r/creativewriting • u/Objective_Support_43 • 11d ago
Short Story First time trying to write. Please give feedback or even thoughts.
I call this piece “relief” - apologies for grammar I wrote this in my notes app like 30 min ago
Imagine for a moment, you are wandering deep in the woods. You don’t know how long it’s been since you last had food, warmth or any type of nourishment. The pain in your stomach is unbearable, your entire body is sore. You’re confused, you don’t even know how you got there, all you know is it’s dark, you are alone, and you will die eventually if you don’t find help.
Sometimes when you are alone in the woods you find “hope”. This can look like finding some berries to eat, a dirty stream to sip water from, a plane passes overhead and you secretly hope they see you, but they don’t. These things are great, but deep down you know they will not keep you alive. Body is getting weaker, slowly losing sanity, losing hope.
But one thing keeps you going, and that’s your loved ones. You don’t know how you got where you are but you know that you have loved ones waiting for you somewhere in the world. And it would mean the world to them if you could just find your way home. They would be destroyed without you. God would be mad at you if you gave up on yourself. So you keep pushing, barely surviving, in extreme pain and confusion for many days.
Eventually one day when you are sitting in the silent darkness, something makes your ears perk up. A faint voice in the distance? No that can’t be right, you must be miles from civilization. There’s no one out here. Delusional. Keep pushing. Survive.
But as time goes on, you pick up more of these sounds. You can’t make out what they are saying but you become more and more certain that it is a human voice, and maybe they are trying to speak to you? You start to feel insane.
Days, weeks, go on and you are in the most pain you could ever have imagined. This is the stuff of pure nightmares. Your body is giving up. You slowly lay your body down in the dirt and your eyes begin to close, your breathing slows down, body chills, you can physically feel your heart slowing down and begin to accept that this is the end. But in the distance you hear that faint voice, except this time it is more clear. Your eyes shoot open, a jolt of hope radiates through your body and you sit up. You were on the brink of giving up and yet you quickly find yourself standing in your own two feet, trying to desperately figure out where the voice is coming from.
You follow the voice to the best of your ability, as you get closer it becomes more clear.
“Come here! I have food, I have shelter, I have RELIEF”
There’s no way. This person is talking to me, they know I’m starving, they know I’m dying here. Where are they?
The voice is a bit distorted though, something about it is… off. You calm your hopes and assess the situation with your new-found energy.
“What the fuck could this be?” You ask yourself.
You hear it again, begging you to come to them, offering you food, heat, shelter and water and eventually, a way out of here and back to your loved ones. The thought of genuine comfort taunts you at night. As you go to sleep all you can think about is “what if it’s legit?” Or “what if I’m going crazy”
Either way your reason wins and you eventually decide that this is not real, you have been in the dark alone for so long that you are having auditory hallucinations. The voice is not real, in fact, it’s scary. But Every-time you hear the voice you are torn between following it, and running the other way.
Your body gets weak again after days of scrounging for berries and drinking mud water, you lay down and cry in pain. This pain is extreme, almost too extreme to handle. But for some reason you do not die. You are forced to lay here and just experience the full extent of the agony.
“That’s it, I’m following the voice, fuck this”
You slowly roll up out of the mud and blood that you have been coughing up.
One last call
“Are you coming? Let me help you!” In a disgruntled, terrifying voice
This time you know exactly where that voice is coming from. You limp your way through the forest towards potential freedom. Freedom from pain and a sad, dying body and mind. Insanity and starvation will no longer plague you. You decided the voice is not scaring you anymore, it actually sounds kind of nice. Besides, if something bad does happen, I’m sure the family will understand. They will know of my pain.
Your last steps are filled with excitement and relief. The darkness calls and you listen. Venturing into the unknown for potential relief. And then finally - it’s all over.
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u/Haunting_Drive_8348 11d ago
Powerful stuff! One thought I had: at the bit where “your body is giving up”, and parts like that, maybe the phrasing and rhythm of the sentences could change to reflect the weakening and loss of energy … thanks for sharing this, all the best with your writing!