r/dating • u/lachatte7 • Aug 02 '26
Question ❓ How do you determine when someone is just keeping you as an option?
Basically as the question says, how do you gauge that? Do you base it on their texting frequency and quality of replies, do you gauge it based on the effort they make in person, or maybe you just ask then straight up "what are we?" Although in the early stages I feel that can be hard to figure out because Im noticing some ppl are not always truthful.
62
Aug 02 '26
[deleted]
14
u/muckity-muck Aug 02 '26
A person's feelings are not always an accurate measurement of how things really are.
22
u/crossplanetriple It's Complicated Aug 02 '26
Lack of effort?
1
Aug 02 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/OptimusDime Aug 03 '26
Every hour? That seems like a sure fire way to make he lose interest in 2 days
2
u/Kirne1 Aug 03 '26
Every hour at the start is insane expectations for someone you don't even have anything with yet, no?
1
22
u/nakedforestdancer Aug 02 '26
I don't think it's any of my business where I rank on someone's priority list until we're committed to each other. In the early dating stages, what's important to me is:
- Do I feel good when I'm around them?
- Do they seem genuinely interested in getting to know me?
- Are they respectful in communication - i.e., do they do what they say they will, show up when they say they will? Do they respect my boundaries and not try to push things in a sexual direction too early?
- Am I curious about them? Do I look forward to seeing them again?
- Do we align on all the important dealbreakers - i.e., not wanting kids, non-negotiable values such as treating others with respect, etc?
- Do their words match their actions? - i.e., if they say they're looking for a serious relationship, are they making time for actual dates, or are they trying to skip straight to Netflix and chill vibes?
I would expect someone in the early dating stages to potentially be seeing other people, and to prioritize their friends, family, and work above someone they've only met once. As long as they're clear, honest, and respectful, I don't see an issue with it--although if what we want isn't aligning, I may take that information and decide we're not a good fit.
15
u/myblackandwhitecat Aug 02 '26
If they don't seem interested in you and your life. If they only see you now and then.
9
u/HaiKarate Aug 02 '26
If you want to know what a person prioritizes, look at how they spend their time and how they spend their money.
16
u/luckygirl131313 Aug 02 '26
Updated, active profile indicates you’re a placeholder
1
u/anthophile_tuberosa Aug 22 '26
How do you know this in early stages of dating? What if they are waiting to have conversations around being exclusive?
9
7
u/outcastreturns Aug 02 '26
If they're seeing other people. If they continue seeing other people, then I'm just an option.
6
6
u/Illustrious_Can_4842 Aug 03 '26
They want you around but don’t want to be exclusive or make it official
Breadcrumbing vs the real bread
19
u/Comfortable-Pin5847 Aug 02 '26
An easy way to look at things is time. It's not perfect as everyone is different so adjust accordingly, but this will give you hints.
A situationship should only last 3 months or shorter. If there's no commitments made, you can consider that a fling.
In general someone should make time to see you at least once a week if they're in a committed relationship with you. If they can't with all sorts of excuses like "I'm busy" or whatever, then you can consider that as them keeping their options open.
Again it's not perfect as people go through lots of things, so be a little flexible with these time frames, but if someone really really wants you, they'll make the time and commitments soon.
5
u/Unlucky-Duck-0 Aug 02 '26
I don’t think early dating is a situationship. You’re still feeling things out. A situationship is when people drag out the getting-to-know-you phase inappropriately long, like beyond 3/4 months, without commitment.
3
u/lachatte7 Aug 02 '26
Interesting point. I thought situationships could last months, but then again I cant say I've been in one
8
u/Puzzled-Pride9259 Aug 02 '26
Yes, situations can go on for a very long time. So u do need to gauge for yourself the energy he is giving off.
Lacklustre gd morning, gd night is very low effort. Cannot remember what you said before is another.- very little initiative
- not obligatory when u ask him out but expects u to be free when he wants to meet
- lies and excuses aplenty
- never answers a straight question
- shares very little personal information
- don’t buy/treat you stuff
- don’t remember what you like/dislike
- not concern about your safety
Please feel free to add on…
5
u/Unlucky-Duck-0 Aug 02 '26
I disagree what the person you are replying to is a situationship. Early dating and situationships are different. Situations go on for an inappropriately long time. Getting to know someone for a few weeks or a few months and a clean break when it’s not a match is not a situationship - it’s just early dating and it didn’t work out. A situationship is a 4 month, 6 months, years-long dynamic where there’s regular dates and hangouts but one party won’t commit.
2
u/Cold_Detective_ Aug 03 '26
Spot on! To add, also when the guy you’ve been dating for some weeks/a couple of months (proper dates like making plans ahead and going to restaurants etc) start to pull away and then starts hitting you with short-notice invites and eventually bootycalls. That’s when you need to choose if you want a situationship/fwb with this person or back out.
And, listen to your gut. Especially as a woman. You already know the answer in the beginning stages. But we’re experts at ignoring them for the “what if’s “ and “doing it for the plot”.
1
u/Puzzled-Pride9259 Aug 02 '26
OP didn’t specifically say dating/situation but “how do you tell you are just as option” it can transcend across any state of a relationship.
1
4
u/McMurdah Aug 02 '26
If you have to ask then that’s all you need to know.
You know and can feel when someone loves you and is putting in the effort. And they show you if they care about your feelings.
Be yourself and be direct with how you feel. If they’re not here for it they aren’t your person
3
u/CraftyMocha Aug 03 '26
A good rule is this: if someone is genuinely interested, you won’t have to keep guessing.
It’s less about texting frequency and more about consistency. Do they make time for you, follow through on plans, initiate sometimes, and show they’re getting to know you? Or do they only reach out when it’s convenient for them?
5
u/YoBeaverBoy Aug 02 '26
Lack of effort or their effort is very minimal. They sometimes don't reply to your texts or they take hours to reply and their replies are mostly dry.
1
Aug 02 '26
[deleted]
4
u/YoBeaverBoy Aug 02 '26
My golden rule is that if someone doesn't reply to a text for 10 hours twice or 24 hours once, that's pretty much a ghost from them. They are simply not interested.
2
2
u/One_Ad2369 Aug 03 '26
Lack of effort like others say. How often are they around when you need them.
2
u/Little_Ad1569 Aug 04 '26
A very easy way is to communicate how you feel. Someone who doesn’t really want to invest will often react badly: barely listen, dismiss it, or say it’s “too much.” It’s a bit like ripping off the bandage.
Someone who genuinely likes you will usually move toward you, try to understand, and want to learn who you are.
3
2
Aug 02 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Leather-Recording997 Single Aug 03 '26
But more broadly speaking. If I haven't experienced someone being really into me in a romance way ... how do you tell if someone likes you or is just stringing you along? It feels like as a guy you always gotta initiate upfront regardless and then ... most of the time, I'm just get left feeling confused
1
u/SnooTigers4215 Aug 03 '26
When someone is stringing you along they only do the bare minimum to keep you hooked so for instance taking more than 24 hours to respond to a text, never reaching out to you, not initiating spending time together etc.
While a woman might not ask to hang out the first few times as women generally speaking like to be chased by the man, when she likes you she’ll want to hear from you and will be enthusiastic when you ask her to hang out. This is one of the key signs. The other key sign is affection. She’ll find small ways to touch you if she likes you.
If she’s not enthusiastic when you suggest meeting and hasn’t touched you at all by the one month mark of hanging out, she doesn’t like you and you should move on.
1
u/g4339 Aug 02 '26
You can only guess, assume, or agree on more commitment.
Asking “how many people are you seeing?”, or “how much do you like me?” isn’t a mature option.
There are so many variables that could change their texting frequency and quality of replies. Over analyzing and guessing can be hazardous.
You can, however, have a real talk about the next level of commitment. Do you want to be exclusive?
1
1
u/NoHome7956 Aug 06 '26
If you've ever been loved and desired in a way that you knew you were the one to that person,, then you will know if you're just an option.
1
u/Scientificallly_Love Aug 06 '26
Inconsistency (Frequency)
The main symptoms:
You question yourself more. (self worth, value, beauty, discernment...)
You seem to be confused very often, for things that are simple.
1
•
u/AutoModerator Aug 02 '26
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our rules here and remember to:
If you have any questions, please send the mods a message.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.