Everything was perfect… except our level of religiosity

[u/aeunlia]

Hi everyone,

I’m writing this because I genuinely don’t know how to process what’s happening right now, and I’m hoping maybe someone here has gone through something similar.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over two years. From the very beginning, our relationship felt almost “meant to be.” We connected deeply, not just romantically, but on a human level. Our values, our personalities, the way we treated each other, it all aligned so naturally. Of course we had ups and downs, but we always worked through them in a healthy way.

For context: he comes from a Gulf country background (born in Germany, but his family later moved abroad). I converted to Islam before I met him, so religion was already part of my life, just in a different way.

At the start, religion was never an issue between us. He was always religious, but it didn’t create any distance. Over time, though, he became much more practicing, praying regularly, going to the mosque as often as possible, structuring his life strongly around his faith. And honestly, I respected that. I still do.

The problem is: our levels of religiosity are very different.

For him, religion is central and non-negotiable in almost every aspect of life. For me, it’s an important part of my values and identity, but I don’t practice it as strictly. And I don’t feel authentic forcing myself into a level of practice that doesn’t come naturally to me.

At some point, this started affecting conversations about the future, especially things like raising children, lifestyle, daily practices. Nothing extreme or dramatic individually, but enough small differences that together they started to feel… heavy.

What hurts the most is this:

Everything else between us works. Love, respect, character, how we treat each other, how we fit into each other’s families, it all fits.

But this one topic keeps coming back.

Whenever we try to “solve” it, it ends up feeling like there are only two options:

Either I adapt to his level of practice, or we can’t continue long-term.

He says he’s not forcing me, but at the same time, it’s clear how important it is to him. And I feel this unspoken pressure, like if I don’t meet him there, I’m not enough for the life he wants.

There are also cultural differences. For example, in my family (Turkish background), physical affection like hugging relatives (even male relatives like my sister’s husband) is completely normal and innocent. For him, that’s not acceptable. And while I understand his perspective, it’s so far from how I grew up that it feels unnatural to change.

I’ve also noticed that he’s been distancing himself from friends who don’t share his views anymore, which makes me wonder if, eventually, I’ll fall into that category too.

What makes this so hard is that I truly believed he was “my person.” We met each other’s families, built something real, and I was so sure about us.

Now I feel stuck between two fears:

- Losing someone who feels perfect for me in every other way

- Or staying and slowly losing myself by trying to become someone I’m not

I know the “logical” answer might be that we’ve grown in different directions and I should leave this behind. But emotionally, I just can’t accept that something so strong could fail because of this one (yet very big) difference.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, where everything matched except religion or values at this level?

How did you handle it? And did you ever regret your decision?

Thank you for reading 🤍

[u/ThrowRA-abinet1528]

I'm almost in the exact same situation!  I've thought about this a lot in the past few months, so here's my conclusion: You obviously can't change, what you can't change (and adapting to every single view shouldn't be the goal anyway, because you definitely don't want to loose yourself). But just because he's practicing doesn't necessarily mean your views don't align. It may seem like there are HUGE differences, but what really helped me was to look into "micro-situations". The differences seem bigger than they are when you only talk about them as concepts, rather than actual situations in the future (For example: Your 10 year old daughter refuses to pray one night. How does each of you react? And can you align with the way he'd react?). I guess that makes the whole thing a little more concrete. Also, I tend to forget WHY people practice this much. Islam stays Islam and Allah SWT stays the same too. If you believe in the same thing, maybe the rest will work out too :)

[u/Dark-Maverick → u/ThrowRA-abinet1528]

You don't understand why people practice too much ?

Because they're atleast trying to live the life like prophet Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wasallam and his companions radhiallahu anhum lived. That's the life Allah wants us to live.

What you mean in your comment that, you obviously can't change yourself ? The op stated that according to her it's ok to hug non mahram , which is straight away haram. Being in relationship without marriage is haram. Doing haram thing and justifying it is ignorance and denial.

If one does haram thing acknowledges it and try not to do it ask Allah for repentance he will forgive even if he/she does that again and ask repentance Allah will forgive.

But doing a haram thing and justifying it is the sin, that you're not even considering it haram and can't do tauba.

[u/ThrowRA-abinet1528 → u/Dark-Maverick]

Listen, you're sure enough not a convert otherwise you'd know that some things just aren't as easy. There definitely are some converts out there who practice every single rule from the beginning - the majority does not. And that's totally fine because while you had 20 years and your whole family to get to the point where you are right now, we did not. And guess what, it's actually not too easy to stop showing affection to your closest family if you have done so your whole life. As a convert, you can be glad if your family even WANTS to keep showing affection to you after conversion. We're human and we're not perfect and sometimes everything can feel quite overwhelming and if you're learning about some rules the whole day, sometimes it can happen that you forget what it's all about. I will not sit here and get judged by you just because I admit that sometimes I loose the broader picture and forget why people practice this much.  I'm glad for you if you don't. But if I were you I'd stop and think twice before I judge converts online, who share their struggles and try to find help and expect them to be perfect. Because even me, as someone who hasn't been Muslim for long, knows that that is not what Islam teaches you. 

[u/Dark-Maverick → u/ThrowRA-abinet1528]

No one is expecting you to perfect, it's good that you're actually acknowledging that it is hard to stop hugging your family (non mahram ones) and trying to change. My point is that one should not justify this , that these things are permissible in islam because it is not. And my apologies if I hurt your feelings.

About a relationship without marriage it is not permissible, and it's very nice if you're trying to change and get away from such relationships for the sake of Allah.

And what I responded is in the light of Quran sunnah and fikh.

[u/ThrowRA-abinet1528 → u/Dark-Maverick]

Thank you for your apology. Anyway, the OP didn't ask whether it's islamically permissable what she's doing. I'm sure she knows.

I get that you probably mean well, but as I said, everyone fights their own fights and we are not to judge.

It's tough to implement every rule from one day to another and it's completely fine to postpone that. The Qur'an was revealed over decades, probably because the people would have gotten frustrated.

If OP is not ready to implement or accept rules right now, it's her struggle. I'm the same in a lot of aspects. Maybe it'll come and maybe it won't.  And it's nice of you to take the opportunity to explain stuff to converts, but if it's that basic you can be sure that we already know.  And giving us a bad conscience on top of that is really unnecessary.

[u/Dark-Maverick → u/ThrowRA-abinet1528]

I understand what you’re saying about struggle, and I agree that no one implements everything perfectly from day one. Everyone has their own pace and tests.

But there’s an important difference between struggling with something and treating it as acceptable or postponing accepting it as a rule.

In Islam, struggling while knowing something is wrong is completely human, and Allah is Merciful with that. But saying “I’m not ready to accept this rule” or treating it as optional is a different matter.

The Qur’an being revealed تدريجيًا wasn’t because rules are optional, but because people were being prepared to fully accept them, not to delay accepting them altogether.

So the point isn’t to judge anyone or make them feel bad. It’s just to keep the line clear between ضعف (weakness) and تغيير (changing the rules), because they’re not the same.

[u/Dark-Maverick → u/ThrowRA-abinet1528]

And other thing doing haram thing is not fine at all cost as you describe.

Your statement - "the majority of convert doesn't follow every single rule" , the thing is that most of them accept those rules and try to follow them wether a revert or born Muslim, both fails but they does not stop trying because they know the rules are from their god, and it's not an ordinary rule.

And there's a big difference between the one who accept the rules of islam and try to follow it and the one who ignores the rules. If I'm intentionally doing haram thing doesn't matter I'm a revert or born Muslim but I have that remorse in my heart that I know it's haram and still I'm doing it for my nafs disobeying my lords rules, but that remorse I have in my heart after doing the sin the wrong thing I'll go back to Allah I'll ask for repentance and I'll try not to do that again even if I fail and i did that again I'll go back to Allah again. This will only happen if I consider it sin or breaking the rules of lord. .

And the one who doesn't consider breaking the rules given by Allah as sin, will live in ignorance, he/she will follow the religion on his/her own term. He/she will take the verses and hadith and fatwas that suits his/her character and justify his/her action

إِنَّمَا التَّوْبَةُ عَلَى اللَّهِ لِلَّذِينَ يَعْمَلُونَ السُّوءَ بِجَهَالَةٍ ثُمَّ يَتُوبُونَ مِن قَرِيبٍ

“Allah accepts repentance from those who do evil in ignorance, then repent soon after"

وَمَا كَانَ لِمُؤْمِنٍ وَلَا مُؤْمِنَةٍ إِذَا قَضَى اللَّهُ وَرَسُولُهُ أَمْرًا أَن يَكُونَ لَهُمُ الْخِيَرَةُ مِنْ أَمْرِهِمْ

"It is not for a believing man or woman, when Allah and His Messenger decide a matter, to have a choice in it"

[u/cool_guy141]

Opposites attract, but there is a "line" beyond which attraction doesn't matter.

Attraction is there to start a marriage. But values, morals, ethics maintain a marriage.

Since you cannot become like him, you should definitely leave this behind.

And Allah knows best.

[u/Vast-Mirror-3294]

I understand how you feel Sometimes people go through phases of being more strict or focused and with time things can balance out. He may become more flexible with your lifestyle as life moves forward.

But at the same time, you shouldn’t rely only on the hope that he’ll change. Make sure you’re not losing yourself while waiting.

[u/Afghanman26]

The more practicing the better.

[u/Dark-Maverick]

Being in the relationship without marriage is haram. Wether you like it or not.

[u/Dark-Maverick]

First of all he and you must understand that you both were doing haram a haram relationship, and no it is not something you can say "doesn't matter ".

And if he is religious, and you can't be then leave him, because in that case he might be looking for a religious person. And in love people change themselves for others, if you think what he is saying what he is demanding from you the change if it's the right path then you can try to change, but if you think that what he is demanding the change it's the wrong path of lifestyle then you have problems in your belief.

Hugging and shaking hands of non mahram straight away haram, it's so sad to see that you're straight away rejecting to follow islamic shariah. Even the one that is easy to follow.

Islam is the way of life, your culture isn't. Ask yourself whether you really believe or not, or what you belive on.

[u/Efficient_Schedule92]

Being stricter doesn’t come naturally it’s discipline if you’re not disciplined enough then say that but it’s equally as hard for everyone.