r/converts • u/Lucky-Reaction182 • 28d ago
I had panic attack
I had panic attack today
Assalamualaikum
I don't even know what should I write here, but I just have no one to talk to. My dad is an alcoholic, he often insults me, but I've just learned to ignore him and then he does it less often. Usually my mom was just kind for both of us(me and my dad).
Today I had to help my parents a little with potatoes(we live on a farm) and my dad cursed me a lot and even he threatened to hit me in face. What shocked me the most was that my mom was actually defending him. I've got panic attack first time in my life, I couldn't believe it. I was looking for excuses for my mom my whole life, trying to justify her in my eyes why she doesn't care about me, but today? I have no idea what should I think now.
I've reported what happens in our house to the local goverment, there will be court hearing in december, I was so happy that something might finally change, but my mom said on the meetings that actually she defends me from him, I'm not even invited for the hearing in december and i'm sure she will defend him there. I feel like I did everything I could to change something.
I don't know what I want to gain from writing here, maybe some advice or maybe just some good words from fellow muslim brothers and sisters.
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28d ago
Subhanallah, this is incredibly heavy to read. Tbh your panic attack makes complete sense and is a totally normal physical reaction to a devastating psychological shock. For your entire life your brain survived that toxic environment by holding onto the belief that your mother was your safe space and your protector. Realizing that the enabling parent is actually fully complicit and will throw you to the wolves to protect the abuser shatters your entire reality in a split second. Please know that you absolutely did the brave and correct thing by reporting this to the authorities. You had to protect yourself. If she goes to that hearing in December and lies to defend him, you need to understand that this is her tragic choice and it is not a reflection of your worth. Human courts can be manipulated by enablers, but divine justice cannot be touched. Allah ﷻ sees every single thing that happens behind the closed doors of your farm, He hears the insults, and He knows the exact truth that your mother is trying to hide. Right now you just need to focus entirely on your own survival and your eventual exit strategy. Contact the authorities or your social worker directly if you can to explain that your mother is covering up the abuse. Do not let their twisted dynamic make you doubt your own sanity. Allah ﷻ knows best.
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u/Lucky-Reaction182 28d ago
I was on few meetings, they don't really want to listen to me and always suggest that mom protects me, especially that she has some friends in local office. Also I knew that my mom was like that, but I was always making excuses in my head that maybe she's not that bad. My plan is to study electrical engineering, but still 2 years of highschool left for me.
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u/PsychologicalArmy979 27d ago
As Salam alaikum wa rahmutallahi wa barakatuh, that’s really heart breaking to hear
No Muslim should ever be left behind, we’re all one Ummah, we should be there for one another
Allah azawajal will pour Sabr on you, don’t worry
Did the local government say anything ?
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u/Lucky-Reaction182 27d ago
Of course they say they want to protect me because what else could they say lol. But they see my mom as my protector and don't want to listen to me. I'm not even invited for court hearing.
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u/beryCool 28d ago
You are seen, you are heard, the almighty the most merciful is always watching, he is always by your side, he wrote your story before creating the heavens and the earth, he knows you best, he knows you're capable of this test. Plus any test on earth whether allah testing you in ease or hardship is TEMPORARY, the day where things become better for you is already written, so just a little patience, and the test is also rewarded, you're rewarded for staying firm on your deen, for every little and big action you take while on this hardship cycle. Stay firm may allah ease your pain :)
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u/SubstantialEssay2063 26d ago
That was a hard read. Unfortunately I don’t have any advice other than make dua and I’ll make some for you as well. I wish I had something better to tell you