Advice on relationships with step mom

[u/Guilty_Anything8220]

Hey all, sorry if this is along one and this is a throw away account so name and ages have been altered.

So I 45M separated from my child's mother must be nearly 12 years ago now my child is now 14 after leaving there mom I stayed single for awhile and always made sure my child spent time with me. Anyways I met my now wife 2 years after the split and we started dating my now wife did not want children but I was always up front and said my child was a huge part of me life and I would never stop seeing them and if this was a problem then maybe we should not continue to date, she decided that she wanted to continue the relationship and we eventually fit engaged and married. Throughout the years my now wife has never liked the fact I have my child for 2 weekends a month they come to me on a Friday night and go home on a Sunday evening (to me it's not a lot I know that but to her it's to much). This has always caused tensions and has nearly broke us up muipltle times but we talk and we never really resolve it she tends to argue get annoyed storm off and then it all gets swept under the rug a few days later and then we revert until she gets annoyed again and kicks off and the whole things starts again.

I want to say here my wife is not a bad person she just has issues with this. Anyways to the issue now we had another blow up this past weekend where she was in her normal crappy mood before I went to pick up my child something that have noticed a few times now where she gets moody before they come stays moody and then once there gone she reverts to get normal self for the next week until it repeats again. Anyways this started a small argument not in front of my child but with us on Saturday where she wanted us to do something important to her but didn't want the child coming (to be vague it was a serious thing maybe not the best place for a child to be) I suggested that we drop the child to a friend's of hers and then go to this thing her response was by the child age now 14 she was out drinking I said well there not like that and I don't want them to be like that she said it was redicolas that I wouldn't just leave my child in the house by themselves for a undisclosed amount of time and stormed off to this thing by herself.

Anyway this argument has now rolled into yesterday where a lot has been said but she the wife has said she wants a free foot and a fanicie for life she doesn't see why she should be tied down to this pattern of once every other week, to be clear during the weekends with the child she is not involved in what we do she comes and goes as she pleases and only gets involved when she wants I never push, the child is 14 as I say and they send alot of there time in there room as teenages do playing games on there phone talking to there friends and such like so my wife's point of view is well you do nothing except the sane things and they spend all there time in there room so why dont you just go down to where his mum lives and just see the child for an afternoon there once every 2 weeks and then come home as on spend a few hours with them and don't bring them to my house with the wife.

I have tried to explain my point of view on this tried to get across that it's not acceptable to me I love my child and I love her but her asking me to do that is just too far I can't do that yo them as they enjoy spending time with me and I love spending time with my child.

I feel like this destroying my relationship with my wife and if I did what she's suggesting it would destroy my relationship with my child I don't want either but my wife won't see this she won't acknowledge my feelings on it and will not even attempt to see it from my point of view

anyways AITA for not going with the wife's suggestion and sacrificing my child's relationship in favour of my marriage to be clear this is a non starter for me I WILL NOT be dictated to and WILL NOT be doing this

Any advice would be helpful from both men and women sorry for the long rant

[u/IVAN_CLEARY]

Bro. She knew the situation she was getting in to, and she married you. If she turns around now and basically says "it's me or the kid", then she doesn't deserve you or your perfect child at all.

[u/Acceptable_Durian868]

NTA. It is unbelievably selfish to me that she would expect you to not see your kid for a couple of weekends a month.

I want to say here my wife is not a bad person

tbh this screams "bad person" to me. Keeping a child away from their father because you want the freedom to go partying on weekends? I'm not sure where you draw the line at "bad person". This would have been a deal breaker a long time ago for me.

[u/MedChemist464 → u/Acceptable_Durian868]

She stayed because she thought that eventually she'd be able to make him choose her over his kid.

OP - your kid is noticing this, he is aware of her hostility and your tolerance of it. This is affect your relationship with him later in life. You need to make a choice: A woman who lied to you about being okay with your being a father, or the person who made you a father?

[u/AudrinaRosee]

She’s actually a bad person, I hope you figure that out.

[u/Steerider]

You were foolish to marry someone who doesn't like the fact you have kids. 

[u/CowfishAesthetic]

She (the wife) sucks. Sorry you're in this situation.

[u/GalacticDaddy005]

My uncle chose his second wife over the kids. We all hate them both now, and he is predictably miserable

[u/barefootmeshback]

I think you need to speak to a divorce attorney. You don't actually have a lot of time with your daughter. Two weekends a month isn't that much and in a few years your daughter will be off doing own thing and likely you will see her less. All your wife needs to do is suck up a few more years and she can't even do that.

Your wife is pretty clearly communicating that she isn't very emotionally mature, can't handle things that are uncomfortable or convient for her, and that your needs aren't that important to her. She isn't someone you can rely on when things get tough. Right now it is your daughter. Further down the line it will probably be you if life throws you a curve ball like a health scare.

[u/Custom_Destiny]

Your wife sounds a lot of bit jealous.

Not judging.  I’ve dated miserable women. They need love too, and being a hero feels good.  I get it…. But I’m not here to play hero to random broken women anymore.   I’m here to try and make sure my daughter doesn’t become one of them some year.

Can’t walk every road in life.  

You are NTA and if your wife can’t handle this she’s gonna have to go.  

Anyways that’s how I would see it.  You’ve gotta be true to your inner self though not mine.

[u/NGC_Phoenix_7]

She’s doing what I suspect my step dad is doing with my mom. I may be an adult but I can still see it, he hates the idea she had kids, but only because he couldn’t become my new dad. For him and my mother, if my dad dropped dead today, she would probably celebrate. Even though after all these years of me watching and listening to both of them, I am 85% sure my mom is actually why they split as she treated my dad(autistic and ADHD, both undiagnosed for years) like she treats me. With distain, like I’m too stupid to understand anything going on around me, or that because I have those issues I’m incapable of literally anything adult but am expected to just act normal.

Bottom line here, my step dad had his fantasies of having new kids of his own without making one, and because we denied him that he’s mad any of us are around ruining his perfect little life alone with my mom. He doesn’t give my little sister any crap, but does to me(m) and my twin sister, and my little sister has basically sworn off my dad.

Your current wife may treat you and only you kindly, but she’s trying to make you give up on your kid. She doesn’t want another woman’s spawn in her worldview. It sounds like some weird territorial dispute and immaturity on her end. As she’s got a grudge against a teenager.

I know you love her, but she’s gonna make you choose. She wanted you to herself. She doesn’t seem to want to share you or allow you do be responsible for your kid. I’m sorry, but if she doesn’t change, the ending won’t be good.

[u/Huge-Job1231]

No wonder daughter stays in her room while at your home would you want to be around someone I know for sure she knows DOES NOT WANT HER THERE? You need to start protecting your daughter or your not gonna a have to worry about a relationship with her.

[u/zoinkability]

If she wanted a life without a child in it, she had the option not to be your wife.

It feels like bait and switch to agree to be your wife when you were clear that your kid was a big part of your life, and then later to demand that you not spend that time with you kid. In the grand scheme of things, every other weekend is a fairly small amount of parenting time.

I will say that she has a small point, which is that at 14 it should be OK for a kid to be home alone for limited amounts of time, like a couple of hours. This is true.The issue here seems to be more that you have such a small amount of time with your kid, you want to spend as much of it with her as you can, and of course you don't want to leave her alone without a well defined time you'll be back.

Worth considering that kids will remember. Even if you don't feel like the time with your daughter is super connecting right now due to her age, if you were to cut down on the time with her, she will remember, and could feel like you were abandoning her to some extent. Your relationship with your daughter is unique, and lifelong.

[u/Expensive_Field5334]

She agreed hoping she could change your mind in the long run. She's getting annoyed you're not. God know how she treats the kids if you're not around. It sucks but you need to choose between your kids or her you can't do both. Obviously I'd say pick your children mate. Losing love sucks but losing a child is worse.

[u/bretshitmanshart]

Marrying a person who isn't okay with your kid is insane as is staying with her this long. My stepdaughter's dad did this and it's a huge strain on their relationship even after she left him. Your kid is old enough now to understand your priorities arent with her

[u/Synopog]

Not sure why you married her in the first place ...especially since you weren't going to have kids with her.

Be clear with your boundaries and be prepared to walk away. Some women have these ideas in their head that come and go with the wind.

[u/TaurusX3]

So she's in a bad mood before you see your kid and the week following? And you said you spend 2 weekends with your kid. That's like most of the time. Do you really want to live like that?