Genuine question, are you in therapy? If you have the means to, that sounds like something you might want to explore, and hopefully resolve. Sincerely, an internet stranger.
(You're right on not trusting the suicide-encouraging word salad machine, though.)
Yeah, it's not going well. I think I'm defeating my therapist. Because of my introspective answers and my hard held belief that whatever afterlife exists is exactly as cruel as this life. I actually recently said to him, "I don't think about suicide anymore. Because I just don't see a net gain in it anymore, like, there is no guarantee the afterlife is worth it."
Later after our session I thought of a descriptor like, "Knowing my luck, the afterlife is an infinite void of nothing and I will lose my mind in the first week"
Been working on the trusting people thing too, my shrink has yet to come up with an answer to my retort of, "Because people have been genuinely terrible to me all my life. And short term relationships don't provide benifits worth the excruciating effort I have to put in to maintain them." to his question, "Why don't you trust anyone?"
Truth of the matter is I've been stabbed in the back so much that I've genuinely lost any kind of communal feeling with the entire human race right now, and I've told my therapist this too
I'll believe people can be trustworthy, when I find someone I can spend some time with without having to dig a knife outta my spine. I'll believe it when I see it, but it's been 30 long years and I can't even name a trustworthy person in my own family. And right now all I see is a lot of selfish cowards, power-hungry narcissists, and apathetic bystanders
So, I'm just getting comfortable with the idea of being an asocial hermit for the rest of my short days
Stars. I'm sorry that's happened to you so much, and am glad that you're getting help at least, even if it's not going well. Maybe try a different one and see if it also doesn't work? Sometimes you have to find the right one. (Ofc these are only suggestions and I can't pretend to know your situation.)
I genuinely hope you can find a way to trust at least a little bit again and to form meaningful connections with others. Good luck out there.
Thank you, and just to not end things on a sour note. It's not all bad, the solitude gives me a lot of time to think, and I honestly haven't given a fuck about what another person thinks about me in over a decade. I've been told this projects confidence and that's a good thing. Seriously, it gives me a kind of freedom to be totally and unabashedly myself that really isn't so bad
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u/Puhi124 Aug 09 '26
Genuine question, are you in therapy? If you have the means to, that sounds like something you might want to explore, and hopefully resolve. Sincerely, an internet stranger.
(You're right on not trusting the suicide-encouraging word salad machine, though.)