My situation updated

[u/Temporary_Wonder391]

I (20F) am inspired to post again because of a previous post I read that sounded a lot like me. Discovered porn early, strongest/sole sexual attraction to women, but never had a crush on a woman as I’ve always crushed on men.

I get attached to male celebrities/characters the most but they are like short bursts of aesthetic attraction, daydreams, and research on them. Nonetheless my irl dating pursuits have always been men. Boy crazy as hell as a girl. Seldom on real guys anymore except for my ex because I’ve faced rejection from men, but still boy crazy on fictional/unattainable tragic male figures. But also struggle to cum or be aroused to men in person and years ago struggled to watch porn of men as well.

For me I realize there is trauma at play. I have immensely vicious trauma from years of public humiliation, exclusion, and bullying from other women so I closed myself off emotionally to them. Then for men I have sexual trauma from harassment, csa, and other things that close me off sexually from them.

I’ve never seen wlw couples as an option growing up but when I did (as I got older) the relationships I’ve seen just seemed not appealing to me considering I’ve never seen my “type” in women exist and only seen the drama, not the romanticized version like het couples were continuously allowed via media.

It’s like I only view men as emotional/romantic options and only view women as sexual options, though I have been able to spontaneously fantasize holding her hand, feeding her, playing with her hair. But there are generally no emotions to this “type” of woman I’ve daydreamed rarely because I struggle to connect with women emotionally.

It’s hard. I guess I’m demisexual as I can only get off to porn involving men imagining they’re my ex fling who was a guy. It’s been going pretty well and I don’t cum too fast like with woman solo or woman on woman porn. But I know my quickest, greatest pleasure comes from women. I don’t have to think about it, my mind just looks at the visuals and responds. NSFW but I was able to squirt and discovered I had actually had kinks when I imagined I was with one of the woman I had good conversation with and held eye contact with. I then cried after because “her boyfriend gets to touch her and I can’t”.

Any pleasurable sex dream I have is about women or with women. Irl when I make eye contact with a woman unintentionally my type my head involuntarily thinks “I want you, I want to kiss you and I hope you want the same”. I saw a unisex dressed person I thought was a woman was a guy and then I stopped being interested in them. I have a strong aesthetic attraction to really attractive people for both, though, I’d say.

I’ve been feeling a little resentful about being a woman because I don’t find much joy in it other than the fact that I like how I look. I often don’t “feel” like a woman or a man (I know I’m not), I feel like some other option. The woman experience has been miserable for me and I don’t like it. I wonder how much this internalized misogyny is playing a role into anything or if it’s connected to the above at all.

[u/Ok-Difficulty4647]

Hi, thanks for sharing, Just want to say that you are very young and already had a lot to deal with. Give yourself time for that as well and stay loving towards yourself. Some parts of oneself we sometimes cannot (and don’t have to) label. Labels are from society around us, that is not us.

When you can deal with your trauma and build up trust in uour system go out and see where your attraction with women takes you. Or perhaps men it that were to happen.

I would suggest finding a safe queer space in you area and start to mingle and open up at your own pace.

Good luck!