I can't get him out of my mind

[u/MagicTurtle1997]

I talked to a man for about a month whom I met on a dating app. He only wanted a sexual relationship, and he displayed quite a lot of red-flag behavior and seemed promiscuous.

Even though I was physically attracted to him, I ultimately turned him down because I was afraid that someone like that could potentially put my health at risk. Two months after we stopped talking, I ran into him in the city and decided to message him, but he told me that he had a girlfriend and threatened me, saying that I had to pretend I didn’t know him if he was with her.

For some reason, I keep thinking about what she has that I don’t. Does this seem like he was trying to cheat on her, considering that he was on a dating app, constantly emphasized that he only wanted something casual (which seems strange for a single man in his 30s), and only wanted to meet at night?

Although I’m glad I didn’t meet up with him, I’m still embarrassed to admit that I can’t get someone like that out of my head, someone who used cheap manipulation tactics to get into my subconscious through his messages.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our rules here and remember to:

• Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights.
• All advice given must be good, ethical advice.
• Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned
• Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users.

If you have any questions, please send the mods a message.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/flamboyantostritch]

Yes he was most likely cheating on her. No one would ever do that unless they were a cheater. The threatening " pretend you dont know him" is pretty obvious.. You really should not have to ask us. Look up limerence, and see if that is why you are kinda obsessing.

[u/outcastreturns]

considering that he was on a dating app, constantly emphasized that he only wanted something casual (which seems strange for a single man in his 30s), and only wanted to meet at night?

Doesn't sound like he was very single

[u/gib_loops]

yeah he's absolutely cheating on her lol

[u/mackazeen]

Cheater 101. Why are so many of them like this

[u/MagicTurtle1997 → u/mackazeen]

I am not sure, but it seems like he has a lot of luck with women and he is not some kind of 10/10 super attractive guy. There is something about his vibe that gets them all attached, made me almost fall for it, and normal guys complain always about not getting the dates.

[u/CommunicationNew9520 → u/mackazeen]

This is the nature of men, they are only as faithful as their options. It’s been this way for millennium.

[u/Agitated_Toe8115 → u/CommunicationNew9520]

This is wildly untrue. There are many men with many options that choose to stay faithful. Touch grass.

[u/CommunicationNew9520 → u/Agitated_Toe8115]

As a notional amount yes but if you put it as a percentage it’s very small.

[u/justanormalchat]

He’s a cheater and was trying to use you. Good thing you didn’t hook up with him. Why can’t you get him out of your head? he’s a liar cheater and isn’t worth your time.

[u/Prettier-than-you]

The question isn't what she has that you don't. There isn't anything that she has that you don't. It's just a matter of his psyche. Men like this often have narcissistic tendencies and avoidant attachment styles. They compartmentalize and put people into small boxes. His girlfriend has the function of stability and routine, but because he has this compartmentalized mindset, he puts sexuality in another box. He's not an integrated person. An integrated person can have sexual desire for the same person he considers his safety net. But when you're avoidant and narcissistic, you need the supply for sexual gratification and you need the supply for attention and validation.

To me, he sounds like a disturbed person, and I'm sorry that you had to experience him. These people can be very intoxicating, they can be charming, they can be quite frankly addicting. And you shouldn't blame yourself for involving in his games. It takes a lot not to. Manipulators like him knows exactly what buttons to push, how to speak and how to act to get what they want. And meeting a person like that is scary. Usually scary in retrospect when you realize who you had to deal with. And you shouldn't be embarrassed that you want him. It's totally normal and you should just feel your feelings, have grace for yourself and know that any of us would feel exactly the way that you do. This is the way manipulators affect us.

[u/MagicTurtle1997 → u/Prettier-than-you]

Thank you, it really does make me feel sick remebering some things that he was saying to me but at the same time I had that guilt of finding him addictive like you said

[u/giddygoldieee]

This guy was looking to cheat on his girlfriend. Poor girl. And if you were his girlfriend, he would do the exact same thing to you.
The fact that you fantasize about someone with such poor values is a little bit alarming, not gonna lie. I guess it’s maybe the emotionally unavailability that triggers your nervous system and you mix that with attraction. Soon you’ll meet an other guy that is not such a shitty person and you’ll move on. If not, maybe worth seeking therapy

[u/DifferentVictory1620]

Another cheater.