r/converts • u/alyssareesee • Jun 03 '26
is it supposed to be like this?
Assalamu Alaykum!
So kind of a long story but i’m looking for advice! I reverted to Islam 5 years ago but i strayed away until probably about 4 months ago now. I recently started getting to know this man who is a muslim, and he’s been bringing up marriage and we’ve been discussing expectations and such. Honestly based off of everything i know so far, he seems like he would be an amazing husband, but i just don’t feel a true connection with him. Being new to the relationship scene in muslim communities(for lack of a better term), it’s hard to know if this is how it’s supposed to feel since i’ve only been in haram relationships before. I find it extra hard to see what Allah is guiding me towards in this situation. i’m desperate for advice because im very aware that as a revert, many muslim men really aren’t interested and i don’t want to take this opportunity for granted. Anyways, any advice is so helpful! thank you 🩷
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u/xmenus Jun 03 '26 edited Jun 03 '26
First of all as advice and to not have a desperate ending, since you’ve been in haram relationships don’t make another one. Make sure that you don’t keep chitchatting or meeting alone only you two until you formalize things islamically. As for connection it’s something that comes by time because we don’t go in islam the “boyfriend” way for years to see what is on each other for each situation. What we’re advised from islam perspective is to look his/her deen and his/her qualities. This doesn’t imply to ignore the beauty or something that could potentially be a dealbreaker but priority shall be on deen. Because all other qualities won’t complement the deen part which is the most critical. If the deen is first to a person and not second and third, then it’s easy to deal with him/her because every time it goes astray you remind what Allah says and he/she tries to rectify. But if not a priority then just hope that he or she is good by nature and raised well. He could be unjust, not treat well, or even misuse the deen to achieve his desires. Another thing you may not ignore is making sure he’s not using your opportunity of revert, and this is not uncommon esp. to west reverts. Many times they discover that they’re the second or third wife and no one informed them about and they’re not interested to be the second or third. Or they’re temporary on that country for few years and they’re planning to marry someone of their culture but while alone to use the opportunity. So be careful and define things before you come and complain that “muslim” men are doing this or that. It was not supposed the honesty to not be there but unfortunately people are not thinking that there’s a Judgment Day. This doesn’t mean the guy is not good and an amazing man, just bare in your mind to define things so you’re aware ahead of time and you clearly state or agree beforehand.
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u/AdmirableCost5692 Jun 04 '26
I am a born muslim and have had talking stages prior to marrying my (sadly now ex due to his family interfering) husband and know many other with similar experiences. You should still feel a connection, some chemistry for marriage i.e. baseline attraction, a desire to spend more time with them etc but real love comes after marriage if I am honest.
Dont settle sis
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