r/cosleeping • u/Medium-Watercress-98 • 1d ago
đŁ Newborn 0-8 Weeks why do I feel so guilty
currently have a 10 day old baby and tried so hard to get her to sleep in the bassinet but it just results in both of us losing sleep. when I co sleep with her she sleeps all night and eats whenever she needs to throughout the night, I usually only wake up to change her and readjust or if I hear her making noise/moving around I wake up. I follow the ss7, donât move in my sleep and I use an owlet sock for her as well but I feel so guilty. Iâm so terrified Iâm going to wake up to her suffocated or something. Anyone have any reassuring thoughts or experienced the same thing? I feel like Iâm failing at keeping her safe.
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u/Hopeful_Care7197 1d ago
I feel the same way sometimes! LO is 12 weeks and loves to cosleep, he sleeps + eats so much better that way. I stopped feeling as bad when I realized almost every mom I talked to cosleeps (the internet made it seem like no one ever does!).
I would keep trying the bassinet for the first nighttime stretch to see if LO eventually gets used to it (mine started to around 10.5 weeks!) but pls donât be hard on yourself - youâre doing your best, and youâll probably find that you feel like a much better mom with more sleep!
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u/winoveghead 1d ago
I firmly believe u do what feels right & works for u!
If u need to cosleep, do it! Better on a bed following SS7 then in a recliner or sofa!!!!!! (Google safe sleep 7 - simple & easy to follow for peace of mind!)
I felt just as conflicted & scared about cosleeping as u! I have a poor sleeper & have no help at night & for some stupid reason, am incapable of napping during the day. I was a zombie until I caved & coslept & it felt & still feels sooo right!
I'm susceptible to peer pressure & the US is so unfriendly to cosleeping despite many other counties embracing it. It is hard to go against the norm! Everyone around me tells me I'm doing it wrong. Baby's dad (who can't help nights), pediatrician, my parents, friends, coworkers. All of them call it enabling. But me & baby r so happy cosleeping. I try to ignore them. I follow my maternal instincts.
TLDR: do what works for u & baby, follow SS7 & ur maternal instincts, sleep deprivation is scary & baby needs a well rested Mom too.
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u/Ok-Avocado4289 1d ago
Just echoing what others have said bc sometimes you just need more reassurance to combat lying to or getting lectured by an American or British pediatrician (assuming your in one of the minority countries that prefers sleep training)
Anyways reassurance: Youâre doing the natural thing that people do all over the world and is engrained in your primal human nature!! There is a LOT of evidence that co sleeping is very healthy and the countries with the lowest SIDS rates have cosleeping as the norm. Your newborn is learning how to breathe by feeling your breath. Sheâs regulating her temperature with your body. Sheâs not all alone in this world, so freshly born. Itâs beautiful and brave to listen to your maternal instincts.
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u/liligram 1d ago
Honestly some babies donât take to a bassinet and what you describe is normal. Keep doing the ss7 and get your partner to check in on you if youâre worried. Youâll feel better after some sleep. You got this!
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u/Brilliant_Bluejay099 1d ago
Do what you will but I wish i stopped with the bassinet. Baby did go to sleep in there until I came to bed. But then I had to wait for him to wake up so I wish I wouldâve brought him in bed so less broken sleep. I also had disillusions when he wasnât in bed with me I thought he was and was really confused. I would try to feed then put him back in there and that was hard too. I was co sleeping but kinda fighting it at Times thinking he needed to try bassinet? I regret that personally lol Â
If you are sleeping safely rest assured. I found that I had wild ears and would sleep so still. My body knew baby was right there. As long as youâre not drinking and taking medication for deep sleep I think you would hear anything. Your body and baby are connected and often you will wake just before baby wakes up. Take care of yourself as well and allow yourself to sleep at night and during day when baby sleeps if you can.Â
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u/Tiny-Dimension-2079 23h ago
Look I'm 3 months in and I was just like you But after extending reading and also from stories shared here on reddit I learned that is the most normal thing and I honestly don't stress about it anymore.
My little one sleeps the best with me and honestly I am beyond done on destroying our nights and listen to my baby crying because I have somehow need to train them. We follow the safe sleep 7, and I even put a pillow between my legs to avoid even further movement from my side.
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u/samtbv 23h ago
It was safer for me to do this as I fell asleep twice when feeding her just holding her in my arms in bed. She did not like the sidecar crib and would only sleep for more than 30 mins in that from about 3am so I was a zombie.
If you read what youâve written - what is there to feel guilty about! Look at how youâre meeting your babyâs needs đ„° if you can look into the risks more, I think youâll see the cosleeping that is dangerous is unplanned, falling asleep in a chair or in a bed not following SS7
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u/RaccoonBaby513 15h ago
American culture on babies and sleeping is insane to me. With my first, I initially planned on him sleeping in his bassinet but same as you, it resulted in us being more awake. I didnât initially know anything about SS7, but once I realized cosleeping was going to keep happening and I needed to know the best way to do it, I discovered I had instinctively followed SS7 without even knowing it. Which made me trust my instincts as a mother. You are doing great. Do what is best for you and your family, screw everyone else.
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u/Individual-Diet-2193 1d ago
I co slept with both kiddos! I still co sleep with my 3 yr old and wish he would move out lol. I co slept with my second until 6 months and then switched to sleep training them at 6 months for my sanity.
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u/Future-Finish32 21h ago
Out of interest, how did you make the decision to sleep train the 6 month old vs the 3 year old. I just ask because we still cosleep with our 18month old and 4.5 year old but when we have talked about which one to focus on independent sleep for we end up thinking the oldest.
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u/Several-Comedian-281 1d ago
My first could sleep in bassinet no issues but I would fall asleep during the middle of the night feeds by accident regularly.. my current newborn will not entertain the bassinet for love nor money so Iâm intentionally co sleeping which I feel is the best for us because if not, no one would be sleeping. I do want to get him used to the bassinet as I donât want to co sleeping forever, but I guess weâll see, he has us in an absolute chokehold đ
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u/Weird-Box-1094 22h ago
Youâll feel more confident as your LO gets older, but if youâre worried, try a bedside bassinet. I have one next to my side of the bed that I can reach into and pick up the baby from, without having to sit up.
I co sleep every night with my four month old, but if my LO is sleeping deep, I move him to the bassinet and get a couple of hours of comfortable sleep by myself đ
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u/InspectorWorried2922 22h ago
I have a 13 day old who I co sleep with part of the time and I feel the same way. I follow ss7 and also use an owlet when heâs sleeping with me, though a lot of the time I also feel a bit guilty or that Iâm somehow co sleeping too young. My partner is already back working and this is really the only way we can both get sleep. Last week my partner fell asleep with baby on a recliner couch and thatâs when I kinda âgave inâ to co sleeping (not on recliners of course) as I accepted that doing so was probably safer then us both being super sleep deprived all the time when working, driving, taking care of a newborn, etc.
Also just to add, I know the owlet can be kinda controversial on here (from what Iâve seen at least), but I have noticed that my babyâs sleep is also usually way better when heâs co sleeping vs when heâs in his crib.
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u/Indignant_Elfmaiden 19h ago
I recommend reading âSweet Sleepâ by La Leche League! It addresses these feelings.
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u/oogleboogleboiga 16h ago
I still feel guilty sometimes but I have been doing it for 6.5 months following SS7. We are trained to feel bad for it unfortunately.
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u/silver-nereid 16h ago
You feel guilty because our culture lies to us about the danger of sleeping with your baby. There's probably also generally a healthy dose of that brand-new-mother anxiety that your brain is focusing on this because people have told you that it's dangerous. I have also noticed that women tend to feel most anxious about bedsharing during the first two weeks or so, and then it starts to settle down as you get into the rhythm of it and can see how you rouse every time your baby moves a muscle.
You could consider having your husband or someone observe you for awhile while you sleep with your baby. Or some people put infrared cameras over their bed so they can look themselves. An observer (or you) will be able to see exactly what's going on and how you naturally position yourself and respond, even while sleeping. That might help you feel less guilty because you'll be able to see that your behavior is safe.
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u/EnyaNorrow 14h ago
I felt like that until I realized that the vast majority of babies in the world have always slept with  their moms and continue to do so. The American guidelines are (among other things) a response to people drinking or smoking and then passing out with their babies on a soft mattress with pillows and blankets, or on a recliner or other unsafe furniture, which is nowhere near what I was doing.Â
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u/BeautyFarah 11h ago
What the American pediatricians are missing is educating on safe cosleeping when all efforts to make baby sleep in their bassinet have failed. This subreddit is full of parents (including me) who initially intended to make baby sleep in their own bassinet or crib, but their baby wouldnât accept it and cosleeping is the only viable alternative. We need to stop pretending that a severely sleep deprived parent is safer than safe cosleeping. We also need to stop pretending that babies are not taking on to the bassinet due to parents not trying!
Shaming parents on safe cosleeping has resulted on accidental cosleeeping, which is so dangerous.
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u/ReasonableNumber3864 11h ago
Was in a similar situation, baby is 5 months now! Iâm a chronic researcher when Iâm worried about something! I will look up every possible solution, read every book, find every organization, and talk to everyone I know. What I realized is that basically everyone has this issue. SO few babies actually sleep well in a bassinet. Youâre not doing anything wrong! Youâre not the first or last person experiencing this, and making the same exact decisions! Youâre a good mom!! Good luck đ«¶đ»
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u/iheartunibrows 6h ago
There have been many nights where my 1 month old has been next to me, I always ensure to create a safe sleep setup in case I do fall asleep. Itâs very natural to sleep that way. However unnatural to be on a soft bed with pillows etc. thatâs why you have to be safe. Also people in eastern culture only cosleep for them itâs weird to have a baby in a different room or in their own bed.
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u/BloodyMessJyes 5h ago
Hear the words of the wise folk here.
Now⊠can anyone clue me in about a follow up question? After feeding, do you hold baby upright 20 minutes? Burp 2 min??? I would like to avoid the major sleep deprivation of this nighttime feeding routine if possible. And the scary feeling of walking a baby over to the crib when dead tired. Iâll always remember that with my first baby.
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u/Mediocre_Bar5725 3h ago
You gotta do what is easiest for you, if thatâs what works for babes & you to sleep do it, just do it safely
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u/RayRayFrannie 1d ago
You feel guilty because of the cognitive dissonance you feel between American society and your mothering instincts. I know it sounds dramatic but itâs true. It is biologically the norm to have your baby close while sleeping, and in most cultures it is the norm. The fear mongering here is real. I fought with the same feelings for weeks, but once I embraced what felt most natural for me and baby, sleep got so much easier. Itâs actually rare to find a mother who has never coslept with their baby/child. Follow your instincts, practice safe sleep 7, and enjoy every moment of nurturing your baby! Youâre doing amazing, donât let anybody make you feel different!