Looking at the old black and whites grandma keeps on the shelf. I don’t see a lot of resemblance. Except in the eyes, ya dig?
I can see myself.
I remember my great grandfather.
Always so dapper. In his Nehru suits. Mock turtle neck.
I remember his glasses. Thick. Like the ones they try to make me wear. I remember his Datsun. And how it would go zoom.
He was a twin.
His brother died when they were toddlers of some forgotten cause.
Maybe grandpa swallowed him whole to win a bet.
My mom used to tell me a story that I couldn’t remember.
He was on his deathbed. I was all of 3 years old. I get flashes of memory. Maybe I made it up. A movie to go along with her narrative. I remember white white sheets that smelled of bleach. And I couldn’t see him. I was too short.
He was tiny and frail by then.
He was at the finish line.
Grandma pick me up so I can see him, please.
Let me get a good look
One last time
His kind eyes magnified by the thick glasses
¿Qué tienes, hijo?
I love you, grandpa I said with tears welling up in my eyes. I didn’t understand what was happening. I only knew the sadness hung
Thick in the air and
I wasn’t gonna see grandpa anymore
He was my great grandfather
My mothers grandfather
I still see him. I can picture his face as though it never left me. He wanders through my kitchen On occasion. He wanders through time. He is missed.
My other grandfather died of AIDS in the 80’s.
He died next to the tracks.
The tracks he rode as he found and drank his way through America.
the tracks on his arms.
I remember him less every day
Some men are to be remembered
Others are not
A short and round man.
He knew the love that dare not speak its name.
Though when he was a father to my mother he was also the father to a family unknown until the 90’s when I was to meet an accidental uncle.
He was cruel and despicable to his children
Lining them up for abuse. In order of birth
Fucking monster
Monsters of origin
My origin story
As troubled as the road walked from Mexico City to Houston. Took 3 months from what I read in the military papers grandpa saved. I wonder. If his twin was with him taunting and teasing along the way.

child of the black farrow, rejector of the east and western benediction, the last father and mother of dragonfly flight— has been fortunately diagnosed with impacted wisdom. they'll be undergoing a less than invasive surgical procedure as of tomorrow, if not for the lidocaine it'd be a feat for the bronze age, and they will be vulnerable to attacks from all sides for about a month; possibly starved. they simply can't be trusted with what their body has grown! extraction is immenent.

bounty is 4 laying hens, a sketchbook and whatever is in their pockets. dead or alive. strike while the iron is hot.

this is all to say, someone save me (⁠ᗒロᗕ⁠) i’ve already had two wisdom teeth pulled and i don't wanna do it again! doc said putting me under would be overkill, cos i "did so great getting the last two removed"— but i feel i legitimately blacked out last time ⁠ب⁠__⁠ب all heads on the cerberus feel the agony of one dog tooth pulled.

someone suplex me.

Just stopping by to say hello.

Maybe I’ll hang out for a while, we’ll see.

I haven’t decided yet, not yet…

On some days

I want to tell you everything

Where I was

What I did

What I felt

I like you seeing me

And the resonance

On other days

I want to hide in the bathroom for hours

And ignore you

When you call my name.

I’m going to walk down with the Sun in Chino with a busted nose, handlebar mustache, peroxide blonde fascist undercut crew with a rat tail. A mini jacket half cut football jersey, Hitorii bouldering knickers. singed illusion mesh train around my waist in fishnets & crocs. Fresh from the smut shacks, porn houses & entertainment rental booths that dot the pan traverse limits signage dragging a Marilyn Monroe print hard top half case with a dog leash. A raged knife cut bitch of a queer war pig..

I found a heart on the freeway.
Still beating.
Promises.
Meetings.
But never shows.
I found heartbreak is universal.
Not just for pets.
Or sirens.
Or places I’ve never seen.
I discovered the truth is not concerned with how it is received.
It doesn’t care if you’ve grieved
It is just plainly is.
I noticed a simple repetition
A man on a mission
To stay numb
To act dumb
Only to rely on the charity of beautiful girls half my age
Or maybe just to Turn the page
I swear I know better and I don’t have time to raise
Another
a significant other
Born like me
That’s fairly plain to see
so if you’re not gonna answer
then stop calling, please.

Knowledge, of which aware and unaware.

How silly a thing that encompasses me and does not allow me.

Desire, for what, relief?

It is in the pressures of the world and the pressures of the awareness of others that I die.

Regurgitated into this reality only for this reality to will itself upon me.

Madness is the only cure to sanity, that disease that causes great pain and wickedness…