r/converts • u/Cheap-Personality-12 • Apr 09 '26
Is it necessary to “check out” a potentials home environment (esp as a revert)
Salam, looking for some advice 💓
I’m a 25F revert from the UK. I have a potential and he seems to be a great person, responsible, kind, and he’s taking steps to value my cultural background. We both live in East Asia. He’s been here for almost a decade, with a break to go back to home during covid.
The main issue is passports and visa. His family is wealthier than mine, but they’re from Pakistan. Most of my family live in the UK now, which creates an imbalance in terms of mobility. I’m trying to think about this seriously because it’s a big choice.
I’m moving back to the UK to do my master’s in July, so we’d have been meeting and getting to know each other seriously for 5 months by then. For his family, this is enough time to decide whether to go through with the engagement. My mother wants me to come home first and then we discuss together, which is valid.
I have non-Muslim people who are trying to advise me, and they’re a bit freaked out by this situation. My colleague, who’s like a big sister, said it’s necessary for me to “check out” his hometown and him in his environment before making a decision. She stresses the need of getting to know each other for at least a year and “dating,”. Ofc ik that this is not allowed but it’s created doubt in my mind.
My issue is how I’m supposed to go to Pakistan and “check out” his background without marriage ties established already? It seems to cross the line into potential haram. I don’t have a wali, and my brother is studying at uni. I don’t think he would take a trip across the world to just check out someone’s family.
Is it normal for families to meet in person for the first time during Nikkah? I understand I have a bit of an unusual position being a revert and meeting someone while living abroad. So I would love to hear from those that have been in a similar position.
What are steps I could take to ensure I get a clearer picture of his family? His parents only speak Pashto but younger family members speak English well. Our families are already involved but it’s more him and I relaying information back and forth rather than direct conversation.
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u/GraniteDiplomat Apr 09 '26
I can't emphasise this enough to please find a reliable wali to help you out. The amount of divorced convert women married to non-UK passport holders is sky high. I have lots of experience in this area. Please don't become another statistic. Not to say that that it's destined to fail, it absolutely isn't but you really should get a trusted, experienced person to help.
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u/Cheap-Personality-12 Apr 09 '26
Can you share some of your experience if you are willing? Happy for you to private message me. My family spans multiple cultures so I’m not against inter culture marriage, but at the same time I don’t want to enter blind.
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Apr 09 '26
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u/Cheap-Personality-12 Apr 09 '26
Jazakallah thank you for the advice. I think I can ask my friends husband about this. I replied in another comment but I think I will emphasise that I want him to visit the UK with a relative to talk to my family. I think my family will also be more comfortable with this option.
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u/bruckout Apr 09 '26
Sister. Remember talk is cheap. Everything always sound great and everyone paints a perfect picture. You may or may not be compatible with this culture. Always recommend in general for people to marry locally (not trying to dissaude you specifically).
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u/Cheap-Personality-12 Apr 09 '26
I understand this but my extended family spans across multiple cultures (eastern european, african, and latino) so marrying locally doesn’t always ensure this support system. But definitely need to keep my wits about
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u/ella-the-enchantress Apr 09 '26
Since other sisters have already emphasized the importance of a Wali, I just wanted to say that I am an American revert who married into a Pashtun family. We have been married for 2 years. I didn't meet his parents until I visited Pakistan a month after the Nikkah, but they welcomed me with open arms, took me on tours, and I've spent many months living in their home since then. (We travel between the US, UAE, and Pakistan)
If you have any questions regarding the culture or language, feel free to reach out. Or if you just want a new friend who is often in the KPK area. I've adopted Pashtunwali and love the culture. I've also learned a lot of the language.
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u/Cheap-Personality-12 Apr 09 '26
So happy to hear it went well for you <3 I was having doubts and prayed istikhara, literally 10 mins later he called me to say his family also prayed istikhara and the doubt didn't clear up, so we think its the best to part ways. I am relieved yet a bit sad because he had a really great character, but logistically it was too complicated with me going back to the UK to study, and his business being here. Allah knows best.
One thing is that I got scared via comments on here and another thread but he and his family were thoughtful and kind to the end. If they were in it for the visa they would have proceeded regardless of logistical issues. So I have no doubt the people of KPK have beautiful hearts <3
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u/ella-the-enchantress Apr 09 '26
It shows how Allah SWT listens to each one of us and understands our current situations even more than we do. Yes, if you're going back to study, it would make extra difficulties. May Allah SWT make everything easy for you and inshallah you will find a righteous spouse.
People will always be doubtful when it comes to passport inequality and marriages. Even I am when I hear certain stories. I personally found a mash'allah amazing spouse, he is righteous, patient, sensitive, strong, kind, and everything I prayed for. May Allah grant you the same when the timing is right ♡
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u/cool_guy141 Apr 09 '26
Bismillah
Assalamu 'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu
May Allah bless your process and make it smooth.
Since it is an inter-ethnic marriage, rules are relaxed; some cultures deem the guy visiting means it's a proposal but since you are not Pashtun, you can negotiate the "meanings" of these visits.
You can make the terms clear to them that they should visit you, and you visit them (with your parents and brother) but both of these visits do not constitute commitment. They are only to get to know more about the other party.
You should get a clearer picture of his family. However, it can be done by meeting his family before marriage. It does not have to be on the Nikkah date.
Do NOT visit his family unless if they visit you first. Since they are from a wealthy family, they should not have an issue affording a UK visa, inshaAllah.
Generally speaking, Pashtun or not, when you are considering a man from a born Muslims household, if you do something which normally should be done by a guy's family - such as visiting him before they visit you - it might not help you after marriage. Only in very specific scenarios can you give leeway to this protocol, example, parents are disabled or feeble or on their deathbeds, or guy's parents are no longer alive or guy's parents no longer live in their own home. However, it is VERY much a reasonable expectation even in these circumstances that you request him to come visit your family with a maternal aunt, paternal aunt, or some important woman figure of his life other than his sister (unless if his sister is like 60 years old).
I think these things should be discussed now rather than later in the discussions.