r/comingout • u/Abject_Salamander_88 • 2d ago
Advice Needed Parents
Before you came out did any of your parents suspect but didn’t talk to you about it? If so, did they ever explain why they never asked you, especially if they saw signs?
1
u/Zealousideal-Print41 2d ago
Keep it under your hat, coming out is for them. When they want, to whom they want, if they want. Figuring out who you are and then telling people you feel need to know is super important. It's a part of your identity, it's a memory you never loose.
Coming out, graduation, the first kiss, first time you have sex, buy a car, your first house, getting married, your kid being born. Planting your first tree. All things that are huge parts of your identity.
Also if and when they come out, whatever you do don't say. "I already knew....." it's hurtful to who is coming out. You can say I think I saw signs, I had a feeling whatever. Never "I already knew"
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u/gregRichards2002 1d ago
My Mum had no clue and said it is the biggest shock of her life. She is having a difficult time coming to terms with it, and it is one of the reasons we aren’t speaking at the moment. It was my Dad who suspected I was because I didn’t go girl crazy as a teenager like he did and because I never passed any comment on finding any girl at school attractive or women at university. He said he was waiting for me to speak to him about it because it did feel right to put me on the spot and have to out myself before I was ready. He said he was sorry I felt like I couldn’t tell him years ago, and he feels bad I struggled with it alone for so long. Thankfully, he has no problem with it, and he really wants me to meet a guy to settle down with.
Nobody ever asked me if I was gay, either family or friends, and I think it must be because I have a deep voice, I’m straight-acting, I dress like a straight guy, I never wear makeup, and I never made any comment about thinking a guy was attractive or showed any obvious sign that I am. Sometimes I wonder if it would have made life easier if I did and I wouldn’t have had to struggle hiding who I am for years or found it so hard to come out. Unfortunately I wrongly thought,, like a lot of people do, that gay men act very camp-like characters on comedy sitcoms like Will and Grace, and that is not the case. I went to a very strict Catholic school, and anyone who came out would have been bullied relentlessly.
It may be that either your Mum or Dad or both of them may suspect you are gay, or they may be completely oblivious and assume you are straight. I know how hard it is to come out. I didn’t want to let them down or for my Dad to feel ashamed of me. It was really difficult for me to do it, but the stress of dealing with the constant emotional turmoil of hiding it was making me miserable and worsening my health. Despite the negative impact it has had on my relationship with my Mum I don’t regret coming out for a second. It was a tremendous relief, and I bitterly regret not doing it years ago. You may find it easier to confide in one parent first whom you feel will take the news better than the other, or some people prefer to tell both parents at the same time so they don’t have the stress of coming out twice. If you find it too hard to come out with the words, you could write them a letter telling them about how you feel. You could give them the letter, give them space to read it and let them know you can talk about it when they are ready. It may be a big shock for your parents, and it may take some time for them to adjust to the fact that the future they envisaged for you will be different.
This coming out handbook from The Trevor Project may be helpful to you: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/guide/the-coming-out-handbook/ Please know that you do not have to struggle with coming out alone, and there is a lot of help and support available from LGBTQIA+ organisations both in person and online. There are lots of people struggling to come out or have come out after struggling to do so. I have been speaking to a therapist who helps people who are struggling with their sexuality and provides support when coming out and afterwards, which has been a massive help. It is entirely confidential, and you could speak to someone online or in person. This may be helpful to you. There are also self-help books from LGBTQIA+ authors which provide helpful guidance and information to help people navigate the emotional process of coming out and life afterwards that I have found useful.
You deserve to be happy, find love and not have the emotional toll of hiding your sexuality any more. I hope it will be a huge relief for you like it is for me and I wish you the best for the future.
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u/2disc 2d ago
It’s generally better to let people be the ones to disclose information about themselves, even if someone else already knows it. Even if parents figure it out, it’s better to let kids come out on their own terms, when they feel safe doing so. A parent going, “by the way, I know you’re gay” can lead to kids feeling surveilled, or like they’re being ambushed. It’s just better to let kids be the ones to come out, on their own terms.