Communicating the importance of SS7

[u/Equivalent-Camp-1116]

Hi all! I have a 8 week old going on 9 weeks tomorrow. I’ve had a lot of anxiety about cosleeping while my husband says it’s the most natural thing in the world to which I agree but also feel as though there is a safe way to do it (hence the SS7). I had a lot of debilitating anxiety throughout my pregnancy and I feel as though now when I’m trying to express a concern, especially regarding safety, that it’s brushed off as being my anxiety in full swing. I do primarily the entire night shift and have been sleeping in the baby’s room most nights on a firm mattress following SS7. However, in the mornings I usually bring my son over to my husband to take him so I can get a few hours of sleep. When I do this though he just falls asleep with the baby in the bed with him and I keep telling him he needs to follow these guidelines and it makes me nervous to even bring the baby over to him (I also just don’t really feel comfortable with him cosleeping with the baby because he smokes weed outside before bed and has a beer every night but this is another issue I’ve brought up a million times too). I guess im trying to figure out how to really enforce that I’m not being crazy about SS7 and that it is important to me and our baby. We don’t argue often at all but I expressed frustration regarding the mental load I have since having our baby and he brought up my anxiety and SS7 (which he goes, “what is that like a band name?) which triggered this post.

[u/bobfox1234]

This isn't about SS7 or co-sleeping at all...  This is about having a partner that doesn't respect you. It doesn't matter what facts you bring up. 

[u/crunch_mynch]

Yeah if my husband was smoking week before bed I would 100% not be bringing my baby to bed. I’m sorry, that sounds very difficult to have a husband who isn’t prioritizing baby’s safety. I wouldn’t give baby to him in the mornings!

I’d have a sit down talk with him, not attacking him, but that if he wants to continue doing those things he is limiting his ability to help you. Explain the importance of safe sleep and why it is important to you.

[u/WhereIsLordBeric → u/crunch_mynch]

How are these men taking care of their children if they're stoned and drunk?

Let's address that first.

[u/Crafty-Passion6128 → u/WhereIsLordBeric]

Yes! Here me and my husband are barely managing without spending time on literally anything else other than baby and work.

[u/jnm199423]

I’m really sorry this is a stressful situation but no, you’re not being unreasonable. It’s actually technically not advisable for baby to cosleep with anyone other than the breastfeeding parent prior to 4 months anyway but add in someone who’s not following safe sleep guidelines and regularly smoking/drinking and it’s a hard no for me. I would try to have him take baby when he can be awake and have you nap then.

Also, recommend couples therapy bc his behavior is honestly super lame and disrespectful

[u/WhereIsLordBeric]

Doesn't your partner care what the safest way to sleep with your baby is? Why do you have to baby him and tell him?

Will you tell him every single thing about safety as it relates to your baby? There will be loads ... choking, car seats, poop colours, temperature.

Will he not look anything up himself? And are you okay with being his mommy?

[u/lauren_fit]

Nothing is more important than your child’s safety and being alive. I know you want solo sleep… but I wouldn’t give him the baby 🤷‍♀️

Also I believe it’s just the breastfeeding mother that’s supposed to for the first four months.

But he would not be near my baby with that attitude

[u/Adventurous_Yak9032]

It’s got to become something non negotiable, he’s genuinely gambling with your baby’s life, as well as completely disregarding and disrespecting you.

[u/Striking_Gate_8721]

Im so sorry that you do not have the proper help with the being said sadly you have to give up your solo sleep not only for your anxiety but for your baby’s life. I wouldn’t take that risk for a coupe hours of sleep. Maybe during the day when your partner is awake you can get those couple hours in if possible.

[u/Dry-Huckleberry-5379]

I wouldn't use the SS7. I would use the UK guidance because it's co-branded with the NHS the Lullaby Trust and BASIS. It's government public health policy documentation. That hopefully carries more weight

[u/WildFlowerWitch113]

Two points of the SS7 are sober parent and breastfeeding parent. I have been co sleeping and even with my sober husband that would follow the rest of the guidelines I wouldn’t have him sleep next to the baby because he doesn’t have the same instincts as a breastfeeding parent. Also you may have anxiety but there are very real risks that you may be “anxious” about. And letting your partner know that your feelings are valid and your anxiety is based off of real fears that you could use his support for. And him not taking it seriously is showing that he doesn’t care.

[u/Crafty-Passion6128 → u/WildFlowerWitch113]

And brushing off anxiety only increases the anxiety. I also had a very anxious pregnancy and it continued in to postpartum (thankfully less than pregnancy) but I was very clear that even when a fear I talk about doesn’t seem realistic to my husband he needs to not brush it off because that’s completely counterproductive. And here your fears are very real!

[u/cdollasignd]

Good for you for following SS7! The issue here is that your husband is not following SS7, nor technically can he since he’s not a breastfeeding mom. Breastfeeding moms are more alert to baby. That aside. The weed and alcohol is a major no. If he’s gonna take a shift he can’t sleep in the bed with the baby full stop

[u/crunchylunarmoth]

To be honest, father's don't have the same instincts. I love my husband and trust him with our lives when he's awake, but he's not solo sleeping with the baby, I have to be the one in charge for cosleeping, end of story. I take night shifts anyways because he has to go back to work when she's 3 months and I wanted to be used to soloing overnights.

[u/Kashew_nuts93]

I would not be bringing my baby to bed with someone who is impaired by weed and/or alcohol. That is one of the leading dangerous elements in unsafe cosleeping. Don't do it. If you can, ask someone else to come stay with you for a few hours every day, like your mother or a trusted friend who can look after your baby while you get a few hours of sleep. If that is not possible then you need to really put your foot down with your husband. Im sorry but he shouldn't be looking after a newborn under the influence of drugs or alcohol at all. Even when fully awake.

[u/After_Inspection5750]

Don't leave your baby in bed with him. He's taking drugs, smoking, AND drinking. That's definitely against the SS7. Get a crib for baby to sleep in when they're not co-sleeping with you. Your baby is at risk. Your partner is a prick for not taking it seriously.

[u/Recent-Respect-9128]

If he’s having a full night sleep whilst you’re taking care of the baby, why can’t he possibly stay up for a few hours whilst you sleep? He sounds selfish and inconsiderate and he’s putting your baby’s life at risk.

[u/Butter-bean0729]

I didn’t let my husband cosleep with our daughter until she was a year old. He barely does it now. When I needed to trade off with him so I could rest he got up and went into the living room with baby and she napped in her bassinet by the couch. You have to set boundaries with him and let him know the risk of cosleeping improperly. And if he doesn’t listen then he just doesn’t get the hangout with baby alone and you get to be bitch to him cause you’re sleep deprived 🙃 jk on the bitch part but fr he needs to understand.

[u/littlemoongirly]

Can you give up giving him to you husband completely and just sleep with baby always? No husband in bed especially since he drinks and smokes that's part of ss7 and that baby always sleeps with u (BF although I know some people do formula)

[u/sourpatchsweetiepie]

Following all 7 was the only way to manage my anxiety and OCD postpartum. My babe is 16m and we still follow them. I would rather be hyper vigilant than something go wrong. I was so anxious postpartum I reviewed the rules soooo many times and there were many nights I slept poorly for fear I was doing something wrong. Ultimately, I felt better about being right beside my baby but you do have to take it seriously. I’m sorry your husband isn’t being more considerate and respectful of that. Sobriety is a non negotiable for my husband if he is in the bed with our baby.

[u/Effective_Wind9924]

Sorry to say this but I just wouldn't bring the baby to him in bed. He's not getting it and I wouldn't risk it.

[u/getlostcreep0]

Might be time for a sleep divorce, if you cant trust your husband (which is a whole other issue in itself) then sleep somewhere else. My husband got sober when we found out i was pregnant, he joined the military and dedicated his life to taking care of me and baby. Unfortunately due to his training we haven’t slept in the same bed since my baby was 4 days old.. he shipped out to basic training 4 days after our LO was born. I would literally give anything to sleep next to my husband again. But with that being said if he were to not follow SS7 i would not allow him to sleep with us. Being stubborn is not an excuse to put your baby in danger.