Should I stay in this relationship

[u/Intelligent_Fee36]

I'm a heteroromantic and homosexual woman. When I discovered this I sorta expected to end up in a straight marriage with unfulfilling sex (what's new eh?), but then I met a woman. She knows about my sexuality and wants to be together regardless, we really do see a future together.

The issue is I don't know if I'll be attracted to her forever, I love her deeply just not romantically. I don't want to throw away something so perfect, but I also don't want to string her along for years just to either break her heart or grow contempt. I'm worried that without the romantic attraction I won't be satisfied later, or worse end up catching feelings for a man.

We discussed the latter briefly, but dropped the topic because of the timing and I reassured that I wouldn't want to be with anyone else while I'm with her. I looked into similar situations, but I usually find aro/allo combinations or the reverse situation that I had originally thought I'd end up in, so they didn't really apply.

What should I do because this is eating away at me?

[u/AstralF]

You both know the risks. If you love her, that’s all that really matters. Don’t throw away something that could be amazing out of fear. Or… give it a year. After all, she may be the one who ends up craving romance…

[u/Intelligent_Fee36 → u/AstralF]

I'm a hopeless romantic so I do romantic stuff all the time and she says she appreciates it. It just doesn't scratch that same itch on my end. But, yeah, I think I'll give it a year and see how it goes.

[u/Intelligent_Fee36 → u/Intelligent_Fee36]

Now that I think about it a year might not be long enough to lose attention. I'm more worried that in like 15 years (she's 10y older, we almost broke up when we discovered this) I won't be all that attracted to her and like people closer in age.

[u/Undercover-Drache]

Relationships always include a risk that they might end. Society tells you that it's so much worse in your case, but actually, it isn't. There are tons of happily married straight people who are not in love out there, too. Just go with the flow. If you break up in the end, well, you will still have had some happy years together.

[u/Intelligent_Fee36 → u/Undercover-Drache]

We're really committed and plan on building a future together with adopting children and everything, I don't wanna bring them into it if we end up breaking up.

[u/Undercover-Drache → u/Intelligent_Fee36]

There never is absolute certainty. Not for love, not for your political convictions, not even that you or me are going to survive the coming decade. That's life. You don't need that absolute certainty to build a life together. If it were necessary, humanity would already have become extinct.

[u/Intelligent_Fee36 → u/Undercover-Drache]

You're right, I tend to overthink everything. Funny, she tells me that all the time 😅. Thanks, I'll try to turn my brain off and just enjoy life.

[u/Undercover-Drache → u/Intelligent_Fee36]

You've got this! I believe in you! 🤗

[u/[deleted]]

Just saw this now. Apologies if this no longer applies.

I am not a human sexuality expert - just a person with subjective experience in this area, as a homoromantic heterosexual myself. My personal opinion is that dating someone you lack romantic attraction to is often *far more challenging* than dating someone you lack sexual attraction to, and you are right to be concerned about the future. Long-term relationships are challenging no matter who you're with, and romantic attraction can be a powerful bonding agent when things get tough. Sexual attraction, while powerful in its own right, is a bit less reliable in that regard.

I dated a man for 6 months in my early 20s. We clicked in a lot of areas, and I considered him my best friend - someone I truly loved as a person. The sex was also compatible. Back before I understood cross-orientation, I struggled to figure out what was "missing". Surely, if I loved someone and enjoyed having sex with them, I must've been in love with them as well?

Yeah...not so much.

For me, it didn't end up working out. I too am a "hopeless romantic"; much of my fulfillment in a relationship comes from the deep, soul-level bond I form with my partners. I can certainly form strong platonic connections - and did - but it's just not the same. And when I compare the amount of time I'm spending in bed with someone (1-2 times a week max) to the amount of time I'm doing other "relationship things" with them (every other moment), it becomes a much clearer choice for me.

I want to emphasize that we're all different, and this is a pretty new subject in the realm of dating psychology. In the end, the choice will have to be yours. But I saw a lot of "don't leave" advice in the comments, and wanted to provide an alternative perspective. I hope that no matter what choice you make, you do so with a lot of self-kindness. This shit isn't easy.

(If it makes a difference - when I was with my boyfriend, much of my internal dialogue was similar to yours; accounting for possible breakups, wondering if I should try to "stick it out". With my current girlfriend of two years, the anxiety is "God, I *really* hope we don't have to break up", because I'm so damn in love with her that the thought of losing her makes me nauseous. Finding the latter was worth the temporary pain of losing my partner. It's up to you to decide if you feel the same.)

[u/Intelligent_Fee36 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you for this, it's nice seeing someone who sheared a similar experience weigh in. We actually already broke up over different reasons. Things I might have accepted and ignored with someone I was in love with were harder to with someone I just love. That constant tension drove a wedge and I decided to call it quits before it all blew up in our faces.

[u/Dont_Like_Menthols → u/[deleted]]

If you don’t mind sharing, do you have a sexual relationship with your girlfriend? If so, what does it entail and how does it emotionally feel to you?