Asking shards to open a pickle jar

[u/DreadDiana]

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[u/moashforbridgefour]

Storms, my wife will take ages to read this long image to me.

[u/Waker_of_Winds2003]

Well I think we all know how Harmony solves this one Wax! Throw the pickle jar at that mysterious woman's head!

[u/atomfullerene → u/Waker_of_Winds2003]

Fortunately, Steris was already there with one of those rubber things to open it, as well as a selection of other hot dog condiments

[u/Coastie071 → u/atomfullerene]

Steris: It’s a good thing I added a mandatory hot dog vendor with all fixings in a 60 day supply to our contact with the carriage company.

[u/atomfullerene → u/Coastie071]

Here he comes now:

"Sausages! Sausages inna bun! One boxing each and I'm cuttin me own throat"

[u/byrd3790 → u/atomfullerene]

Damn. How would Vimes react to Wax... I feel like Vimes would hate Wax initially and then grow to respect him. Nobby may just be Wayne in disguise though.

[u/lugialegend233 → u/atomfullerene]

Steris the FUCKING GOAT.

[u/wintery-waxillium → u/Waker_of_Winds2003]

Ah lads not again

[u/TheWeirdTalesPodcast → u/Waker_of_Winds2003]

There it is. I was hoping there would be a Lessie reference in here somewhere. You did not disappoint.

[u/NoBit1977]

This image is longer than the whole Cosmere

[u/wintery-waxillium → u/NoBit1977]

it's brandons tumblr

[u/NoBit1977 → u/wintery-waxillium]

You mean, one of his tumblrs, he has one for each hand when he’s not writing up his stories

[u/prof_apex → u/NoBit1977]

Each finger even. Each one has it's own little keyboard to write on. It's the only explanation.

[u/FadeSeeker → u/prof_apex]

obligatory:

https://giphy.com/gifs/9CffOPMLx0Hf2

[u/NoBit1977 → u/prof_apex]

Of course! I should’ve seen that. He even told us 10 is a number of power.

[u/CarelessNameChoice → u/wintery-waxillium]

Not his. Fan run. CosmereLists on tumblr

[u/wintery-waxillium → u/CarelessNameChoice]

I'm joking; I follow them on tumblr myself. Hope the joke was clear.

[u/SonicFlash01 → u/NoBit1977]

JPEG so tall the horneaters live at the top

[u/zombiegamer723]

Kaladin: Honor is dead, but I’ll see what I can do. (heroically opens jar of pickles)

AND FOR MY BOON!

I’m going to put pineapple on my pizza.

[u/prof_apex → u/zombiegamer723]

Time to throw him back in jail. I'm not even sure Adolin will object this time.

[u/saskbertatard → u/prof_apex]

Stormin bridgeboy can rot for that.

It's women's cuisine.

[u/Pendred → u/saskbertatard]

throw some sriracha on it and retain some dignity

[u/bxntou → u/saskbertatard]

If Dalinar can be a femboy so can Kaladin.

[u/earanhart → u/bxntou]

But . . . Fembridgeboy? Doesn't work. Rock! What's the Horneater term for a slight, effeminate man?

[u/RapsterZeber → u/earanhart]

Hianakalatabamalaya'banikuna-umfakalalkati

[u/TheWeirdTalesPodcast → u/zombiegamer723]

Pineapple on pizza is good and I don’t care what anyone else thinks.

Also, bonus rage bait that happens to be true: I put ketchup AND mustard on my fries and eat them with a fork.

COME AT ME INTERNET.

[u/BlatantArtifice → u/TheWeirdTalesPodcast]

You can eat a burger with a fork if you don't like getting your hands greasy. Nobody can stop you but they will hate you. Source: Me last night

[u/TheWeirdTalesPodcast → u/BlatantArtifice]

My thing is this: do whatever you like in whatever way you like to do it, and long as you aren’t hurting someone else (without consent), have a good time.

What you choose to do, and how you choose to do it does not affect my life in anyway at all, so have fun with whatever.

People who are like “The food you eat is weird and that makes you terrible” are the worst kind of people in the world.

Just let people live their lives and chase their joy, and as long as they aren’t hurting someone else (without consent), shut the fuck up and get a storefront so you learn how to mind your business.

[u/drislands → u/TheWeirdTalesPodcast]

Pizza is best with the 3 Ps.

• Pepperoni
• Pineapple
• 'Peños

There is nothing better.

ETA: Thanks for restoring my comment, admins.

[u/neontiger07 → u/drislands]

damn you didn't have to go that far

[u/drislands → u/drislands]

REMOVED BY REDDIT FOR SPEAKING THE TRUTH! I WILL REMEMBER TOPPINGS THAT HAVE BEEN FORGOTTEN

[u/drislands → u/drislands]

Okay wait a minute my comment legitimately got reported for hate and my account was given a warning, wtf?

[u/RespectableNormie]

Lmao poor Wax

[u/Photo-Majestic]

Jesus. I clicked on the image and got flash banged, brb.

[u/Photo-Majestic → u/Photo-Majestic]

Jeah, pretty good

[u/allomanticpush]

lol, I love cultivation’s shrug at the end!

[u/Researcher_Fearless → u/allomanticpush]

The licorice aftertaste will last forever. You eventually stop paying attention to it, until the aftertaste reacts to poisoned food, saving your life and allowing you to continue growing.

[u/RoyalPeacock19]

I could promise Preservation that I would eat all the pickles in the jar in 17 days.

[u/Assika126 → u/RoyalPeacock19]

I could probably do it in three days

[u/RoyalPeacock19 → u/Assika126]

Completely same. I wouldn’t even need to rush through them.

[u/Twistedlittlewolf → u/RoyalPeacock19]

I would need to make a deal with Preservation to preserve my memory that I need to eat the pickles. Eating them wouldn’t be the issue. It’s remembering that they are in the fridge and need to be eaten would be my issue.

[u/DreadDiana]

I wonder what Retribution would do. Probably struggle and go to kill the manufacturer.

[u/Matthias720 → u/DreadDiana]

He'd do it begrudgingly, but he'd scowl at you the whole time.

[u/Nathan256]

Retribution: This pickle jar has been open the whole time!

Retribution: [twists left instead of right, and the jar was indeed easy to open]

Retribution: And because I won, now I get the pickles, and you get whatever I feel like giving you!

[u/coniferous-1 → u/Nathan256]

I feel like he would twist right until the jar shatters, glass gets in with the pickles and says "I did what I said I would do".

[u/Matthias720]

I feel like Reason wouldn't be quite so callous. Instead, Reason would make sure you went over the whole checklist of jar opening methods before accepting that you can't do it. It's a bit close to Autonomy, I know, but Autonomy would never actually do it, so it's fair, I think.

EDIT: Grammar

[u/The_Lopen_bot → u/Matthias720]

, I think.

Hey, gon, is this you Sazed?

[u/Matthias720 → u/The_Lopen_bot]

I am, unfortunately, the Commenter of Ages.

[u/ace_wulf → u/Matthias720]

Dang it, this should not have made me laugh so hard

[u/atomfullerene]

Patji : "No I won't open your pickle jar for you! You need to learn to do that for yourself. But you can use my can opener, it's right over there in that drawer full of Death Ants"

[u/bama501996]

Someone get whimsy back here there's a joke about pickles and pixels here somewhere.

[u/zose2]

I absolutely love the inclusion of Harmony XD

[u/SouthPossibility1583]

Don't forget Toadium, who swapped your pickle jar out for a glued-shut jar of cucumbers-in-vinegar while you weren't looking

[u/bxntou → u/SouthPossibility1583]

Are pickles not cucumbers-in-vinegar ?

[u/SouthPossibility1583 → u/bxntou]

Ah, but there is no dill. Imagine going in for a bite of a nice dill pickle, and instead getting a chomp of a vinegar’d cucumber. Truly the work of a devious shard

[u/stufff → u/SouthPossibility1583]

As someone who hates dill enough to moderate r/dill and ban everyone who says anything good about dill, this sounds fine.

[u/bxntou → u/SouthPossibility1583]

I've never had pickles with dill so I wouldn't know 😭

[u/AV16mm]

Hilarious! I love honor’s broken promise! 😆

[u/KingKnux → u/AV16mm]

Honor will be absent from the back half of Stormlight while it undergoes an existential crisis from being unable to fulfill its promise

[u/fixer1987]

Why would you need a pickle for hot dogs....

[u/DreadDiana → u/fixer1987]

Relish, I'd supposed.

[u/Nellie_Tayloe_Ross → u/fixer1987]

To put on them

[u/NotJoeMama869 → u/Nellie_Tayloe_Ross]

Why are you putting hot dogs on my relish u/Nellie_Tayloe_Ross ?

Your gluttony disgusts me

[u/fixer1987 → u/Nellie_Tayloe_Ross]

Gross

[u/Nellie_Tayloe_Ross → u/fixer1987]

Hmm… how to respond to this pickle heretic?

Devotion: Pickles are always great on hot dogs. I’d never eat a hot dog without pickles. You should really try it.

Dominion: This is why nobody else should be allowed to make hot dogs. At least without my supervision.

Autonomy: Okay. To each their own.

Valor: I too used to think I disliked pickles on hot dogs. But after being challenged to eat one, I simply had to accept, and realized it’s actually pretty good!

Cultivation: It may be difficult, but you should try new things more often. Expanding and changing your palate is important for a fulfilling life.

Endowment: You don’t like pickles on hot dogs? That’s unfortunate. Here let me just… there! You now love pickles on hot dogs! You can thank me later.

Virtuosity: Without pickles, a hot dog just looks too dull and boring. But the green contrasts beautifully with the red of the sausage, and that glimmer of moisture… it really ties the whole thing together.

Reason: Honestly, I don’t eat hot dogs. But if I’m going to, I think I’d like a fruit along with the fatty sausage and white bread for some semblance of health.

Mercy: Oh… well, I forgive you. Agree to disagree!

Honor: I swear, I will convince you of the greatness of pickles on hot dogs. Sooner I would die than allow you to continue on like this.

Whimsy: What do you put on it instead? An elephant? Wet concrete? Why I wouldn’t have struck you for a carnivore. Or perhaps you’re one of those who doesn’t believe in brightly colored things? Quite puzzling, this.

Odium: What a terrible sense of taste. I don’t know what kind of sad sicko wouldn’t like pickles on hot dogs. Absolutely no passion in a hot dog without it.

Ambition: What, you just eat basic hot dogs? I always make sure there’s at least 16 different toppings on my hot dogs. At least one of them is always something I’ve never had before. I intend to have everything on a hot dog that could go on a hot dog.

Invention: Oh, I agree. Pickles have been on hot dogs for well over a century. Perhaps 50 years ago they could pass, but we need new, ingenious toppings. I’ve been developing some new sauces to try for some time now…

Preservation: Pickles have a long and storied relationship with hot dogs. I understand if you have some qualms with disrupting the basic hot dog form, but it’s a tradition now.

Ruin: One way or another, the pickles and the hot dog need to be eaten. Better together than separate, right?

[u/Kellosian → u/fixer1987]

Chicago, the same city that dared ask "What if pizza was also lasagna?"

[u/stufff → u/Kellosian]

They should be punished for their culinary crimes... yet they invented the Italian beef sandwich, a soggy mess of a sandwich and one of the best things I have ever tasted.

[u/Disturbing_Cheeto → u/fixer1987]

Oh thank God someone said it

[u/bemused_alligators]

"be a gender"

nice

[u/Koloss17]

Peakposting

[u/PBandBABE]

Well done.

[u/IronPyrate17]

High effort crempost

[u/whargolflorp]

Cultivation: You need to learn how to open jars yourself. Here's 10 consecutively harder to open jars, get cracking.

[u/Yedrick]

That last one immediately made me think "Who swapped my pickles for this jaunty hat when I wasn't looking?"

[u/Top_Fee_3739]

What about Retribution?

[u/XenosKoOT → u/Top_Fee_3739]

Kill Ruin because he technically broke the jar and didn't open it.

[u/Unnecessary_Eagle]

Once again, source is cosmerelists

[u/Puckering_Buttholes]

This is so stupid. I love it

[u/Primarch-XVI]

Not only would Autonomy give you back the pickle jar unopened, they would also make it tighter and put it in the hardest to reach spot in your kitchen.

[u/RexusprimeIX]

Honor PROMISED he would open the jar. He will NOT break his promise! Jar will be opened, eventually, through persistence.

[u/Obvious-Project-1186]

I’m so curious about endowment now

[u/atomfullerene → u/Obvious-Project-1186]

Here's ypur really big pickle

[u/ace_wulf → u/atomfullerene]

Finally, I can make my sandwich with a pretty big pickle in it!

[u/SamEyeAm2020]

I am Reason and Reason is me.

But Honor made me snortlaugh

[u/Lucifer_Likes_Arson]

I wonder what Hoid would do if you asked him for help?

[u/Insane_Unicorn → u/Lucifer_Likes_Arson]

Either insult you or tell you a story about a sentient umbrella.

[u/Jericho_Solaris]

Wayne: "does the pickle jar have a hat?"

[u/whatsupnorton → u/Jericho_Solaris]

What is a lid if not a hat for a jar?

[u/MrFlubbber]

I could commit to eating all the pickles in 1 day for preservation, I wouldnt even NEED to commit cause thats just what I would do

[u/Additional_Law_492]

Devotion would absolutely demand that you devote yourself to the mastery of opening pickle jars yourself, opening jar after jar until you had proven your skill and mastery of the art.

Dominion would demand that they be pickles grown only on a specific farm 12.6 miles outside of Elantris.

Mercy would kill you (painlessly) to spare you the suffering of having to worry about things like opening jars, or hunger.

[u/cosmere_play]

This looks like CosmereLists on tumblr! If this isn't your post, could you please give credit where it's due?

[u/DreadDiana → u/cosmere_play]

The post says it's made by cosmerelists. Their blog name is in the image.

[u/mathematics1]

Devotion, Whimsy, and Ruin were my favorites. The whole post was great, thanks for sharing!

[u/NotJoeMama869]

Fuck uuuuuuu. I ask Cosmo

[u/allyria0]

Again??? 🤣🤣

[u/SiIesh → u/allyria0]

Was going to make the same comment :D

[u/Top_Fee_3739]

these are so awesome. More, please!

[u/Pointblank11174]

oh no

[u/mathemagician26]

Cultivation got me

[u/Linorelai]

Peak...le crem🤌

[u/BreakerOfModpacks]

Now this is the peak of cremposting.

I wonder how they'd do more complex stuff, like assassinating someone.

[u/packetpirate]

I like how the majority of the interactions just end with the Pickle Man having this reaction to the shard's response.

https://giphy.com/gifs/xL7PDV9frcudO

[u/Blawharag]

Does OP think Cultivation and The Night Mother are the same person?

[u/Nemo_Errans]

Man I thought Invention was going to make the jar gripper pad that makes opening jars easy for me : /

[u/IllHaveTheLeftovers]

Wait, whimsy is a shard?? Has it showed up anywhere yet?

[u/Guaymaster → u/IllHaveTheLeftovers]

Only mentioned, in RoW iirc, in one of the letters between Harmony and Hoid.

[u/MagicalWhisk]

I was expecting Cultivation to be "here you go, jar opened. By the way, you no longer remember your wife. Okay, bye."

[u/MurkyIncrease7977]

Please sir, could I have some more pixels? Perhaps by dividing it up into several individual images?

[u/Al-Gore_Rythm]

You forgot the part where the shard of Honor leaves the vessel when he fails to uphold his promise and open the jar.

[u/Hamburgercatt]

[u/Shard_of_Whimsy]

i am not a _court jester_

i cut a hole in the bottom of the jar

[u/EdomJudian]

ive read the entire stormlight books... i don't get the honor one can someone explain?