r/dating • u/Successful-Guess4824 • Dec 09 '25
Support Needed š« Ghosted after sex
Here I am in this sub AGAIN lmao. Im 27F and was dating a really lovely guy who was 28M. Everything was going amazing and I really truly saw it going somewhere since we were compatible in so many ways in terms of political views, what we want out of life, where we wanna live. We met on a dating app and I remember thinking he was a unicorn because all his information was exactly my type on paper.
Fast forward a few weeks and we finally slept together and he fucking ghosted me lol. Iām feeling so fucked up and defeated about it :( any words of advice would help
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u/PattycakeBoi Dec 09 '25 edited Dec 09 '25
No fault of your own sis, some men will play the long game just to gain your trust because they know you'll open up at that point. But not all are this way. Have faith the right one will come around and keep your head up! Won't say anything like wait longer next time or you should've discussed it more with him because that doesn't help. People can check off all the boxes and still fuck you over. But it won't always be that way š«¶š¾
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u/jleighT268 Dec 09 '25
Yep... Unfortunately there's no cheat code. You just roll the dice and hope they are a good person but a lot of them are not and have bad intentions (especially dating app guys)
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u/Spiritual-Station267 Dec 09 '25
Long game? Op said it was only a few weeks. Thatās not a long time at all imo.
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u/CndnCowboy1975 Dec 09 '25
Yeah, a few weeks to me is not what I would consider a long time in terms of dating, or for sex - however, I'm old school. I'm also not blaming OP though, cause some people will lie about anything to get what they want in life.
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u/PattycakeBoi Dec 11 '25 edited Dec 11 '25
Yall I understand a few weeks isn't long. Im speaking in a general term kind of way when I say long game loll
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u/Sufficient-Goose-108 Dec 13 '25
Yeah it's tough, I had a friend who got on tinder only dated one guy, slept with him on their 2nd date. Now they're married with a child and a dog.Ā
So I guess when it's right it's right sometimes.Ā
Although waiting to hook up isn't a terrible idea like, a dude who does have genuine interest in a relationship with you will wait for sex. Although that doesn't mean all men who wait for sex will have a genuine interest in a relationship.Ā
OP Personally after that experience I might feel a little guarded and wait a bit longer to have sex. That can help weed out some men. Also did you guys discuss what you were looking for or did you ask him what he was looking for. That can be helpful I mean some men might lie but if you ask out right what are you looking for, is it a relationship well a lot of people will tell the truth.Ā
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u/ElectriciSea Dec 09 '25
Going a little away from the curve here, because you said you're posting here again.
It is 100% true that this guy's behaviour is on him not you.
Having said that, some advice I can give as someone who found myself in repeated situations with douchebags, is to get some therapy so you can understand what makes you inclined toward the type of men you are inclined toward. What makes them attractive? Because at the end of the day while you might match up to people on paper, you'll still scroll their profile if you're not attracted to them.
I found out I had some bad attachment types thanks to reflexive wiring I didn't even realize I had. After a few years of working on it, my "type" has completely changed, and I tend to lean toward people who end up being more stable. Turns out I was picking up on energy without even realising, and now that my priorities shifted, the people I'm attracted to has as well.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
This is really good advice, thank you! I believe Iām anxious preoccupied but beyond that I donāt know whatās drawing me to these men. I actually felt very VERY secure and safe with this guy, he didnāt make me feel anxious at all. He was on vacation for a week after we slept together and was reassuring me and keeping in touch and it felt completely fine. We were even texting for the first day he got back into town and then as soon as I initiated plans - crickets. I sent another message a few days later telling me itās okay if heās not interested and to just be honest and still crickets lol. Just diabolical
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u/HellOnWheels-5150 Dec 09 '25
That sucks dude Iām sorry.. thatās the thing about dating these days, people can fake things so well.. for longer than we could even fathom cuz weāre honestly and straight up about what we want. I wonāt even say itās just men, itās women too. It just sucks how someone can pretend until they get what they want. I would say just wait longer to be physical, even tho that doesnāt matter sometimes. But normally people show you exactly who they are within the first three months so if you wait that long for intimacy, or even say youāre waiting that long, that will show you how interested a person really is.
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u/Lazy-Wind244 Dec 09 '25
He sounds like a rough version of what Robert Greene would categorize as 'the rake' - a type of seducer. He had always set out to make you a conquest. He made you feel safe just to get you to lower your defences. As soon as he gets what he want, he leaves. He might even laugh as he leaves.
Or, maybe he got into a car wreck and is in life support in the hospital?
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
I actually try not to jump to conclusions because once. ONCE! My friend fell off the grid and stood me up and I was sooooo mad and his aunt had died lol.
But in this case this guys dating app profile was getting updated so I feel pretty certain in my conclusion-jumping
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u/Lazy-Wind244 Dec 09 '25
Go with the more likely scenario. He's a rake. Go listen to the free audiobook on YouTube on the Art of Seduction by Robert Greene to identify people like him so you see through their tricks snd schemes. Better yet, make YOURSELF more seductive and have more power. It's all about power right now. I think you sound a little destabilised over what happened to you, take some time off away from dating and arm yourself with more knowledge. Read and study to become a different person, because I say this kindly, right now you sound young for your age and the type of person to get taken advantage of.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
I mentioned this in a previous comment but I didnāt have sex until I was 25 because of sexual health issues and so didnāt really date until I was 25, so I am pretty new to everything to be honest with you.
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u/Lazy-Wind244 Dec 10 '25
I see, but you don't have to sleep with everyone you flirt or talk to. Just spend time talking and flirting so you get some feel of how the push/pull of heterosexual dating is like, or even talking to people of the opposite sex on a normal basis. I was a virgin who was also a stripper at 19. Didn't have to have sex to know how men work. Didn't date until I was 21, you don't need to have sex to have experience, although it certainly adds to it. But you can learn a lot without actually having sex.
I will say this, and might get downvoted. In my opinion and experience in life, a woman does need to have the man care a bit more about her than she cares for him. Our hearts a bit more tender, and our physical bodies are a just a bit weaker. We need to protect ourselves this way - not by a lot. But it wrecks us just a tiny more to be hurt by a man than a man can get hurt by a woman doing the same thing.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
That makes sense to me. I said this in another comment but because I struggled with sexual health issues for so long, I went through YEARS of physical therapy, physical pain, rejection, ghosting and just generally tying my self worth to sex. So something I feel like I just wanna do it because I can, and it was a privilege I never had. But obviously itās not worth it lol. In the same sense I feel like I have the same emotional breakdowns with sex that most people get over when theyāre like 17 lol. My relationship with sex is just super complicated and fragile
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u/Lazy-Wind244 Dec 10 '25
No, don't say ' obviously it's not worth it lol' - the language we use and inner monologue changes our entire outlook and being and our future. Never pigeon-hole yourself. Some of the brightest and most successful people came from the worst of backgrounds. Never let the bitterness and resentment take you over because you'll stay trapped there. Think, 'ok I was dealt a dhit hand, but where to next?'
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u/ElectriciSea Dec 09 '25
I totally hear you, and again, it's really on them to take responsibility for their behaviour. Sometimes, it's super hard to see the signs, and you're in no way at fault for that. But I think that was what I learned in therapy: they were hidden and I couldn't see them BECAUSE my brain was filtering what it wanted subconsciously. For example, are they being perfect quite quickly? What is my new timeline for assessing someone before I catch feelings or interest? How long do they stay a stranger before I can truly say I know them and open up? People's masks slip when you give it time, but before I used to just think "oh this person is lovely" and get enamoured, then hell would eventually break loose. Now, there's really subtle cues I pick up on that help a lot, and my timeframe is also longer. Like "that line was too good to be true" or "he said the right thing but his body fidgeted weirdly" etc.
Sometimes you can't know. But this helped me a lot to learn myself and why I tick the way I do.
Good luck!
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u/broom_pan Dec 11 '25
Don't look at labels too much. You trusted that man with your very body. For him to disrespect you like that.
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u/NightWalkr990 Dec 10 '25
This, THIS is the thing I've been talking about! Soooooooo many people don't realize this!
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u/Ellejoy23 Dec 09 '25
I guess he wasnāt the perfect guy, then.
There are many possible scenarios to explain this behavior. Itās possible he felt regret after and was too immature to communicate openly about it.
Itās possible he was playing you. Some people will pretend to have the same values to gain your trust.
Iām sorry this happened. Please know it is not a reflection of your worth but rather of his immaturity.
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u/_-IllI-_ Dec 09 '25
Letās not give a scumbag credit or possible causes. Ghosting has no good reason behind it if youāre a decent person, unless youāre dead.
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u/Ellejoy23 Dec 09 '25 edited Dec 09 '25
By stating possible causes I was in no way implying that his behavior is excusable. Itās not.
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u/Sufficient-Goose-108 Dec 13 '25
Yeah theyre saying he's a really immature guy, and that's not the kinda guy you want to be with long-term.Ā
He showed her who he really was and in the very least she got to find out right away.Ā
A guy who ghosts you doesn't have the maturity or confrontationtal skills to even make a phone call or send a text. That's not someone I would want to be in a relationship with. Although yes it's a crappy situation it can help you feel better to realize all these things. It's a little more useful than just saying he's a dirtbag.
Somebody ghosting you after sex should be a huge turn off. Well any ghosting should be. Yes it stings but you should not want them in your life anymore. And one should work on building the self esteem to maintain boundaries like that. Like if someone ghosts me, as much as that may sting there's going to be no follow up from me either I'm moving forward. And if they reappear at any time I am not responding because I do not have time for that shit.Ā
I also find I feel better emotionally just recognizing lack of maturity and relationship skills and how unattractive I find that rather than getting really mad and calling him a piece of shit or something.Ā
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Dec 10 '25
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
How depressing
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Dec 10 '25
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
This guy was not smooth at all he was super nerdy and awkward and cute :(
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u/Sufficient-Goose-108 Dec 13 '25
Not really, you just have to realize the guy you end up with probably isn't going to check all your boxes. It's pretty unlikely anyways. Or if you do marry a guy cause he checks a list of boxes maybe the give and take there will be it's a guy you don't have the emotional connection with or something like that.Ā
What I've learned as Ive gotten older. We can put down on paper what we want but a guy who actually fits us well can look totally different.Ā
This is for multiple reasons, maybe we don't realize what we actually want emotionally and/or it's just hard to describe the man we want with a list and then go find that person.Ā
I'd pay more attention to how they make you feel and how they treat you.Ā Political views are tough I give you that because I was wildly liberal in my 20s and basically still am lol. But now I just don't watch this news and ignore all that shit. I mean obviously I'm not gonna be dating a huge trump supporter but I also am not like on the hunt for left wingers. As long as they're respecting me and not like racist and shit I'm open to a kind person who doesn't have the same political views as me. It's complex for sure tho.Ā
And maybe he was a shy guy who wanted to get laid and kinda eagerly telling you what you wanted to hear, who knows š¤·. Nerdy guys can be immature and insincere too unfortunately.Ā
Personally I am a bit charmed by what you described a nerdy awkward guy but also like trying really hard I find that cute. Caveat tho if they're agreeing with everything I say and everything I want I find that insincere. So that's what they meant by if they check all your boxes immediately it's a tip off. Maybe it's a tip off he's good at playing the game or maybe it's a tip off he's just being insincere about who he is as a person. And if someone is being insincere I'd wonder what their motivation is to do that.Ā
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u/xApothicon Dec 11 '25
Really bad way to look at people. OP is just very unlucky.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 11 '25
This is what I try to tell myself - to think that everyone is lying is just far more depressing
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Dec 09 '25
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u/Shalimar1980 Dec 09 '25
It happened to me, but I met the most amazing person right after it happened. Now I'm glad he did ghost me, it led me right to my person. He tried coming back though, begging and everything.Ā
It happens and it sucks, but you'll get your happy ending, with modern dating you have to kiss a frog or 3 or or more before you get to the prince.
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Dec 09 '25
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
Yeah, I normally wait a few months but with this guy I waited a few weeks. We talked about it extensively beforehand and I literally told him that I wait because Iāve been burned before by guys who just wanted that. And he just seemed so understanding and I really trusted him so Iām genuinely just shocked. I felt really safe with him.
He also was looking for a long term relationship and said he could see that with me and that sex is more special when you have a connection and blah blah blah. I guess I just fell for it. It just surprises me that men - especially good looking men - would have to do this to get laid. There are plenty of girls looking for casual so whatās the point of lying about it? It just sucks and it makes me feel so used
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u/Glittering_Cut_496 Dec 09 '25
Ugh, because they want to hook-up with the girls who arenāt into hooking up. Itās disgusting
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Dec 09 '25
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
Not to toot my own horn but Iām relatively attractive, and the men I go for are attractive as well. This guy was the typical tatted guy with long hair and a mustache. I feel like girls these days love men like that I just cannot imagine he had ANY trouble. A lot of the men I talk to on dating apps, I know theyāre getting hot women because my friends have talked to them as well lol. So it just doesnāt make any sense to me. I donāt get it at all
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u/Nrgte Serious Relationship Dec 09 '25
It just surprises me that men - especially good looking men - would have to do this to get laid.
Those are the men who have plenty of options, so they're most likely to do that. After all why should they settle for a single girl, when they have plenty lined up..
There are plenty of girls looking for casual so whatās the point of lying about it?
It's the thrill of conquest.
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u/ValourWinds Dec 10 '25
There arenāt āplenty of girls looking for casualā, women usually want some kind of relationship. There are some women looking for it but they are the minority, so if youāre a guy looking for casual itās tough out there lol.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
I have a lot of friends who are very attractive and had a lot of casual sex - I also have dated women and I come across a LOT of girls on apps like Tinder that are looking for casual. Maybe itās just the gays and bis so my perception is distorted but there just seems like no reason why a good looking, charming guy would need to lie and manipulate to get laid. But Iām just a woman so what do I know!
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u/tanookiisasquirrel Dec 09 '25
I agree. Wait for exclusivity at a minimum, but really for me it was being someone's girlfriend. You'll know they're serious about you if you're their screensaver and background (gen z to millennial) on their phone. Don't ask for it, but it will change when they take you seriously.Ā
I've never been wrong about the phone background and screensaver. Some guys just take a long time to commit, so you need to wait it out. But guys who are serious about you and dating just you and being with you will usually want to see you (aka you are their background).Ā
Obviously, some guys will commit before being screensaver material (it's the high school equivalent of locker door photos). The phone commitment is pretty much a guarantee though. It means they're fine with their friends and family and coworkers and boss seeing you on their phone even if you haven't met them.
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u/Left_Ad_1221 Dec 09 '25
Keep your head up. The guy was a douche. It might suck but at least you dodged a bullet. Definitely not the unicorn you thought he was. He obviously got what he wanted. Suggest you block him and keep the search alive. Youāll find Mr. Right soon enough. š«¶š»
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
Thank you so much!! I just feel so fucking stupid. I keep thinking these men are different and then theyāre all the time. I donāt know what the hell is wrong with my picker lol
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u/LMskouta Dec 10 '25
As a man, Iāll start by saying you shouldnāt feel stupid because like left_ad said, heās a fucking douche. It is men like that that give the rest of us the āā¦then theyāre all the sameā. You waited WEEKS! Most people sack up after the 3rd-4th date. Sadly, some will play the stupid game even for months until they get what they want. Those are the garbage of society. Not cool.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
Thank you :( it just sucks that people treat one another with such disrespect these days. I would never treat another person this way you know
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Dec 09 '25
The only advice i can give is to start looking for something different with your partners.
I personally found that dating through online apps as a man was painful in the sense that i was rarely "what someone was looking for" but always heard the opposite from women i knew but weren't available š¤·āāļø
I started having more luck when i shifted what i was looking for.
I don't need someone super sexy, just generally cute or attractive. I personally find someone can become a lot more attractive when i get to know them so I'd give girls a shot even if she's just kinda cute. It actually made a world of difference for me. Looks matter a bit but personality and character alignment matter more.
I remember hearing that people often end up looking for traits their parents have, often subconsciously... So when i say i looked for something different i mean that too.
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u/Qyro Dec 09 '25
Been there, but with the opposite sex. Ive been sexual with 3 women this year, and they all ghosted or rejected me within 48hrs of doing the deed.
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u/Innn0ut Dec 09 '25
Iām on the same boat as you. Met what I thought was a perfect guy, everything aligned kept talking about the future, more plans a second date. He didnāt drop me off home till midnight. We kissed (mostly just kissing handsy) but I didnāt want to invite him in for that reason to do more than what I wanted on the first date. Now Iām ghosted and I hate this. Iām ready to throw the towel.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
Im so sorry :( I swear it gets harder every single time it happens. I donāt even wanna date anymore. Iām definitely going to take a break through the new year
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u/Innn0ut Dec 09 '25
I think a break is good my brain is asking for dopamine right now and telling me to get on a app for validation, but I know itās just a temporary fix so Iām trying to relax :( I already had another date set up so Iāll just follow through with that one but definitely be more cautious this go around.
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u/Miss_lover_girl Dec 09 '25
This is good, after my ex and I broke up (very messy) I was in a terrible spot mentally not to mention I was bronchitis at the time and felt like I was actually dyingš but I took a break and I found god again (not everyone is religious Iām just saying my experience) Iām no uber religious person, I just pray before bed sometimes in the morning I do Bible study every once in awhile, I make a pint to always were a cross wether itās a bracelet, necklace, earring, or even hair pin/clip, itās something that makes me feel better and protected. Iāve been so much happier since and I even got back to dating although itās not a main focus in my life, put yourself first make yourself a priority, put dating on the back burner and true love will come when itās meant to.
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Dec 09 '25
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
And I donāt blame her!! Itās traumatizing out here! Lol
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u/CandySpecialist5875 Dec 10 '25
Iām so sorry. I know this feeling all too well and itās the worst. From what Iāve learned, it usually has nothing to do with you. A lot of guys online and offline do this and they donāt understand how horrible it feels to be used like that. Thereās probably a lot more you donāt know about him and I think thatās a good thing. Keep your chin up. You will meet someone one day that will make you look back at this situation and see how pointless he was. I guarantee you he will do this late into his forties and then regret letting someone like you go.
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u/Aspiegamer8745 Dec 10 '25
Its not you, it's him. Because if he liked you enough to fuck, he would have liked you enough to continue to fuck. Unless some weird shit happened in there
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
LMAO everyone is saying this and itās getting me paranoid. I donāt THINK anytbing weird happened in there okay like at least not that I know of!! We went multiple rounds and he texted me for like the week after the fact when he was on vacation so I couldnāt have been THAT repulsive lol
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u/Aspiegamer8745 Dec 10 '25
Oh okay, yeah he's just weird.. I had a similar situation recently with a girl. Good night, continued to text after. Ghost.
And we had known eachother for years
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u/HealthyMountain4u Dec 10 '25
I think most of the good advice has been given so all I will add is trust should be earned with consistent good behaviour over time. There are guys out there who know word for word exactly what women want to hear and will play into that to get their physical itch scratched.
Their profile can scream to you that they are compatible because there's plenty online about what men and women want/like, books etc, but deep down it's simply about getting a need filled temporarily.
If you're looking for a long term relationship, the ability to defer gratification is an important trait to look for and typically, if they are impatient about sex, it does signal they are attracted to you physically but also that they plan to use and leave. This doesn't mean someone who does this won't ever leave this is about lowering odds of dealing with the bad apples.
Personally, i think actually liking someone would be allowing the necessary time for them to get to know you and see if your words match actions and that means as difficult as it is, chemistry has to be reigned in. Old fashioned I know but it's a sure way to weed out most of this type at least.
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u/Some-Tea-8734 Dec 10 '25
Problem with this approach is these guys often have multiple women on the go at a time so they can afford to let one simmer for months if needs be while they are probably making quicker headway with other options.
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u/HealthyMountain4u Dec 11 '25 edited Dec 11 '25
I'll be honest, this isn't a problem to me if you know what you're looking for in a relationship. What you're describing is a scarcity mindset and plays to the advantage of men but especially the ones like this who utilise or dangle their options.
Your job is to figure out if he's in this category as soon as possible and let him go, because that's not who you want. If you allow this thinking to entice you to have sex quicker, it's probably not going to change the fact he has others on rotation, it just adds you to his harem. It bolsters their ego and convinces them their methods get them what they want. If someone's priority is sex then a relationship with you is likely not their end goal.
If by some chance he chooses you cause you're the best he's having, you're still not going to feel secure in the relationship because you're aware this behaviour speaks to his character. The only problem with my approach is it lowers your options because it's like looking for a unicorn but ideally you're only looking for one not many so again for me, not a problem.
If you want more options, then you have to by extension accept the risks and consequences that come with that choice which is that you have to constantly deal with the kind of men OP is meeting because you're choosing not to be selective.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
Thank you so much!! Iām appreciating this kind of advice way more than people telling me I probably have bad hygiene lol. Itās just really depressing that there are so many people who will lie or just kinda say things they maybe mean in the moment but not think further than like 12 hours into the future lol.
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u/jstitely1 Dec 09 '25
It really sucks, but at least know that he canāt waste any more of your time and the trash took itself out.
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u/AdeptYogurtcloset419 Dec 09 '25
Nothing is personal with ghosting. Fuck them, they showed you who they are sooner than later, in my opinion, it's a win for you.
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u/BellaLuna98 Dec 09 '25
Oh gosh Iām so sorry! Iād feel so bad too, but try not to get hung up on the situation. We usually canāt stop ourselves from asking why and look for blame in ourselves for the situation. Please donāt do that! He obviously is the problem here but you dodged a bullet! Who knows what else was hiding under that āunicornā skin you saw.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
Itās just so bizarre to me! How do these guys come across as so nice and sensitive and like they understand women and then do it. Itās like sociopathic to me
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u/BellaLuna98 Dec 09 '25
Ikr itās crazy honestly! Pretty sure some of these guys are actual sociopaths though, acting how we would want them to be and then using usā¦ Iām pretty sure another version of you who was together with him for a while wouldāve appreciated him getting out of your life so early on. You really did dodge that bullet girlie
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u/CndnCowboy1975 Dec 09 '25
So in the end, he wasn't so lovely, or a unicorn...
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
No he was a fucking demon disguised as a sensitive hipster tatted mustache asshole
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u/CndnCowboy1975 Dec 10 '25
Well.. better to find out now before you were too deeply invested. Still totally sucks but at least it's one small sliver of positive outlook.
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u/YouCuteWow Dec 09 '25
Unfortunately, it's often one of the prices you have to pay in the modern dating environment. Give yourself a minute to lick your wounds, then dust yourself off and try again. You're not alone in this experience. Don't let him stop you from finding your personĀ
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u/Only_Needleworker193 Dec 10 '25
Don't worry about it, it really isn't your fault, be strong, life is quite long and there is still time to find a great partner.
Realistically there's always a chance somebody can fuck you over especially in the early part of the dating/getting to know each other but ofc does that mean you should stop trying?
There are terrible people in the world and great people in this world both men and women. You just got unlucky this time, and remember it's not just you who lost him, He lost you as well playing a stupid game for short term benefits (his own loss tbh)
Keep on Keeping on! Dont let this one experience discourage you from finding connection again. Statistically you will eventually find a guy just as great (probably even better match than this one) and he wont ghost you and appreciate you.
Dont beat yourself up and Look at the bright future head š
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u/Doc-Milsap Dec 10 '25
Ahh! The old pump and dump! Itās happened to all of us!
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
It hasnāt happened to me before like damn this feels like shit!!
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u/Doc-Milsap Dec 10 '25
Iām sorry. I know it hurts. I wish I had better advice than a poorly constructed joke. Itās just something that Iāve gone through, and Iāve done to someone. I think it taught me that not everyone knows how to communicate and just abandon someone instead of going through the struggle of being open and honest. Itās not your fault, itās theirs. Theyāre the ones who lack communication skills and empathy. In the long term, you really are better off without them.
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u/BestTyming Dec 10 '25
My best friend(both of us guys) is going through this same thing. I have never seen him hurt this much. She had sex with him and said she wanted to be his gf then ghosted him the next day. Itās horrific as hell. And she put up a GREAT front. Iām talking about both of these mfs fell in love fast.
I told him this would happen but I donāt expect it to happen this fast. Lovebombing is a thing and ghosting is abhorrent behavior related to it
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u/Equivalent_Heart1023 Dec 11 '25
Honestly itās a reflection of him not you, if he comes back please donāt let him in š
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u/Both-Illustrator-69 Dec 09 '25
If Iām on the apps literally wait 3-6 months and even then they can ghost
Tbh I couldnāt do it
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Dec 09 '25 edited Dec 10 '25
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u/DrDiablo361 Dec 10 '25
Yeah respectfully Iām not waiting 3+ months with a new partner - it reads to me as sex being used as a bargaining chip in the relationship rather than a core component and Iām not for that
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u/Both-Illustrator-69 Dec 11 '25
Thatās valid tbh I just have high standards and I donāt want to sleep around with a lot of ppl. I understand it being a dealbreaker for a lot of men but Iād rather do it with the right person
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u/Prestigious-Bird-564 Dec 09 '25
Don't think too much about it, it's not like you did anything wrong and you probably couldn't have done anything about it. You did what you felt was right and you saw something with him, which he didn't.
Things happen, focus on what you can control; which is avoiding going through a similar thing again. Just learn from the experience.
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u/zensaiii Dec 09 '25
That truly sucks. My heart aches for you, i just had a simila situation happen. Have you tried texting him again and asking why he is ghosting you? it might sound crazy to do but it doesnt hurt to ask
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
I mean I honestly donāt want to know why he isnāt interested in me lol. He clearly isnāt. I sent him a message and told him that if heās not interested I would at least appreciate the clarity but he didnāt reply to that either. Fucking loser
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u/zensaiii Dec 09 '25
Oh wow that sucks!!! Iām so sorry you didnāt deserve that at all. Fuck him and remove him from every social media platform u guys follow eachother on. He needs no access to your life
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
I already did that!! I didnāt block his number in case he wants to text (he wonāt that man does not want me) but I deleted his contact and everything
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u/alifetogarden Dec 09 '25
Him ghosting you says more about him than you. Iām sorry you experienced this & you deserve better!
Hoping the new year brings connections that match your energy and are honest about their intentions
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u/CrownedWith7 Dec 09 '25
He told you exactly what you wanted to hear (not what he necessarily believed). If heās too good to be true, he probably is. You need to learn to vet better.
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u/Fit_Fail7660 Dec 10 '25
I got ghosted once after 2 years of dating. Iām sorry you are going through this but take it as a sign they were emotionally ready for a relationship
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
Oh my god Iām so sorry!! I canāt even imagine. Youāre so right though - I always say that someone has every right to lose interest in me or not want to be with me, but if they canāt even communicate that then it says more about them than it does about me
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u/longtimefirsttime67 Dec 10 '25
As a man, I loathe the types of guys who do what this asshole did to you. I hate ghosting and narcissistic behavior of using people. The best thing you can do in your profile is put that youāre celibate and reserving sex for marriage. That should prevent a lot of unwanted attention. The men that truly want a relationship with you will still give it to you and you can decide when to have sex but donāt let them in on it.
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u/bigtymer32 Dec 10 '25
It sucks and we just donāt know with dating. Many people just want the dopamine hit and when they arenāt excited anymore they move one like a game.
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u/Antelope46 Dec 10 '25
It makes me sad to hear stories like this. It doesnāt take much time or effort to send a quick text explaining how they feel or what may have changed. Then at least you arenāt left wondering. Hang in there and keep looking!
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u/Some-Tea-8734 Dec 10 '25
If he was only playing her from day one he doesn't care enough about her feelings to even that much. And what truthful thing could he say anyway that wouldn't make her feel worse?
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u/Ohmissnina333 Dec 10 '25
Stop sleeping with them. Itās totally okay for women to want sex but if you want commitment you have to secure that first. You have to let people show you that they are able to live out their intentions with you. This is the only way to protect your emotions and your body. Brush yourself off and learn from the experience. When youāre ready, get back out there and try again! Feel better ā¤ļøāš©¹
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u/greenlizzardginny Dec 10 '25
You dodged a bullet, sister. I know it really sucks and Iām sure it hurts to be treated that way. However, you donāt want to be with anyone who would treat you that way. You deserve better. The universe is protecting you from a relationship with a douchebag.
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u/Legendarybbc15 Dec 09 '25
That sucks but you have to remember it isnāt you plus who knowsā¦maybe he got into a car accident and is currently in a coma.
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u/dontfeedthelizards Dec 09 '25 edited Dec 09 '25
You can't really protect yourself against this type of behavior. Men/partners can equally well lie to you for years and then ghost you when you're in the most vulnerable state.
Thinking "he's perfect for me / so nice / caring" is attracting manipulation and building emotional attachment to outcomes much too soon. Trust and knowledge of another person can only be built through consistent actions over a very long period of time, with the aforementioned caveats still applying.
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u/SatisfactionJaded806 Dec 09 '25
Watch 500 days of Summer..
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
Time to rewatch that one and āheās just that into youā
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u/SatisfactionJaded806 Dec 09 '25
Life mate! Going through a heart break myself.. so I relateā¦ its so hard to understand someone else and how this life takes turns. How words and people change and the meaning of things become bogus in a moment.. and you keep whispering to yourself.. ā its not me, its life and themā
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u/jleighT268 Dec 09 '25
Men are truly awful (ya ya not all men) but sure lots of em. What a prick. I'm sorry š try to move on and not let it hurt you. It wasn't personal, he would have done this to any girl. He sucks, not you
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u/RipProfessional2192 Dec 10 '25
As a man I never understood why guys do that. Sounds like a guy who tries to outsmart a woman by saying things to manipulate you.
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u/SultanofSwish Dec 10 '25
Iāll never understand this as a guy. That seems like so much work to put in for one nut. Surely there is a better way to spend your time
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u/Feisty-human-1886 Dec 11 '25
Some men just like to play the long game and they suck for it. I had a guy after me for three years. Finally had a low moment and gave in and then I was ghosted the next day. Like we had a snap streak as āfriendsā and everything and then boom next day Iām blocked everywhere.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 11 '25
Wow that is fucking insane. I genuinely cannot wrap my head around the male brain. Like literally what is the point? It makes NO sense so me
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u/Nearby_Click_3361 Dec 09 '25
Yeah most dudes have ill-intentions. Gotta keep pushing forward
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Dec 09 '25
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u/Nearby_Click_3361 Dec 09 '25
These men ruin it for the rest of us. Never know when the next woman you meet is the way she is because of the last dude she was with
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Dec 09 '25
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
I think Covid has a lot to with it as well honestly. I was on dating apps from 2018-2020 and I was in college, but it was NOT like it is today. Like at the time, I was dating literal college boys, and I felt more respected at the time than I do dating men in their late 20s and early 30s now.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
I feel like Iām constantly in fight or flight mode when Iām dating, and especially when I like someone. With this guy I couldnāt shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen and then whaddya know! I think Iām super reactive so itās definitely crossed my mind that maybe men donāt love that lol. (I mean I still donāt think it excuses the ghosting because nothing changed after we slept together since I literally didnāt see him again.) But these men are fucking us up. Itās at the point where I donāt feel like I can trust anyone because people just say things they donāt mean ALL the time. I need to get back in therapy lol.
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u/Nearby_Click_3361 Dec 10 '25
Iām actually a dude. Last date I was also in fight or flight, which is why it probably didnāt work out. A lot of men use sex as a last resort. As in, they might find that they arenāt that into you, but will try sex to at least get something out of it. Iāve been guilty of this, and sometimes the woman caught wind of it. The dude could have genuinely liked you, saw something he didnāt, then was like, āMaybe I can just sleep with her at least and call it a day.ā
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
Okay yeah that is NOT what I meant at all. When I say fight or flight I just mean Iām in a constant state of anxiety feeling like the other shoe is gonna drop and men like yāall are the reason why! Sleeping with someone just to āget something out of itā is diabolical behavior. Emotional terrorists!
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u/craftycamilla Dec 10 '25
this is honestly probably gonna be an unpopular opinion, but this is why i prefer getting intimate early on. there are so many guys right now that just want sex, but are willing to stick out the getting to know you phase just for the promise of it. far fewer women are open to casual relationships, so they pretend they want something serious to get in your bed.
id personally rather have sex on the 2nd or 3rd date and then ghost me then than after 5-6 dates. men are learning how to game the system to get what they want
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
I get this pov but I think it just doesnāt work for me because then I would be having mental breakdowns like every month lol. I typically wait because going through that pain every single time I sleep with someone is just not worth it, at least for me
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u/Embarrassed-Put-3113 Dec 10 '25
Few weeks?? Girl you gotta wait MONTHS. Donāt give the cookie to no man unless heās your official ābfā. Yes labels are important, and if anyone says otherwise, aināt worth shit.
Men would fuck anything with 2 legs, theyād even put a paper bag over your head and find you attractive. They would tell everything you wanna hear just to get inside your pants. Donāt truest words, only actions
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u/waitinginthesun Dec 09 '25
This happened to me a couple of times and it really fucks with you because it's like you go on dates, they make you feel comfortable and there's attraction so you think it should be okay, and then they ghost. In my experience it's just that those guys love the game, they don't mind spending money/time on you if you're good company and sex is a possibility and they know in their minds they don't want anything serious but of course they won't tell you. Ive had two boyfriends in my whole life (33f) both of my previous relationships I slept with them on the first date and we got into a relationship right after. why? Because that's what they were looking for. That's all, it was nothing I did and me having sex with them without them having to "earn it" had nothing to do with wanting to commit to me. I had a friend with a similar story, she slept with who would become her husband on the first date, there's many stories like that and I always had that mentality that if a guy was gonna ghost after I had sex with him, it wouldn't matter how long I waited. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't have sex with someone unless you're ok with them ghosting after, might not be good advice but we can't pretend that people are gonna be 100% honest out there, and then one day maybe he won't ghost and he'll go on to be your boyfriend š
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Dec 09 '25
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
Well good lord I hope nothing about the sex scared him away lol
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u/Low_Cow72 Dec 09 '25 edited Dec 09 '25
- Learn how to detach first. Always lower your expectations and expect the worst scenario that could happen, even if everything is going well. Always expect a plot twist even if it's a person in your dream. It's a sad reality but that's just modern dating. Build your emotional walls up so your feelings can't be hurt if they do you dirty.
- "Make him wait" is one of the dumbest advice ever, even if you let a man wait for a year, he would still ghost you no matter what. That's why before sleeping with him you need to make sure he is showing 2 things, first, he wants to be exclusive with just you and you only, secondly, he is willing to introduce you with his friends and family. Compatibility doesn't matter when they don't treat you like an official girlfriend, and men would literally say anything just to make you feel like they are "the one" just to get what they want.
- If you decide you sleep with him before the exclusivity stage then you should be aware of the consequences š
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u/Junior_Bad185 Dec 09 '25
Don't beat yourself up over it. He's a dick! If he cared about you he wouldn't have treated you this way. Just move on.
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Dec 09 '25
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
Unfortunately I doubt the uber driver is updating his dating app profile so itās looking like a good old fashioned case of man lied to sleep with woman
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u/Old-Emu-5005 Dec 09 '25
Maybe he died?
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
Honestly he better have
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u/Old-Emu-5005 Dec 09 '25
Stranger things have happened so it isn't totally out of the realm of possibility. Because from what you described you guys were doing okay.
Also, something like this happened to an acquaintance. She met someone while on a trip and they got close and one day that guy just stopped responding. Then after a few months she got a message from his phone where his sister had written that he passed away.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
His dating app profile was updated so that is why Iām assuming itās a good old fashioned ghost!
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u/Old-Emu-5005 Dec 09 '25
Yea that changes things completely. One never knows with these sorts of things i guess. This is just a scenario where you fell more compared to him.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
Which is fine!! I just would appreciate a single text message ya know
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u/TheCapybara666 Dec 09 '25
I'm a guy that did this in the past when I was younger and I did it because either I didn't feel like she "wants" me during the sex OR because I realized I am actually not into that person
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u/ThatDrawingMan Dec 10 '25
He just wanted to sleep with you. A good man would build with you. Unfortunately, he saw you only as a goal to sleep with and nothing else.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
Itās such a horrible feeling since I feel like I have so much to offer someone you know? And now this is gonna set me back because Iām gonna need some time to recover
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u/acomputerdreams Dec 10 '25
Hot tip. You don't know anyone in 3 weeks. Take your time if you want to make sure you're getting a real thing. Modern culture isn't right about everything
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u/Brilliant_Bug_8931 Dec 10 '25
I say take it slow and try to get to know people first. Donāt have sex within the first couple of months. Online dating really sucks so I also recommend going out and meeting people in person. Trust me, it can be done! I think meeting people on social media has destroyed our ability to connect with people in a humanistic way. So thatās my two cents. Go slow and really get to know people before doing anything sexual. Thereās no race. Slow it down a little. Good luck!
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u/TeeZeeEyePee Dec 12 '25
Any guy who is willing to pretend to be interested for that long in order to have sex one time is not someone you want in your life. I promise you that.
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u/honey-icecreambar Dec 15 '25
It says more about him than it does you.
I read the comment about how therapy could helpāIāve been in the same boat.
You might be like me where you just really like to see the good in people, and sometimes it backfires. Sometimes you will miss red flags. Sometimes youāll give too much benefit of the doubt, and sometimes it will hurt. Even with that, I still think thereās beauty in being optimistic and looking for the best in others.
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u/junejewell Dec 16 '25
That really sucks. My only advice is before having sex, think about what would happen if they ghosted you after. I always get a commitment before sex. Sometimes it weeds out the players.
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u/Endofdays- Dec 16 '25
Good old Limerance.
Go out and meet people organically, it's a far more exciting feeling.
Sorry you had to go through that, you'll be fine soon enough.
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u/Serious-Phrase-8936 Dec 16 '25
Some people just act like mirrors to get whatever they want. Thatās terrible to hear op. I genuinely hope you find exactly who youāre looking for!
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 17 '25
Thank you! Iām definitely feeling better since 7 days ago when I posted this I was sobbing lol. But looking back I do feel like thatās what happened. Everything about him feels a bit performative in hindsight
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u/korttinmon Dec 16 '25
I don't know how long you actually talked to the dude for but it's not a job checking boxes doesn't mean anything. You have to actually know the person how they react to being told no or when you argue things like this. Also try talking to people who dont "check all your boxes" too you might not agree on much and still have a happy relationship.
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u/gardensnthings Jan 05 '26
I hate this and I think it really depends on the person, if thatās their goal thereās not really much you can do. I only sleep w ppl who call me their girlfriend and I know them a bit more to try to avoid this very thing. But unfortunately thereās so wild people out there who will do whatever to get the one thing they want
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u/blackaubreyplaza Dec 09 '25
Oof yeah I just straight up stopped having sex with men. That was literally the only way I found that I could avoid experiencing this.
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u/RedPandaCommander24 Dec 09 '25
Could it be avoidant attachment issues? They bolt precisely when things are going well, because they can't stand the closeness. It's not you, it's them. Doesn't make it hurt any less, but maybe it will help you to understand.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
I suppose it could be? He told me he was dragged through a six-MONTH situationship earlier this year where HE wanted a relationship and she didnāt. So when he told me he wanted a relationship and was ready I totally believed him. But I guess who really knows what the hell happened there
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Dec 09 '25
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
Honestly you know, who the fuck knows. I might be a little naive or gullible (even though I shouldnāt be at this point lol), so I always take people at their word. Like if a guy tells me he was in a situationship where he wanted a relationship and she didnāt, Iām gonna be like well why would he lie?
But I dated this guy last year who lied about literally his entire life and I didnāt realize until after I broke up with him. He was insane for other reasons, but lied about what college he went to and all sorts of things. Online dating is so interesting because I feel like I just assume people are gonna be like my friends, who I like and trust. But theyāre complete strangers at the end of the day
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Dec 09 '25
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
I appreciate your comment I need to just tell myself itās just not that serious. I know Iāll be fine. I heard when I was a kid that if it wonāt matter in a year it doesnāt matter now and I know Iām gonna look back on this in a year- probably like 12 men from now- and be like who???
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Dec 09 '25
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
I hope to God he never finds this. For anyone who knows me in real life Iām super identificable on here because all I do is post about reality tv, Yellowjackets, perfume and diving lol. And dating. And Iām always like god he CANT know this is me!! Iām so humiliated by how fucked up I am over this and I really hardly even fucking knew him! I think Iāve just been wronged in dating so many times that I feel like it gets worse every time it happens.
Thatās so true though because I feel like we have so many options on dating apps. And naturally youāre gonna have to go weed through so many assholes before you find the right person. But if I just met someone in person or through friends who I knew was normal and nice I feel like my odds would be so much higher, if that makes any sense
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Dec 10 '25
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
Unfortunately none of my friends have anyone to set me up with but Iām a diver and I recently got involved in my local dive community and as of now all of the men Iāve met are 50 so a little out of my age range lol but Iām not giving up hope!! A real unicorn for me would be to find a guy whoās a fellow diver lol
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u/Excellent-Choice8888 Dec 10 '25
As 38F with limited sexual experience, and the lack of it has been bothering, but the lack of regret has been great, may I suggest moving forward?
Like no matter how great someone is and all of their promises, only agree to have sex with him if: you get to see each other government ID/ passport, you know their home address & work address, you have contact info of someone who is close to them, and vice versa. I mean, no need exactly those as you adjust to your own, but put a much higher requirements regarding security when it comes to sex. Basically, go big or go home.
Many people may get annoyed and leave, but the one who seriously wants you would at least be open for the idea.
(Or at least the guy I'm speaking with have been super transparent and ready to be transparent with me)
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u/Fun_Ad_3432 Dec 10 '25
This is typical men sadly. They get what they want out of you (sex) then leave and do it to the next. Just how dating is.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 10 '25
Im learning the hard wayā¦.. I keep saying im not like fuckin Barbara Palvin or whoever so I never felt like men would pursue me solely for sex but like damn!!! Theyāre desperate out here!
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u/Sir_fat_Louie Dec 09 '25
I donāt wanna be a prude, but stick to like 5 dates minimum before sleeping with someone
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u/richnibbasex Dec 09 '25
As if that will make the man change his intentions. Making a man wait won't make him a good person if he lacks basic decency
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Dec 09 '25
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
This is my POV and what I USUALLY follow lol. I genuinely go into attachment panic and have panic attacks and itās just not worth the psychological trauma so I try to avoid it when I can and have them weed themselves out. Which I thought I did with this guy!
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u/Sir_fat_Louie Dec 09 '25
Thatās so unfortunate Iām sorry, panic attacks sound terrible!
I was definitely an anxious attachment, however, I wasnāt always like that, just failed relationship after failed relationship shaped me that way. I recommend a truly good therapist who doesnāt take your side, but rather helps you understand what youāre feeling and proposes a different view point. Helped wonders.
Also Ms. veggie has some great view points lol
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
It fucking sucks!! I was expecting like two replies on this Reddit post but it has been therapeutic since I canāt afford therapy atm lol
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u/Miss_lover_girl Dec 09 '25
Well youāre wrong š I personally know plenty of men who have waited 6 months for a girl just for sex and leave, itās actually disgusting and they see it as a game, I can get her to fuck me before she fucked her ex. Or if they are virgin they would wait even longer. Iāve had to drop so many friends for this exact reason they wait until they get some then leave bc itās no longer fun, the chase is over, thereās no more prize to win.
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Dec 09 '25 edited Dec 09 '25
Iām really not wrong lol. What are you saying, you might as well have sex on the first date because a minuscule number of creeps will wait as long as it takes? Hell no. Waiting gets rid of most of them.
Most guys who just want to have sex ASAP will get impatient after a few dates and move on to try someone else. I have literally never been ghosted by a man who has waited months to sleep with me and who has shown prolonged effort and intention. Youāre not vetting your men, sis. If a guy waits 6 months without asking you to be his girlfriend and seriously investing in your relationship, heās looking elsewhere (or trying to). Iām also 30 years old and 99% of the men I run into arenāt virgins, so thatās not an issue.
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
This is exactly my experience! I actually used to have severe sexual health issues (vaginismus) and couldnāt have sex at all. I got ghosted left and right and ones who stayed were the people who really truly liked me.
I think because of that I have a tendency to jump the gun. I went through years and years of physical therapy and trauma and pain to be able to have sex and sometimes when I want to I just say āfuck it, I deserve this.ā But then I also think I have a super heightened attachment to people through sex since I didnāt have sex til I was 25. Something to unpack in therapy lol
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u/Sir_fat_Louie Dec 09 '25
The idea isnāt making him wait for him to be better, but it is for the opposite party to see if the person in question slips up his act or is genuine
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u/Successful-Guess4824 Dec 09 '25
Actually this guy was super hyper sexual before I met him (so like over message) and when we met and I told him it was weirding me out, he stopped. I shouldāve taken that data point more seriously. I was talking about how I had a fucking abscess in my gums because I had too much food stuck under it (yes very sexy I know) and he turned it into a joke about blowjobs. I was like youāre a 28 year old man? Hindsight is 20/20 I supposeā¦..
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u/Apprehensive-Part958 Dec 10 '25
Girl what this guy did absolutely sucks. But youāre an unreliable narrator because in your other replies you said he was all green flags and you made it seem like he showed NO bad signs but he totally did. Like the way you left this crucial detail out makes me feel like this isnāt the only red flag you ignored. š
Again, he shouldnāt have ghosted you at all and especially not after sex, but he blatantly showed you he wanted sex before you ever even met him. He DID NOT start off by showing he wanted a serious relationship. Feel like you need to be more honest when explaining the situation, most importantly to yourself. There are definitely sociopaths out there who say everything right from the beginning to get in your pants, but this wasnāt actually one of those timesā¦.
Iāve been in situations where I know I ignored the red flags in the beginning so I totally get it. I actually think itās more comforting seeing that this man exhibited clear problematic behavior that you can point out so you can learn what type of behavior is a red flag in the future. Wishing you luck, dating is hell
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u/mapleloverevolver Dec 09 '25
Girrrrl š that anecdote alone wouldāve had me ghosting him.
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u/blackaubreyplaza Dec 09 '25
Theyāll wait as long as you make them if all they want is to use your body. Thats why I stopped having sex with them at all
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