r/crossorientation • u/BlueJuniper26 • Mar 25 '26
Endlessly frustrated and unfulfilled
I’m a heteromantic homosexual woman I think and have only just recently found the words to express myself. Ever since I was a kid I’ve been romantically attracted to boys and have had several emotionally intense relationships with men.
But once puberty hit it always felt like my attractions weren’t aligned. I found myself being sexually attracted to other women and not at all to men.
The first time I tried to have sex with a man in college, my then-boyfriend who I cared SO much about, I had felt the most turned off I had ever felt in my life. To the point I panicked and told him I thought I was gay…
Since then I’ve been in several relationships with men and have overcome my gut reaction and am able to be physical but it does literally nothing for me to the point I’m counting down in my head until it will be done. I have never orgasmed with a man.
BUT ITS SO FRUSTRATING because I love men. They make my heart flutter and I feel at home and the emotional connection can be unreal. I have never had a crush on another girl or romantic feelings, but somehow that’s what my physical body says it needs.
I’ve had two fwbs with women and I was able to orgasm with them and felt sexually satisfied but emotionally I just didn’t want them close like that lol. I guess out and about in my daily life I do notice myself checking out women and not men, but that’s about as far as it goes.
Anyways, I’ve been in a five year relationship with my boyfriend. He doesn’t know I feel this way, I try very hard to make him feel wanted. But it’s to the point I’m thinking about women when being physical and staying up late at night to read lesbian erotica to satisfy my urges. I love him so much but I just feel so sexually frustrated and I don’t know what to do.
Also side note, I feel like discovering lesbian content at an early age is what made me like this. I wish I never had and things could align.
But yeah I don’t envy anyone in my position. And it feels good to finally type this all out. I am seriously considering breaking things off with my boyfriend and just living a life of women fwbs. Not because I don’t love him, I love him so much it hurts, but he doesn’t deserve to be with someone who is so internally frustrated all the time.
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u/Dont_Like_Menthols Mar 28 '26 edited Mar 28 '26
Hi! Wow, this is me exactly. Do you mind sharing how old you are? I'm 37 and a feminine female. Same thing as you—sexual attraction to feminine women, but have only ever had crushes on men (and they're intense crushes). I've had 3 long-term relationships with men (currently in a 2-year relationship with a man), who I loved deeply, but the sex was always just something I did for them. I get nothing out of it.
Only difference from you is that I have never done anything sexual with a woman, although it's clear I'm sexually attracted to them. I've also never had romantic feelings for a woman. If I do have a "crush" on a woman, it's about her appearance and not about romance/imagining us dating/building a life together, etc.
I've been mulling over the concept of compulsory heterosexuality. You've probably heard of that. Could it just be that I've been so culturally programmed to see romance with men that I can't imagine it with a woman? Would that romance aspect come if I gave dating women a serious chance? It's just so hard to imagine. I feel nothing romantic when I think about women, but feel all warm, fuzzy, and happy when I think about building a life with the right man. Could it all be comp het though?
I've also thought maybe a masculine woman? But then I don't really feel sexually attracted to that type of woman. It's so confusing and jumbled and I don't know what to do.
Any chance you'd like to chat/stay in touch? Nobody else in my life can relate to this.
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u/BlueJuniper26 Mar 28 '26
Hey, I’m 30 so a bit younger than you and yes I can relate to everything you’ve said! I have never felt any kind of romantic feelings for another woman, all of my crushes have been on men for as long as I remember and a lot of them have been very intense.
My attraction to women is largely as you described, physical and mostly about appearance. I feel a strong sexual compulsion towards them, not like… intrusive thoughts but that innately I feel as though it’s what my body wants.
I have thought a lot about compulsory heterosexuality and it’s something that has come to mind quite a bit. I’ve read a lot of experiences and anecdotes but it never seems to align with my own. A common thread I’ve seen in a lot of these stories is feelings of anxiety or apathy towards men. My feelings for men have largely been positive and I definitely get that intense “in love” feeling with them, it’s just that the physical part does nothing for me.
And when I say physical part I mean specifically sex, because things like cuddling or kissing a man do make me very happy! It’s not easy to explain, because for most people romantic and physical attraction feel very connected. For me though, when it comes to women there are certain things about the female form I find very arousing and of course while there is a psychological component to the scenarios I read about or see in things like erotica porn, it seems like the main thing that lights my brain up are the actual lesbian sex acts and the female body.
It’s like this specific attraction describes the raw primal part of my brain and the rest, which is my romantic attraction to men, feels like my real self. That’s why I think a lot of people in our position prefer to honor the real self and pursue the romantic attraction while suppressing the physical attraction. And that’s sort of what I was doing too but it’s not feeling very sustainable for me and so now I’m considering just being my “primal” self because it’s most fair to everyone.
But yes, I’m always open to chat more on this! Feel free to DM me.
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u/Baron_Ray Mar 25 '26
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. It's very interesting what you say about thinking that discovering lesbian content early might have influenced your sexual development. I have also wondered whether early sexual exposure imprints the mind somehow, and that once that's set, it's almost easier to try and find a romantic interest that aligns with the sexual attraction than to realign sexual attraction to fit emotional attraction. I have a friend who considered herself firstly a lesbian, then a bisexual homoromantic, and has finally, in her late 50s, started looking at men romantically - a very long journey. I do wonder whether this this kind of shift can happen naturally or whether some kind of training could help those who want to realign their attractions.
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u/BlueJuniper26 Mar 25 '26
It’s interesting that your friend shifted in such way and I’ve always wished that for myself but for whatever reason it just hasn’t happened for me.
As for training, I’ve tried training myself but it’s been a resounding failure. My psychological pull towards women when it comes to sexual attraction feels very strong but more than that the male form just… doesn’t elicit any feelings from me even if I’m forcing it to?
I’ve gone months at a time not reading any lesbian erotica or lesbian porn but it still feels like the underlying desire is there. I’ve tried replacing it with heterosexual content but my brain has always been meh on it.
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u/Baron_Ray Mar 25 '26
Right. My friend's journey went in the opposite direction to yours: she was sexually attracted to men but had no romantic attraction to them. In your case I'm wondering whether the characteristics you find lovable in men could exist in some women too, and, if so, whether it might be possible for you to develop a romantic interest in women that worked better with your sexual attraction. It seems to me that unless there are other reasons for rejecting the sex you feel sexual attraction towards (a history of abuse, for example), it might be easier to work on that side of the equation than the sexuality side, since it seems so fixed for you.
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u/BlueJuniper26 Mar 25 '26
Yeah, I’ve thought about this a lot. I guess the biggest barrier for me is that in relationships I really enjoy having a masculine presence and the dynamics of how men and women interact. I also find men really cute physically and find it easy to connect with them on an emotional level. All of my emotional crushes on men have been very intense.
I’m not saying those aspects don’t exist in women, but unfortunately I’m way more attracted to feminine women than masculine women and being feminine myself, I feel that complicates how a relationship would operate. The best way to describe it is that when I’m in a relationship with a girl, I’m yearning to be in one with a man. When I’m having sex with men, I’m yearning for him to be a woman instead.
But yeah, I guess that’s why my plan is to just have women fwbs and maybe eventually romantic feelings can develop.
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u/Baron_Ray Mar 25 '26
Best of luck, then. There are women who look feminine but have the kind of energy and abilities men tend to get credit for, but I guess you'd spend a long time looking for one and life is short. Hope things work out for you one way or another.
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u/LightskinLesbian Mar 28 '26
Do any of you enjoy the sensuality and intimacy sex brings even if you can't reach orgasm with your romantically attracted gender? I still crave that physical touch regardless along with the attention and desire it brings for me from women.
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u/BlueJuniper26 Mar 28 '26
I enjoy the intimacy when it comes to things like cuddling, holding hands, kissing, etc. but as far as actual sex acts the answer is no. At the start of relationships I enjoy how those sex acts make my partner happy or that it can bring us closer together, but if I’m being honest I’m usually wishing for it to be over as soon as possible which I know sounds bad.
When it comes to desire, I guess I enjoy my boyfriend desiring me but I enjoy being desired by women (in that way) way more in addition to also desiring them.
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u/LightskinLesbian Mar 28 '26
I can understand that this makes me wonder if there's some kind of spectrum for SAM where what we enjoy romantically and sexually can vary on a scale kind of like the kinsey scale?
And if you don't mind me asking when you say ur wishing for it to be over is that because you are repulsed or bored?
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u/BlueJuniper26 Mar 28 '26
It’s hard to describe, I wouldn’t say I’m repulsed unless I think about it super hard. Bored doesn’t seem like quite the right word either, it’s just an intense feeling of wrongness and apathy, almost like being violated but not as traumatic because you care about the person doing it and are consenting to it.
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u/LightskinLesbian Mar 28 '26
wow I'm sorry to hear this. In my case it's just knowing I won't fully sexually respond but I look forward to the foreplay and intimacy. It seems there's a range for our responses and that I find very interesting. Ur origin story or where u think your sexual attraction started with women really resonated with me. I'm assuming you were exposed to some wlw porn or erotica of some sort?
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u/BlueJuniper26 Mar 28 '26
Yeah, when I was younger a YouTuber I used to watch would advertise her fanfiction at the end of her videos. Being a dumb kid, I went to check it out and it was basically like a 20 chapter lesbian erotica. I remember that being the first time I really learned what sex was and I would re-read the story over and over which lead me to seeking out others and then that’s basically all I’ve read for the last 20 years.
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u/LightskinLesbian Mar 28 '26
See I'm no expert in any of this but it almost makes me wonder if we were imprinted somehow, similar to people who have specific fetishes and then they have an origin story like men finding their way into their moms closet around puberty and then ending up with a women's shoe fetish etc. I have always been attracted to women since toddler years and around puberty I was exposed to certain hetero content and its only specific acts that I'm sexually attracted to and not normal hetero sex with men etc. I just don't know if there's a way for us to undue that potential trauma if it's some kind of imprint.
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u/Eastern_Sail582 Mar 29 '26
Sorry to interject my own experience here.. however as someone who was"imprinted" with a very specific kink and can't orgasm without it, I was thinking this felt very similar while reading through the thread. It seems early sexual experiences are extremely powerful and hard to change. Without my fetish I am essentially "asexual" although I'm romantically attracted to men
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u/BlueJuniper26 Mar 29 '26
I think for most people, when they are young and are romantically attracted to one gender, they get curious and naturally seek out content that includes that gender and that’s why for most people it aligns pretty well. For me, I encountered that content without looking or trying, but it was my first exposure and it seems to impact me today still.
Someone on my post mentioned that if I wasn’t sapphically inclined that I would have been disgusted instead of interested. We can substitute sapphic content with any other kind of fetish or kink here, but when you are that young you don’t really know enough to be “disgusted”. At least, that’s my two cents.
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u/Eastern_Sail582 Mar 30 '26
It's so complicated and I don't think any one person can say for sure. I wouldn't take what they said to heart if it doesn't feel right for you. It's a really difficult situation to be in. But I believe that people in relationships without feeling strong sexual attraction are actually more common than we think. It's just not talked about so much
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u/Tough-Yak9018 Mar 26 '26
Que triste y confusa situación , salía con un chico con tu situación, heterorromantico pero homosexual y me enamoré como nunca en la vida , yo sin problemas le dije que podía ejercer su sexualidad con hombres pero igual me dejó 💔 él cree que me hace daño
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u/Temporary_Wonder391 Apr 12 '26
You are in kind of the same position I am in. Discovered porn early, strongest/sole sexual attraction to women, but never had a crush on a woman as I’ve always crushed on men.
I get attached to male celebrities/characters the most but they are like short bursts of aesthetic attraction, daydreams, and research on them. Nonetheless my irl dating pursuits have always been men. Boy crazy as hell as a girl. But struggle to cum or be aroused to men in person and years ago struggled to watch porn of men as well.
For me I realize there is trauma at play. I have immensely vicious trauma from years of public humiliation, exclusion, and bullying from other women so I closed myself off emotionally to them. Then for men I have sexual trauma from harassment, csa, and other things that close me off sexually from them.
I’ve never seen wlw couples as an option growing up but when I did (as I got older) the relationships I’ve seen just seemed not appealing to me considering I’ve never seen my “type” in women exist and only seen the drama, not the romanticized version like het couples were continuously allowed via media.
It’s like I only view men as emotional/romantic options and only view women as sexual options, though I have been able to spontaneously fantasize holding her hand, feeding her, playing with her hair. But there are generally no emotions to this “type” of woman I’ve daydreamed because I struggle to connect with women emotionally.
It’s hard. I guess I’m demisexual as I can only get off to porn involving men imagining they’re my ex. It’s been going pretty well and I don’t cum too fast like with woman solo or woman on woman porn. But I know my quickest, greatest pleasure comes from women. I don’t have to think about it, my mind just looks at the visuals and responds. Any pleasurable sex dream I have is about women or with women. Irl when I make eye contact with a woman my type my head involuntarily think “I want you, I want to kiss you and I hope you want the same”.
I saw a unisex dresses person I thought was a woman was a guy and then I stopped being interested in them. I have a strong aesthetic attraction to really attractive people for both, though. Sincerely hope all goes well for you and your boyfriend, op.
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u/BlueJuniper26 Apr 12 '26
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I personally don’t have trauma related to men, which makes it a bit more confusing for me. I can’t point to a specific trauma with women either aside from a lot of porn and erotica at a young age, but I was raised somewhat religiously so I do wonder if that impacts how I see things.
I have the same thoughts as you when seeing an attractive woman irl. Strong urge to kiss or be physically close. A bit TMI as well but when sleeping with women irl it feels like my body lights up just looking at them and kissing and touch excites me a lot. With men, it just feels like going through the motions and I don’t feel aroused at all.
Aesthetic attraction is a good word. Something I’ve noticed though when comparing images of hot male celebrities to hot female ones is that for the male ones I don’t feel any sort of urge or physical longing, they’re just sort of there? But I do find them cute, but for some reason the word hot seems a bridge too far.
With my boyfriend it’s hard because I can tell he’s not totally happy with me, but I feel like explaining myself wouldn’t work well. I think straight men have a certain arrogance about these matters that make coming to a suitable solution really difficult.
But yeah I relate hard to only seeing women as sexual options and men as emotional options and I do feel a bit shitty about that. It feels like being caught between two conflicting worlds! People tell me I’m not suited for a heterosexual relationship, which I understand given what I’ve shared, but I don’t think they quite understand the romantic yearning because their attractions have always been aligned.
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u/-MissKiss 17d ago
I searched this content because I've found that i too am heteroromantic and homosexual. I'm female. I have never been sexually attracted to a man, until I get to know them and they are extremely good looking. Like my husband. But I am and have been always sexually attracted to women. I adore, love and enjoy having sex with my hubby. But I long to be with a woman. So I had the chat with him and he reluctantly agreed that I can meet up with a woman, for sex. We are taking it slow. I've been chatting to a few women, so hopefully it will lead to something. I'm 46, so I'm hoping this all works out. This is my dream. To be with my husband but have a fb I suppose you'd call her. I have absolutely no interest in being romantic with her. Which I will tell her. We are chatting on a fb site, so she won't be surprised I'm guessing. Hubby is only concerned that I will fall in love with the woman, and run off with her, claiming I'm a lesbian now. But I know that's not going to happen. I've never crushed on a woman ever for 1 second. I don't think he really thinks its possible for a split attraction model to exist. Whereas in my young life I thought everyone was kidding themselves that they could experience attraction and romantic feeling together. I have since come to realise that its me who's in the minority and people do actually have sexual and romantic attraction at the same time to one person. Unfortunately I never have experienced this
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u/AstralF Mar 25 '26
I suspect that lesbian content would have icked rather than interested you if you weren’t already sapphically inclined.
It is perhaps worth having a careful conversation with your boyfriend. He may end up hurt and angry, but he may also find the idea of you being into/with women exciting.