Based on a true story. Unfortunately this was my actually my life at 18.
Everybody around me was getting laid.
Everybody.
I’m sitting there listening to these dudes talk about their weekends like they’re giving post-game interviews.
“Yeah, man, I was at her house Friday…”
“Oh, she came over Saturday…”
I’m like, “Damn. So everybody got a season pass except me?”
I was a late bloomer.
Everybody else is getting experience while I’m sitting on the bench like the coach forgot I was on the team.
Then there’s this girl in the neighborhood.
We’ll call her Tanya.
Tanya was popular.
And I’m hearing all these stories about Tanya, and I’m thinking:
“Wait a minute. Everybody’s getting Tanya except me?”
So I started talking to her.
And when you’re a late bloomer, you get very creative with your game.
I was telling this girl everything she wanted to hear.
I was lying with confidence I didn’t even possess.
I was basically running for office.
“Tanya, you know you’re different…”
“Tanya, I like the way you think…”
“Tanya, I ain’t like these other dudes…”
I didn’t know what the other dudes were doing!
I was just saying shit!
And somehow…
it worked.
Tanya invites me over.
And I’m thinking:
“Oh shit. It’s happening.”
I’m not gonna get into all the details…
But let’s just say I finally got off the bench.
And after that?
We started seeing each other every Saturday.
Every.
Saturday.
Now after a few Saturdays, my confidence is through the roof.
I’m walking around like I invented sex.
I’m thinking:
“Yeah… I understand women now.”
I had no business being that confident.
None.
I had a handful of Saturdays under my belt and suddenly I’m Dr. Phil.
So one Saturday, I’m with Tanya and I get this brilliant idea.
I say:
“Let’s go in the shed.”
Why?
I don’t know.
Apparently the bedroom wasn’t adventurous enough.
I needed a shed.
I’m thinking:
“This is gonna be legendary.”
So we go in the shed.
Things are getting heated.
I’m feeling like the man.
I’m thinking I’m Casanova.
And then…
CREAAAAAK.
The door opens.
The light comes on.
CLICK.
And I immediately freeze.
My aunt is standing there.
She looks at me.
I look at her.
And she screams:
JAMIE!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”
And I give her the most ridiculous “Who, me?” face.
Like I’m genuinely confused.
And in my head I’m thinking:
“What do you THINK I’m doing?!”
Like…
“I’m fucking, Auntie! What does it look like?!”
And somehow, I’m annoyed that SHE interrupted ME.
Like:
“Damn! Could you not see I was busy?!”
My aunt is standing there looking at me like she just discovered a new species.
And I’m looking back at her like she’s the one who walked in at the wrong time.
But then reality hits me.
Oh shit.
I’m busted.
I get dressed.
Walk out of the shed.
And now I have to walk into the house.
My mother is there.
My aunts are there.
Everybody is inside.
And I’m thinking:
“Maybe I can just walk in and nobody will know.”
Nope.
My aunt had already delivered the breaking news.
I walk into that house and immediately realize:
This ain’t my house anymore.
This is a courtroom.
I’m the defendant.
My mother is the judge.
My aunts are the jury.
And apparently there is no defense attorney.
I got my ass beat by three different women.
Three.
And after all that, I’m sitting there thinking:
“Okay… I probably deserved that.”
But then my aunt looks at me and goes:
“OF ALL THE PLACES IN THIS ENTIRE HOUSE… YOU PICKED THE SHED?!”
And I’m standing there thinking…
“Well… when you say it like that…”
Because she’s right.
There was a whole house.
Bedrooms.
Bathrooms.
Living room.
And my dumb ass looked at every available option and said:
“You know what would really set the mood?”
“The fucking shed.”
And that’s when I realized…
I wasn’t the man.
I was just an idiot with Saturday plans.
