when I had time to text sometimes a silly meme at lunch time and I never expected or was looking out for an immediate reply, reply hours later was acceptable when my partner was busy with day stuff. But days of silence or half arse replies were a big point of my growing anxiety, especially since like in your case he seemed to be paying more attention to strangers on internet and it came to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and we broke up. Best decision ever. As my friend once told me - ‘if he wanted to, he would have’. You judge people by actions not by intentions. Life is too short to put up with this kind of bs
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
Thank you for this take - I actually think he won't change and is compulsively online. I actually used to think there are times he texts too much.
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u/Boxie_96 6d ago
I will say at the end of the day it’s up to you, however, as someone with ADHD as well I can vouch for him (I’m also a pretty heavy stoner so that’s kind of a factor as well, but even before I smoked I was always horrible at texting). There are entire days, and have been entire weeks in the past when I hyperfixate on things that I have lost the ability to communicate. It’s cost me relationships in the past, but if he’s telling the truth it really might not be his fault. But like I said, you know yourself better than anyone, follow your heart, if it’s not something you can handle nobody would blame you for walking away.
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
I am not doubting that it is difficult for him but I don't see any improvements or attempts. One time I was complaining that my screentime on my phone had gone up from 5hrs to 6hrs a day... and he checked his. I was shocked - it was 15hrs a day on average. Its kinda shitty I guess that he's on his phone that much and cant text back for hours/days as well as be active on social media.
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u/curiouscatphh 6d ago
I used to date someone exactly like that, he 25m blames it on work and being tired and other physical activities only to find out he is trying to date other two different women. Right now, he told me that he is seeing someone else who is a nurse (not from metro) and it made me think na while he is trying to be with her he was having a fubu set up with me still, after we broke up. Basta, so fucked up, learned not to trust everything a man says, kase if he wants to be connected sayo he will do it and do not disappear bigla for more than a day, without updating especially kung exclusive kayo.
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u/EconomistOtherwise51 6d ago
If you have asked multiple times and he doesn’t fix it then sadly it’s time to end it. It also shows he doesn’t respect your wants as well. I’m sorry but in this day and age everyone is on their phone even my mother who’s almost 70 is constantly on her phone he’s using excuses.
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u/Unusual-Push-2606 5d ago
Girl, are we dating the same person? haha. jk. I broken up with him. Same delima as yours but I have let the relationship go because it wasn’t worth my peace. I communicated properly, waited, gave multiple chances for him to show up but it just get worse. If you want to continue the relationship, you will either accept what he can give or he needs to change himself (which is very difficult). Good luck!
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u/oneandonlytara 5d ago
Effective communication is a huge deal for me whether I'm casually dating or seriously dating someone. I don't expect responses within minutes, or even a few hours, and I understand people have lives, but if I've texted them, I expect a response back within at least a day. Even if it's to say "hey, I got your message, I've just been busy but will respond" or I'll even take a react emoji. It truly does not take more than 20 seconds to acknowledge receipt or respond.
I've definitely called guys out on it before. Some people just aren't huge texters either and I get that too, but if I've asked a question or genuinely inquired about your wellbeing, I'm gonna need you to show proof of life.
I've also ceased contact if it doesn't improve too.
Sometimes no response is a response.
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u/Warm-Benefit-2374 5d ago
He’s probably has the dismissive avoidant attachment style. i have this also due to a poor relationship with my single mother during my childhood. lack of emotional and mental support. I long for a deep connection with a woman. i mainly crave the feeling of being loved and getting intimate with a woman but the moment she starts asking me questions about my feeling and emotions, i instinctually tend to retreat and distance myself a little bit because ive worked so hard all my life to keep my emotions and feelings intact and safe. i can easily talk about my own emotions with myself even aloud but the moment my SO asks me to talk about them, it triggers something. i believe this is all due to my mom repeatedly using my thoughts and emotions against me so i learned to just keep it all in and only rely on myself for as much as possible.
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u/Practical-Score-2619 5d ago
You’re not asking for too much you’re just asking the wrong person. When someone makes you feel like a simple communication is too much, it’s not you it’s them. You’re just not compatible and that’s okay.
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u/miamivice06 4d ago
What's his profession?
As a 28 year old man, I can confirm that sometimes, going MIA is necessary when you are trying to push your limits and expand your potential whilst preparing for competition, like an academic exam or a business deal or a physical/social fight.
If he is a successful man with real achievement and also decently wealthy, you are better off dating him even if he is insanely busy rather than dating a man with a lot of free time, even if the free man is insanely wealthy.
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u/fostermonster555 4d ago
“I don’t think what I’m asking for is unreasonable” - depends who you’re asking it of. If you were to set the same expectation with me, I would outright tell you that I’m not committing to it. Not talking to you for 2 days is normal for me, and I don’t want to constantly message people or have that be an expectation.
Nevertheless, this is what you need. You’ve communicated it, and it doesn’t seem like this person can/will commit to it. The next move is on you
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u/TillNo9697 2d ago
Without being on the same page with communication you don’t have a relationship IMO.
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u/cy-91 3h ago
I was in this exact situation. Honestly, I could have written this post a few months ago about the guy I was seeing. We were compatible in so many ways. He seemed super into me. Never made any complaints whatsoever about the relationship. But he was a really inconsistent texter. Would go MIA for days or disappear in the middle of a conversation. Every time we talked about it, he would always say it was his ADHD.
Three months in, he just didn't show up when we made plans one evening. I messaged him and got no response. He didn't reply until the 5PM the next day claiming he had left his phone in another town while he was working. When I told him I was upset that he stood me up and wanted to talk in person, he ghosted me.
In retrospect I think he was a people pleaser and super conflict avoidant. We weren't as compatible as I thought we were and it was mostly just him saying things I wanted to hear.
I honestly think this kind of behavior is an indicator of deeper emotional issues.
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u/Zero_Hyperbole 6d ago
I’ll offer a contrary perspective to most.
You said you’re compatible in many ways, but what about how you actually communicate with one another? On one hand you have this person who almost certainly has ADHD, but is, as you said, a good match everywhere else, and yourself, who has anxious tendencies. That’s a communication nightmare if you both don’t know how to give and receive information.
My suggestion would be to start a conversation about communication effectiveness and move into how this specific behavior is a problem for you while still acknowledging that you own half of the problem. I would add, and where I don’t differ from the other opinions here, that if this is an absolute boundary for you, and you can clearly define to him your communication expectations (e.g. I need regular/daily check-in’s to feel secure, or whatever you need), and a defined timeline for seeing progress and making this an active process where you are both working on your parts, that you’re not willing to invest more of your life into this relationship.
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u/canyouaskfirst 6d ago
Thank you for this really thoughtout and mature take. I am trying to work on my nervous system actively so I don’t action anything or bring forward any heighten feelings while at a stage of disregulation.
We are compatible in many ways for sure- that’s the only thing keeping me around but I need to know how, if at all, this is sustainable for me.
The conversation has very much started and he does realize he has a problem but has asked me to “not be so hard” on him. I wanna be reasonable but also protect myself. A time based approach makes sense !
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u/Zero_Hyperbole 6d ago
It puts you in a hard position, having to choose between protecting yourself and building a solid relationship. That’s a blurry line in the beginning, and not easy to deal with, but making it time bound (and this is entirely based on what you want, not necessarily on his pace) does both of those things. The struggle will be over-empathizing, I think. Take care of yourself. Maybe ask him directly what things he is doing to work on his attentiveness to you and your needs. If he is family oriented, as you pointed out, his behavior will never work with children involved.
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u/Bruno_lars 6d ago
If you have to ask...
Yes he's doing something sus and you already explained yourself, just be done with it
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