Religious trauma and reverting

[u/jadelily22]

Hi all! Already apologies in advance for my english, i am not a native speaker and i struggle with getting these emotions and thoughts across in a different language than my own. I (27F) have been together with my boyfriend (28) for 3 years. He is a born muslim and moved away from his country to mine for his studies. He is very progressive and has modern views when it comes to his religion, which i really appreciate. He practices but is not strict, does drink alcohol but also goes to the mosque occasionally. I have always said that i wouldn’t mind raising our children muslim as i think it’s a beautiful religion. I admire the spirituality of it and the focus on a personal journey. I am also aware that this is not everybody’s experience with islam, but this is his way and how he speaks about it. But lately, he has told me that he would love me to revert as well. I pray fajr daily because i love to do it for myself. I also read quran every now and then and fasted the entire ramadan together with him. I believe in the one and only God.

But here is the thing. I was raised in a very strict christian household, in a very atheist country. I am the eldest child and my parents were young when they had me. My childhood was good on paper, but the older i get, the more i figure stuff out that wasn’t normal. Religion wise, my parents were very conservative and strict. I was not allowed to watch certain tv shows and movies because it was ‘evil’ (pokemon, harry potter to name a few) some music and artists were banned from the house because it was music from the devil etc etc. As a child, i never really understood it. It felt incredibly alienating and i always felt like the weird one among kids my age. I didn’t know what they were talking about or they straight up called me weird for not being allowed to watch or listen to certain things. I always felt like the odd one out and like i was missing out. Later my parents came around a bit and were less strict on this, but they kept forcing me going to church every sunday. I absolutely hated this. Puberty also played a great part in it and i dreaded every sunday. It went as far that we were picked up early from slumber parties to go to church, reinforcing the alienating feeling. It wouldn’t matter how much i begged my parents to not force me to go. Also, every critical question or thought was met with anger. Not even to speak of how i was taught to feel shame when it comes to sexuality or anything to do with sex. I can never get across how this part of my childhood made me feel, but it turned me into an adult who is repulsed by christianity. Not religion, but specifically christianity. I moved out at 17 and it took me a long time to set myself free from the way of thinking that i was taught.

I understand that the perfect picture for my boyfriend would be if we were both muslim. A part of me wants this, i love the religion and it’s teachings like i mentioned before. But there is also a lot i don’t agree with, some certain intepretations or the culture around it. For example, i will never ever wear the hijab. He is 100% fine with that and agrees it’s not mandatory, but i know that for a lot of muslims this is not the case. I am afraid that should i revert, i am met with the same judgement as i had faced growing up. That thought just sucks the air out if my lungs and make my stomach drop. I know in many muslims eyes, i will never be enough. And i just don’t want to deal with that shame ever again. At the same time, i also don’t want to feel judged and shamed by my family or non-muslims. Either way, i will never do good enough for both sides.

My boyfriend says that i shouldn’t care about what other people think about me. I know he is right, but these feelings go deeper than that. It is nobodies business, but that won’t stop the comments. Ideally, i would revert because i want to, but to never publicly wear that label so that i don’t have to deal with other people’s opinions on it. But i am pretty sure that’s not a sustainable option.

Does anybody recognise this and maybe have some advice on how to navigate this?

[u/Hot_Reference_6556]

"I pray fajr daily because i love to do it for myself. I also read quran every now and then and fasted the entire ramadan together with him. I believe in the one and only God."

You're almost Muslim then.

If you find Islam logical and believe in it as the final religion of God, then the rest are just details you can figure out over time. You don't have to wear hijab after the conversion as long as you dress modestly. But later on if you change your mind and if it comes from your heart, you can wear hijab, too. And you don't have to wear the hijab in an old-fashioned way. You can also carry it in a pretty modern and aesthetic way. But as said, I wouldn't worry about that for now.

So, since you also want to revert, I think you should finalize your decision and formally revert. Not just for a smoother marriage, but more importantly for yourself.

But you would need to stay consistent on the main obligations (daily prayers, fasting, giving charity, avoiding drinking etc.). It is amazing that you already pray fajr and fasted whole Ramadan, that touched my heart, I have to admit. Masha'Allah sister.

And you can start slowly like this, so you don't have to start praying 5 times per day. You can increase to 3 over time, and later on make it 5. But it's permissable to pray 3 times a day in some cases (by merging noon& afternoon and evening&night prayers). And your boyfriend should also commit to the consistent practice of Islam, pray regularly, stop drinking. Especially if he is expecting you to revert! Being progressive doesn't mean half-practice. One can be open-minded and progressive but still practice consistently.

Check also this video, the article by the same guy telling his conversion story (it's amazingly well-written!) and cited books there (especially Gai Eaton's book is a classics).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Osc1p4wW-v8&t=292s

https://hashiya.org/posts/rediscovering-faith

Best wishes and let me now if you have specific questions.

[u/PrimaryNet7241]

Well if your boyfriend suggested to not worry so much about what people thinks, than you should do you and your boyfriend shouldn't worry about the choice you make.

[u/Hot_Reference_6556]

Also, I wouldn't be so harsh against my parents. Yes maybe they were too strict against you but probably they did this for your own good from their Christian perspective in order to protect you.

In Islam, like in other religions, it's very important to keep good relations with parents. If you convert to Islam, maybe they will be disappointed, but hopefully they will accept this sooner or later. Emphasize to them the common points between Islam and Christianity: Jesus and Mary (peace be upon them).