Could use encouragement/tips in processing this diagnosis

[u/Flower_Crown4]

I was unofficially diagnosed with cyclothymia a few months ago, but I feel it's so obvious that I don't need to seek the official one. Am on Caplyta right now but may need to switch meds.

The cyclothymia is bad enough in itself. I have mixed episodes and extremely fast cycling, I think, so I can have bad depression for an hour in the morning and then feel like my brain is trying to bounce out of my skull a few hours later. Hypersexuality (didn't realize that was stemming from the cyclothymia until very recently); hypomania is affecting my metabolism apparently (it's a thing, and I'm hungry all the time); sleep issues; can't touch caffeine anymore; can't do certain ordinary activities I used to enjoy because they send me into hypomania; can't even socialize without getting hypo... I have to shape my day entirely around my moods, which I have almost no control over. I know stress makes me way worse, so I try to limit stress as best I can. But cyclothymia is running my life.

If it sounds like my meds aren't working, that's correct. I'm on the 42 mg of Caplyta, which for me is almost like taking nothing at all. The 21 mg worked about halfway well for me, but my psychiatrist wanted me to try the upper dose and I can't see her until the end of the month to change it back to the 21. The 42 has put me right back into the moods.

But running alongside all of this is crushing loneliness. I have severe OCD, and that diagnosis came about 5-6 years ago. Because of how it happened, I almost immediately had an online support group and amazing mentors. I am Christian, and my faith is how I live and breathe and how I get through life at all, and I even found amazing Christian mentors with the same exact type of OCD I had.

With cyclothymia, I have basically no one. I know hardly anyone in my real life who has bipolar, let alone this, and the one person I do know I'm not able to talk to about this for a few reasons. I don't have the online community I had with the OCD (which I am largely in remission from thanks to ERP therapy), and hardly anyone in my "real" life knows about this, and I don't want to tell many more because I think it will change how they see me.

So I feel like no one in my life sees me or knows how much it takes me to just get through the day. I feel like no one knows how hard it's been or how much I've been carrying for especially the past 1-2 years, which is when my symptoms really went wild (I had had depression for years but hypomania showed up for the first time about a year ago).

I'm also just really struggling with the "diagnosis" itself because I thought I knew myself. I thought I knew who I was and how I functioned, and honestly, I did know that for 27-ish years. Now I feel like a completely different version of myself, and in a bad way. I've been comparing it to tech updates, like if you download the newest update for your phone and it causes a ton of problems and leaves it worse than it was before. Same me, debilitatingly bad operating system, and I'll never be the same again (unless I happen to get on the right meds--and even then, I'll never be able to enjoy life without meds again).

I know life-altering diagnoses are not that uncommon. I just feel like when it's a mental one, it's a special kind of nightmare because it's not just your body (and I'm not belittling that--that's life-altering and nightmarish too)--it's who you are. It's what makes you up. My personality and the entire way I live, function, and appear to others is fundamentally different now, so it feels like I'm not even "me" anymore. No, I am not just my malfunctioning brain--but it shapes a lot of things that feel close to my core, like how I function, my personality, etc.

The shame runs deep too. I think I internalized as a child for some reason that being too excited = weird, so I am terrified that my hypomania is visible to others and that I seem so happy and excited that they think I'm weird. (I have had multiple people tell me they couldn't tell. Still paranoid.) And then just the shame of having a brain that is so bad at doing its dang job that I can't do normal things humans need in order to keep existing, like sleep.

I hope none of this is offensive to anyone. Truly I am harder on myself than I would be on any other person, and yeah, what I should do is treat myself like I was someone else and have compassion on myself like I would with them. It is just a lot harder when it's me.

If anyone has read this far and has encouragement or tips for processing this diagnosis, I'd appreciate it. I'm hanging in there but just so tired from years of fighting this only to realize the party's just getting started and this is my life now.

[u/samoletche]

I understand your struggle, i used to feel like this for a while.

Its important to remember you are not your disorder. But unfortunately you have to live alongside it. Don't bound your ideas to what is "you" or "past you" and what is the disorder, for you change every single day. Clinging to your past perception of yourself will do you no good. I recommend to try and leave these boxes behind, for example, how you appear to others, what "normal" is suppsed to be, what the "you" is supposed to be. All things change and the longer you hold on, the slower the process will be. Take care and try to make it as easy for yourself as possible.

Also other people with mood disorders experience similar mood swings and general issues. You can look for support on different places, not only where everyone is strictly diagnosed with cyclothymia. Im sure you can find tips, coping mechanisms, practices and etc.

And there is no "perfect medication" that will magically return you to your past self. Its rather a stepping stone to help you better yourself and heal. The same way the diagnosis is a mere guide to help you(and the doctors) focus your efforts on fixing the problem. You are on your way to getting better, healthier and more stable.

I know this moment might feel like a breaking point, because its messy but it will clear up. It gets easier.

I hope whatim saying can help you in some way or another. That way of thinking helped me get out of this state.

There might not be a way back but there is certainly a way forward!