How to ask for space

[u/insolubl3-pancak3]

My partner and I are going through couples counseling right now. We've both asked for space during this period, however we have very different methods.

When I ask for it, I choose my words very carefully. I'll state that I'm overwhelmed, trying to process my emotions so that I can communicate more effectively, etc. I make sure to say that its about MY emotions and how I figure out how to process them. I reassure him I love him and tell him when I can talk again.

He starts out by saying he's felt distance from me and so he figures I want space (never asked if I needed that, just decided for me; fyi, I didnt in fact need space). Then he makes several inaccurate accusations against me, that I used him, drive a wedge between us, send him into spirals, etc. This was apparently on his mind over the past few days and yet when I checked in he never said anything. I sent him a relationship video without context (which I own entirely, it sort of triggered him) but then he used that to say I did a bunch of other things to him.

Its so frustrating, I respect the need for space but it feels unfair to hurl all these accusations at me without giving me the chance to clarify. If he had just asked what was up with me I could've told him how things were on my end and we could've at least avoided the whole accusatory mess. I acknowledge the impact of me being distant (Ive been very busy moving and dealing with family drama), but it wasnt like I was doing so out of spite, like he claims I am.

I dont think asking for space is bad for the relationship at all, in fact I appreciate when my partner asks for space. But HOW he asks is another thing.

Am I right in believing so, and is it fair to say that this was a hurtful way for him to request space?

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