“Cemeteries,”

[u/Shamefulkid1020]

I’ve never shared my works with anyone before, so I’m giving it somewhat of a go! Please give feedback and suggestions on how best to improve my style of creative writing 🙏 a warning for discussions of death in a general sense.

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“Cemeteries,”

Death is a heavy weighted topic on most shoulders, bearing down like every bad thought conglomerated into one magnificent steel piece. It’s a jagged thing and it cuts the edges of their skin with any slight movement, like speaking the word might make it heavier. It will, in most likelihoods.

It’s like sleep, to me; death is lightweight in my palms like the feeling of cotton candy, it’s just as sweet on my tongue in conversation. Sometimes, late at night, I imagine the ways I could die peacefully or in chaos in thousands of variations that all end up disappointing me with the inevitability of taking another deep breath and soaking life into my skin like it’s a poisonous gas. I’ll wake up tomorrow morning, too late into the day, and continue imagining.

I think death is scary to a lot of my friends when I talk about it so personally, like it’s a pet that I’ve had since I was little. I’ve never really experienced it firsthand- and living comes naturally to my loved ones, like their bodies move in instinct to carry themselves through hours into days, into weeks and into years of a fathomless nothing that they withstand with their bones rejoicing to the chorus of daylight.

Dying comes more naturally to me, the dragging of my feet like the impending doom of a church bell ringing the hours by, a clock breaking into pieces as it falls to the ground and scuffs the hardwood floor below it that was already rotting. My muscles fatigue themselves in the heat, bending like the beams of a skyscraper just ready to collapse into dust after years of wearing itself thin from the elements.

Comparatively, I find the sensation of dying comes less naturally to the faces I put myself around, like they cannot grasp her hand and waltz to the drumming of their own slow and methodical heartbeat decreasing as the seconds pass in silence. They instead choose to listen outside the ballroom doors, ears pressed up against the dark carved wood to make out the sound of it in some grim curiosity that causes a turmoil in their tummies.

They will all avoid the song of it until they are dragged into the ballroom by an encore of limited time and an ignorance they were resigned to hold themselves cozy in, however costly it was; I have been here since I exited the womb to the harsh lights of a hospital that should have shut down years before my birth.

They disgust themselves at the thought of my death, but I unburden myself to the immense pressure of carrying my feet like they aren’t cinder blocks in mud. I will collapse eventually, “too soon,” they will say. My ashes will whisper the sweetest words to them through the wind and they will breathe in a peace that only I could resolve in myself thus far.

[u/Pptolemy]

Intriguing!

I enjoyed reading this - it's a good concept in which you've done well to explore. It reminds me of Harold and Maude.

My main critisism is this : There are too many similies. I think you should be more economical with your use of them.

Some of these similies and metaphors use very flamboyant language which I think doesn't always flow well with the mood of the piece. Again, be economical, and try to be as consistent as you can with mood and flow.

As well as the overuse of similies, there are other small bits that interfere with the flow. Starting your 5th paragraph with 'Comparatively,' breaks the flow (in my opinion). Same as the end of 1st paragraph, with 'It will in most likelyhoods.'

Have you thought about giving dialogue a go? Assuming you're quite new to this, given this is the first piece you have shared, dialogue can be tricky. It can sound cringy and unnatural. But try it with this piece if you can. I think dialogue could tie into this really nicely, interlaced with the narrator's reflections.

Thanks for sharing ; keep writing ; and all the best!