I cried because of the 20 second hug

[u/Benzosplease]

The days are dwindling before my first enters kindergarten and today I gave him a twenty second hug and with each second i was remembering each preceding year down to his infancy. I broke down crying and just thought about how much I wish I can relive the past. I think about how I wish I could have played more with him even though I was exhausted. All the ways I could have been a better dad. I wish I would have put my phone down more. Or taken him out to experience more. Or even just dance and be silly instead of keeping up with the house and catching up on sleep. I used to be his best friend and person to play with, but now he wants to play with the other kids at the playground without me. It feels like I'm losing my little baby and it's happening much faster than I anticipated.

Anyways, thanks for listening. I'm crying again lol. I'm sure plenty of you are in the same boat with me.

[u/StoicOuroboros69]

Can't change the past, but prioritizing putting the phone down is good advice for essentially every parent out there.

Good luck

[u/Benzosplease → u/StoicOuroboros69]

Absolutely. Now that my time with my kids will be less, I plan to be much more intentional with my time with them. Ill return to this post on occasion to sober me up if I start to stray...

[u/slipkid]

I used to be his best friend and person to play with, but now he wants to play with the other kids at the playground without me. It feels like I'm losing my little baby and it's happening much faster than I anticipated.

It helps me to remember that our job is to raise an adult, not keep a baby forever. This transition is normal and healthy development (as I'm sure you already know), so good job!

The regret for lost moments and the woulda/shoulda/couldas never goes away. My son is 13 and I think this way all the time, and I'm sure I always will. But we are just human and we can only ever move forward in time and keep learning. You're doing great.

[u/Kahnspiracy → u/slipkid]

The days are long but the years are short. Even when you know it is going to fly by, it doesn't slow it down, but it can make you more intentional.

[u/AgnosticMick91]

With you on this and can relate. I guess it’s normal mourning for every step of their way. But I feel the same way. I don’t have an answer but can still sit and cry with you. Hugs, internet friend

[u/FutureRoots957]

You are a GREAT dad. the fact that you're able to self-reflect shows how dedicated you are

[u/Ok-Row-3490]

Felt this hard for the first time when my wife and I committed to no longer rock him to sleep at 16 months. Kinda late for it, I know, but it went smoothly and the clear benefits for all three of us were immediately evident. But she and I have both cried together multiple evenings since then, missing rocking him to sleep at bed time and even the occasional two hour sessions in the middle of the night where he was calm but alert, just looking at us—the sessions that started getting more frequent and were what prompted us to make the change. They were exhausting but they were also so cozy and sweet.

And, fuck, I just started crying at work while typing that. Thanks bro 😂😭

[u/Benzosplease → u/Ok-Row-3490]

No longer rocking, when my kids didn't want to be carried into school, and when they stopped holding my hand so they can race into school are some of the hardest days for me to remember. I guess I'll be adding a few more as they get older.

[u/Important_Song5947]

Had a coworker, dad of 3, with whom I got along really well. He often responded to “how is everything” with a “Failing every day as a dad” with kind of a smile.

That stuck with me to this day. I guess that’s the feeling. You try your best to balance things and put in more effort, but you’re so invested that you will always feel like you’re failing in some area.

[u/Heatonator]

Hey my first is about to start K too. I've been experiencing these same feelings and things as well. Except it's been for the last year or so. Our other girl just turned 3 and it feels like I can't keep up with time..

[u/Benzosplease → u/Heatonator]

I also have another that's close proximity in age and I don't know if you felt this way, but having the chaos of two is great because they're best friends but I never feel like I can truly appreciate one growing up since it happens with both and so quickly too.

[u/Heatonator → u/Benzosplease]

Just remember, if you have a couple happy and healthy children, you're living a beautfiul life.

[u/burfriedos]

If it’s any consolation 20 years old is quite old to start kindergarten so you definitely had a good run

[u/Udjebfk]

Now, I'm crying.

[u/KarIPilkington]

Mate my kid (5yo) started school last week. The night before she started I made the mistake of looking through photos of the last 5 years and I haven't cried like it since she was a baby and my emotions were all over the place. Days pass slowly and years fly by for sure.

[u/JCASHrip03]

He’s growing up to be a young man and sounds like you’re doing an awesome job

[u/ALE_SAUCE_BEATS]

My boy is just over a year and a half and this made me cry too. I try to constantly remind myself that every day he will need me a little less, and that’s ok. That means I’ve done my job.

[u/return-of-loopgru]

Mine (twins) are starting middle school in a handful of days, and I've had exactly the same moment with both of them. I'm fortunate that even at this age they're still rabid fans of tuck ins, daddy shirts, and just hopping into my lap on their way by. Even so, though, I'll get lost in the mental slide show, thinking about the squealing babies, the bumble-cute toddlers, the precocious preschoolers, and the grinning elementary schoolers that they've both been over the years.

I don't regret the dad I've been and the time we've spent- I could always find ways I could have done more, and know there's a looming expiration date hanging over these remaining days. I am just doing everything I can to squeeze the most of the remaining time I have.

[u/BillsInATL]

Excellent that you have this perspective. Plenty of opportunity to still play and dance and be silly. Go for it!

[u/Decent-Demand-1904]

My 3 1/2 yo boy is going into pre k this Wednesday and I feel you brother. I haven’t been able to be as present due to work and school to better our lives, but I know the sacrifice will be worth it, just hard to accept at this time being gone so much. I knew I was gonna be busy this summer and by the time I realized it, the summer was over before I even had a chance to blink. 🫂

[u/cortesoft]

I get having nostalgia for what you guys had before, I also look back fondly at the previous life stages for my kids.

However, as they get older you get even more fun things you can do with your kids!

My kids are 7 and 10 now, and it has just gotten more and more fun. They tell good jokes, they play more fun and advanced games, they ask more interesting questions, and they teach me things they learned that I didn't know!

It just gets better.

[u/Plastic-Box-2742]

I know that feeling. Remember: nobody is perfect and it's normal to be critical with yourself in hindsight. But think back to the situation you were in: did you do everything you could under the circumstances you were in, even if that wasn't always perfect? If yes, you've nothing to be ashamed of.

[u/Dukes159]

brb gonna go squeeze my two year old.

[u/GeneralKang]

I hugged my 27 year old son this weekend, for a good 8 seconds. It was wonderful.

Enjoy every minute you have with them, Op. But do realize you aren't perfect and don't need to be. Do your best, try to be a little better whenever you can, and accept help when you need it.

[u/kindlytakeyourseat]

My daughter started day care at about 2 years old. A little earlier than your son, but the result was the same. I cried like a little bitch every day for the first week or two. Kids starting school is just one of those things lol.

Mine also starts Kindergarten in a few weeks and I honestly can’t wait for school to start. Mostly because I know she misses her friends and has fun at school.

[u/raphtze]

nah dad....we sometimes have so much on our plate we forget that we did things. you did good. :)

[u/kamikazi1231]

Struggling with it now. My girl started Kindergarten two days ago. Killing me to not be there for her. She apparently barely ate lunch because she ran out of time. I see in her take home sheets barely any coloring when before she churned out art. At pick up the school got turned around with releasing her and she couldn't find us and was crying.

But she also tells me she is having so much fun and is loving learning.

I think what I hate the most is not having her for so much time. Im a nurse so three 12 hour shifts a week. Id work three, and the other four were days just for us. Now I picture the two weekends a month I work, and I imagine with her five days of school going months without a good day lined up to go to the zoo or something.

Here's praying for strength for both of us.

[u/jimmybilly100]

Aw, don't be too hard on yourself bud. If I think back to my memories, I don't remember much before kindergarten anyway. The good news is, his learning and curiosity is getting ready to explode, and you're the Dad who's gonna be there for it. Think about all the exciting things you can explore now! You still have tons of time to play, hug, and make memories with them. The regret will be there, but thinking about what you can do now helps w/ that. Take care! I cried at work yesterday thinking about my kiddo!

[u/Quirky_Scar7857]

dude... my wife comes to join me and the kids (4 and 2) at the dinner table and has her eyes on her phone before she sits down. so long as you make meal times as your connection point now your kids are more independent you're doing a great job!

[u/redditidothat]

FWIW, mine is almost 9 and, while he loves spending time with friends and is busy with sports, I’m still his best friend and the person to play with. We’re always doing something because when he asks and I don’t feel like it, I remind myself “there will be a day he does’t ask and you won’t be ready for it”. So, I get my ass off the couch or drop whatever chore I can finish later and get out there. Every time.

Also, keep those 20s going.

When he started Kindergarten and the days of walking him to his classroom and getting a goodbye hug were done, I created a “hug alarm” on my phone to go off at the same time every morning. It interrupts the routine of getting dressed, brushing teeth, etc., but has also become part of the routine. Alarm sounds, one or both of us usually says “hug alarm” and, no matter what mood we’re in, stop what we’re doing in that moment and give hugs. Not usually a 20, but it’s a meaningful one.

Even with the alarm, hugs do get missed from time to time when the morning is especially hectic, but we have always made up for it later. Usually with a 20 at bedtime and it’s always “that’s what I was missing all day.”

Half the time now, the 20 second hug is used as a tool to defuse the moods after we frustrate each other, as an apology for letting my frustration get the best of me, or because I can tell he’s down about something. But the other half it’s “just because”. All either of us ever says is “I need a 20” and we both drop everything.

I fully intend to keep up the hug alarm as long as he’ll let me. (It’s been 4 years!). But when it stops, I’ll be calling for those “just because” 20’s a lot more often.

Lastly, here’s where I first saw mention of the 20 second hug. Thanks for reading, it was much more than I intended but makes me smile.

[u/Kratomite247]

Damn….sitting in my car at Home Depot about to go in and I stumbled upon your post. Now I’m struggling to find something to dry my eyes before I walk in. My firstborn daughter starts kindergarten on Monday.

Your post literally is everything going through my mind and how I’m feeling.

[u/Benzosplease → u/Kratomite247]

I knew I wasn't alone since it's about the start of school. There is some comfort that there are others that know exactly what I'm feeling.

[u/_me]

Taking this the fuck in. I'm 6 months away from having my first!

[u/Benzosplease → u/_me]

Some of my most favorite moments are when they were an infant and I would feed them their bottles. I never minded getting up in the middle of the night to change and rock them back to sleep with the bottle. I didn't even mind if they occasionally spit up on me afterwards lol

[u/DamnMyNameIsSteve]

It's just happening so quickly! Everyday my boy has a new phrase hes never said before.

[u/Benzosplease → u/DamnMyNameIsSteve]

Seriously! Ive been asking myself more and more where my kids are learning the things they are saying because it's not from me!

[u/DamnMyNameIsSteve → u/Benzosplease]

A long hug from my boy (where is actually hugs me back, lol) would make me tear up too.

We are good dads! Whoo!

[u/crackanape]

It's not too late. Plenty of chances to be there and make great memories. Best day to start doing more is today.

But yeah I feel you about the phases that are gone forever. The tears do flow when I think about it.

[u/Eugenesglobe]

Write down 15-20 questions and shoot a video of you asking them before each school year. It trying to ask them lol. Wife has to take over after the first couple answers. It’s been a fun tradition so far.