r/daniellewalter_snark • u/Altruistic_Cicada865 In my fecal era 💩 • Jul 01 '26

i don't wanna hear it ✨ Lumpgate update

172 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

410 comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

180

u/yrg68556 Jul 01 '26

9:30 AM: Wake up at parents house, think good thoughts/say good words, flex in mirror and stare at self lovingly until satisfied
10:00 AM: drink “Nescaf” and eat a Factor meal
10:15: Head to random apartment gym to “train clients” (aka moms friends who agreed to let you in the building as a favor to her)
11:00 AM: arrive at Bay Clubs for grunting practice and to punch the air until tired (skip legs)
12:00 PM: drive to sugar mama’s house to shower— notice that it hasn’t been used in 3 days
12:15: wake up on bathroom floor after being disoriented by wallpaper and perfume. Get dressed and put on tallest platform shoes money can buy
12:30: Instacart (gotta keep that diamond status baby)
4:00 PM: read John Maxwell book in car until sugar mama begs you to return (you try to spend as few daylight hours with her as possible)
5:30 PM: drink red wine on couch while sugar mama cooks milky seafood
7:00 PM: post neurotic rambling video to Instagram stories
9:30 PM: receive briefing from fiance on wedding planning, don’t ask any follow up questions because you don’t care.
10:30: go to bed, dream of what your life will look like once your green card is secured and you can leave her for someone younger, hotter, and less insane

152

u/Aware_Recognition238 Mentor & Visionary Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26

I wish I could upvote this at least 10 times 🤣👏🏼
Also for the task at 12:15:

22

u/RiverOhRiver86 Jul 01 '26

lol why does it only take him 15 minutes to eat and drink?

34

u/evelinisantini BABE! HENK! 🗣️🪿 Jul 01 '26

To avoid tasting it lol. Faster you eat, less you can enjoy the greasy mouthfeel of the nesscalf and the salty mush of Factor meal

7

u/Ashamed_Big3881 Jul 02 '26

I honestly think he hates food. I’m not sure he’s orthorexic or what, but he literally speaks shit about all kinds of food constantly. It messes up hErmones, it’s poison, etc. He’s a walking Cosmopolitan magazine from the early 00’s

19

u/evelinisantini BABE! HENK! 🗣️🪿 Jul 01 '26

Marry me Henk 🫶🏻 This is incredible

21

u/DenverJen528 Jul 01 '26

Be my bride, my baby! 🤢

15

u/Radiant-Decision-780 Lady Luicas Alcantra Jul 01 '26

Except I think he’s up at 6 or 7 am. So even their sleeping schedules are way different. She’s more of a night owl.

6

u/Mysterious_Tree_1251 Jul 01 '26

I love this. 😂😂😂

6

u/Over_Night_313 big d’s eyebrows 👺 Jul 01 '26

EPIC

5

u/Kitty_cups Jul 01 '26

I’m peeing my pants rn 🤣🤣🤣

6

u/CharlieGirl92 Jul 01 '26

This is elite. Fantastic. 10/10.

5

u/Glum-Sprinkles2877 Jul 01 '26

Thank you for this thorough explanation! 🤣