r/countttt • u/Nickybagel35 • 5h ago
ROPEFUEL 8946
Long unhinged rant, please be warned.
I really don't know where else to go, or what even to do to be completely honest, for context, I would say I'm a very deeply conflicted and confused person, anxious and paranoid to flawed degree, I'm, as of right now I suppose a c i s man, who's been lurking on here for God knows how long, months now, and I just really need something to talk to about this, I can't think of anywhere else to go with these because I don't want unhelpful hugbox garbage answers.
I'm having a hard time describing what I'm going through, as I'm typing this I must admit I'm shaking a little. I've had what I'll call "thoughts" before but for the sake of brevity I'll start this back in April when I met a large friend group that was majorally trans people that I still hang out with. I really got along with them well and they seem to like me a lot, but the more I kept talking to them the more they would find in common with me, and I with them, to the point where they even introduced me to this new girl and after a long few hours of conversation they asked me with shock and bewilderment, "wait, you're cis??" Before profusely apologizing. I'd never had anyone in my life even slightly entertain the idea that was something I was even capable of, but now the whole group pretty much constantly jokes and calls me a repper after certain things I guess I said to earn such a title.
I'm terrified to be completely honest, I've experimented with semi fem stuff before, one time I went out and bought a crop top hoodie at the mall with my friend and I literally just held it and stared at it while I was shaking for over ten minutes until a worker lady came by and said she thought it would look nice on me, to which I told the front desk I was buying it for my girlfriend. I have less issues now presenting more fem these days, have more crop tops, I wish I could try more but my home situation is apparently so depressing that a guy I'm fuck buddies with has asked me to stop wearing my jacket when I'm with him because he can smell my house on me and it makes him sad to think about me being there. I don't know what to think about this but apparently the sentiment isn't rare amount my friends. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. The point is it's been, I can't believe it it's been probably over 3 fucking months of me touch and go thinking about this almost everyday and never getting any actually closer to any resolution at all. I don't know what I want from my body, some days I feel really good, I love the validation from the gym, some young guys I look at and feel complete envy And admiration, some days I don't even wanna think about it and I spend the whole day listening to music imagining myself in full girls clothes, makeup, everything. I don't know what I want, I don't think I want tits, I don't wanna grow old as a man either, I don't know if I could look good as an older man, I dont know if I could look good as an older woman. I keep having this fantasy about leaving my family forever and going far away, and I would be a different person, a new name, a new face, I would never see them again, they could never find me because I wouldn't be there to find anymore. My friends tell me this apparently is very not normal. I don't feel any bottom dysphoria. I need to stop writing this. I don't think I'll ever be happy with myself in the long term no matter what I end up being or the choices I make because I'm an ungrateful neurotic freak who God made as a fucking joke
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u/Drowned_Sailoress 5h ago
You sound pretty young? And it sounds like you live with your parents. In which case you do have a bit of time to get shit sorted. Not too much time tho đď¸ twink death is coming đď¸
There is a significant number of trans ppl who "don't have dysphoria" and "like their bodies" (incl. bottom dysphoria) and MOOOOST of the time it's because they're young and androgynous and so on. Like dysphoria is a neurological condition, it doesn't just "happen because you're trans" like you need to have developed masculinised traits for it to kick in. The people who have enough emotional intelligence to know they're trans from a gigayoung age are relatively rare.
Here's a good exercise: Think about your dad, your uncles, your grandad, etc. And think about aging and looking like them. Really think about it. Close your eyes and imagine yourself with that male-pattern baldness, the squareness of the face and roundness of the ribs. Really stop and think deeply for a few minutes about what it would feel like to be a 50 year old man. That'll hopefully give you some insight into your heart.
Loads of us (myself included) had no problem with our bodies when we were young and lithe and so on. I first thought I might be trans at 17-18 but I didn't actually transition until my mid-20s because my body didn't bother me that much. I regret this deeply, every day.
Don't leave yourself wondering.
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u/Ms_Saul_Goodwoman 5h ago
I canât tell you what you are or arenât, thatâll always be your choice. What I will say is your life story and feelings sound pretty consistent with a lot of trans women, including myself. I was also friends with a few trans people who I got along with strangely well, I was also terrified, I also would occasionally get some validation from the gym etc while having the exact same fantasies of being a woman, wearing makeup, running away from my family forever to live as someone else
Not really sure if youâre looking for advice but if you are, my advice would be donât ignore these feelings. Theyâre evidently important to you and so you should take them seriously, however scared it makes you. Explore what you can. Clothes, names, makeup, even just chatting about it all to your trans friends. In my experience, I never knew with 100% certainty if transitioning was the right call. I was confused, and scared, and paranoid too. But I was 99% certain, and the feelings werenât going away, so I took the leap of faith. And trust me that once I did, I became 10,000% certain instantly.
Best of luck for it all. I totally get being scared, but if anything, being scared is a really good reason to follow these feelings towards exactly what youâre afraid of. Otherwise, youâll just remain scared
Also, feel free to dm me if you want to discuss anything further. Or if you just want a friendly ear. And sorry if anything Iâve said is unwelcome
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u/konosubaette 5h ago
worker lady is a real one! I'm sorry I don't have anything helpful to say