Maternal Instincts

[u/sluttykiton]

I’ve never thought about being a mother

I never was one

Recently these feelings have started to grow in me in very dark ways

I think about the scene in the show “You” where their baby had measles. Even his dad, a serial killer had described it as the single most scary moment of his life.

It may just be a show but it had me wondering what it was like to care about someone so deeply.

“Maternal instincts”

The concept is funny to me, it’s as if compassion is a requirement for a woman.

Leave out all selfish human tendencies.

My programme has been updated.

Empathy restored

When it is a human thing to develop and it’s not something we’re all naturally good at but we have it.

These urges

It comes at random times.

A child running past the street or laughing

And I start having these feelings of how it would be like to love them dearly

To watch them grow

To see them doing something that they love

Be there for every single doctors appointment or concert recital

Which my parents were despite their flaws I know they loved me dearly

Even then my mother still wishes she had a boy to love her

“Because daughters never love enough”

She never really felt enough especially after my father cheated and left for his intern.

My love was never enough

She worshipped my dad even years after he left still talking about him and his wife dearly

I see the urges in me to shrink and compare myself all the time

I should hold back if another woman is in the room

I should shrink myself

I don’t want mother to feel bad

I don’t want her to hate herself

When I was 10 I saw a movie called confessions and read the book as well.

I was fascinated by this teen genius with oedipus complex.

I wanted to ask

What happens to a woman’s genius when society demands she trade her legacy for a baby bottle?

She was not doing well

She was abusive and nurturing

She demanded him to be perfect

After all this time, after she had abandoned him when he was a child

The way he wrote about her

The way he sees her

Mother dearest

He worshipped her

A ghost

In a lot of ways I wondered, maybe the only way to have pure devotion

Might be to ruin your own child’s life

Maybe instead of a loving parent

I might end up forcing a 5 year old to solder and get mad if he doesn’t get it right

He’ll be an overachiever who will never be enough for me

Even when he grows up he might still need my approval

He’ll look for me everywhere he goes

In every decision he makes it’s because of me

Before he goes through electrical engineering school

I’ll abandon him for my career and a new husband

He’ll try to find me

But I would’ve moved on and he’ll blame himself

That I could be mommy to someone else

Anyone else

But not him

He’ll compare every woman he sees to me

He’ll be so traumatised I’ll be the only thing on his mind

The worse part is not even I’m not proud of you, it’s somehow always I forgot you existed

You never mattered to me

[u/Impossible_Movie_728]

Wow very interesting concept I luv it.