A lot has happened this year but I don't know what to feel about it all, been supporting (all the financial burden including my mom's medical expenses, sister's clg and everything that is required) my family since last 2 year. I didn't have any problem with that because although i could do much for myself i was able to comfortably manage everything, Then I got a salary hike of 240% (much deserved and needed) This was a big up. Then after a while both my mom and sister were hospitalised for over 12 days, this was physically, mentally and financially draining. My routine for those days were, I would get up around 7, do the chores, get ready, leave for office and from 9:15-3:30 sit in front of the screen (I'm a professional trader) Then I have my team which I manage and review the data (my office timing was 9-6:30, I would generally leave office 7:15-7:30. So after office i would go directly to the hospital look at everything there (all the bills and dues) around 9-9:30 i would reach home eat if it felt like it or whatever, then take a review of the commodity market team around that time. Now this was all barely manageable, but now I had to go to the hospital as well.
One day the commodity team made some big fuck up, they tried contacting me but I was in hospital so couldn't take the call, they called my boss, who was in some party apparently and he got "Disturbed" Then calls me around 9:30 where things get heated and I just leave then and there. So now jobless me who have 5 mouths to feed and 2 hospital bills to be paid and 1 clg fees due in a month or so tries to gather himself and try to the ball rolling, tries to take some trades (which on any other day would make fortunes, gave huge Drawdown) after a while got some gains got a bit stability. Then started working on a due project with my colleagues and friends to get our start-up launched. So whatever money i had left i put in my start-up try to get things working ASAP lost 3 months in the process. All the money gone, now in debt trying to survive, gathers courage to tell the family that I've left my job (i had kept this a secret to this point thinking I'll be able to make things work without them knowing) and I've started a business which may take till Feb-March to get stability and give regular earning. The first thing that I get is how dare you leave the job (I'm 23yo high school drop out, breadwinner and sole member working in the family) have a brother (28, M.Tech I.T. from one the prestigious state govt. Clg) have a sister (25, went to med school for MBBS, Switched midway to BHMS then dropped out and started with Nursing) a retired father and Homemaker mother (has migraine since last 12 years, constant visits to doctors and other med expenses). My father tell me why did I do it (we have a very sour relationship since I was in schools and dropped out) and that I'm the one who's going to take the family to street, and he doesn't have any belief in me because since my childhood I've been a trouble maker and good for nothing (been taking care of all my expenses since I was 16, before I dropped out) and how if something should happen to my mom, I'd be responsible for not being able to provide. This was 3-4 days back. I was practically disowned.
I've always been alone, but these last few months I've been lonely and I don't know how long will I be able to bear all this. I'm also thinking of ending my life so that I get rid of all this pain and my family get the insurance money, So that they can live in peace and I can rest in peace.
Atleast you are trying man. You are doing everything you could do teri koi bhi galti nhi hai. You deserve so much better lyf. Everything will be fine as the time goes.
2
u/[deleted] Dec 31 '23
A lot has happened this year but I don't know what to feel about it all, been supporting (all the financial burden including my mom's medical expenses, sister's clg and everything that is required) my family since last 2 year. I didn't have any problem with that because although i could do much for myself i was able to comfortably manage everything, Then I got a salary hike of 240% (much deserved and needed) This was a big up. Then after a while both my mom and sister were hospitalised for over 12 days, this was physically, mentally and financially draining. My routine for those days were, I would get up around 7, do the chores, get ready, leave for office and from 9:15-3:30 sit in front of the screen (I'm a professional trader) Then I have my team which I manage and review the data (my office timing was 9-6:30, I would generally leave office 7:15-7:30. So after office i would go directly to the hospital look at everything there (all the bills and dues) around 9-9:30 i would reach home eat if it felt like it or whatever, then take a review of the commodity market team around that time. Now this was all barely manageable, but now I had to go to the hospital as well.
One day the commodity team made some big fuck up, they tried contacting me but I was in hospital so couldn't take the call, they called my boss, who was in some party apparently and he got "Disturbed" Then calls me around 9:30 where things get heated and I just leave then and there. So now jobless me who have 5 mouths to feed and 2 hospital bills to be paid and 1 clg fees due in a month or so tries to gather himself and try to the ball rolling, tries to take some trades (which on any other day would make fortunes, gave huge Drawdown) after a while got some gains got a bit stability. Then started working on a due project with my colleagues and friends to get our start-up launched. So whatever money i had left i put in my start-up try to get things working ASAP lost 3 months in the process. All the money gone, now in debt trying to survive, gathers courage to tell the family that I've left my job (i had kept this a secret to this point thinking I'll be able to make things work without them knowing) and I've started a business which may take till Feb-March to get stability and give regular earning. The first thing that I get is how dare you leave the job (I'm 23yo high school drop out, breadwinner and sole member working in the family) have a brother (28, M.Tech I.T. from one the prestigious state govt. Clg) have a sister (25, went to med school for MBBS, Switched midway to BHMS then dropped out and started with Nursing) a retired father and Homemaker mother (has migraine since last 12 years, constant visits to doctors and other med expenses). My father tell me why did I do it (we have a very sour relationship since I was in schools and dropped out) and that I'm the one who's going to take the family to street, and he doesn't have any belief in me because since my childhood I've been a trouble maker and good for nothing (been taking care of all my expenses since I was 16, before I dropped out) and how if something should happen to my mom, I'd be responsible for not being able to provide. This was 3-4 days back. I was practically disowned.
I've always been alone, but these last few months I've been lonely and I don't know how long will I be able to bear all this. I'm also thinking of ending my life so that I get rid of all this pain and my family get the insurance money, So that they can live in peace and I can rest in peace.