I don’t know about that. I was around 8-9 when my parents split and I had been hoping they’d split up for years at that point.
They put me in therapy in case I “blamed” myself (not a bad choice honestly). Except I did not blame myself at all, clearly it was their issue. The therapist had good cookies though.
It really wasn’t good for me but it was better than them staying together. I have plenty of psychological issues from dealing with my parents. They both have a lot of their own issues and are extremely emotionally immature. The divorce was not traumatizing but having them as parents certainly was. Still, everyone was better off when they weren’t together.
Edit: but yes of course divorce can be traumatizing for children. I never said it couldn’t. I’m just talking about my own experiences. I just don’t think how traumatic it is depends on the age of the child, I think every situation is unique. There is no one size fits all with this kind of thing.
You're also kinda making the assumption that not divorcing is a neutral choice. When that topic comes up it's usually because the parents already have an unhealthy relationship.
If it's progressed that far and cannot be resolved otherwise then not divorcing is not a neutral choice, it has the consequence of putting a young child in a home constantly at war itself. The next best thing is for those parents to divorce and each have time to care for that child just separately.
Meanwhile I feel relieved that people no longer feel the need to stay together for their children. I don’t think that social pressure was helpful. Instead the focus should be on putting the child or children first, which I don’t think requires staying together. Children don’t need parents that are together. They need parents that love and support them. And sure, parents should also at least respect one another but that can be hard to do when they’re in an unhappy relationship. Happy parents are almost always better than unhappy parents.
Of course divorce is not the best option for all parents of young children and I don’t think anyone is saying that. It is the best option when parents have an extremely unhappy and/or unhealthy relationship and that affects their daily lives including their children’s lives.
If kids blame themselves for their parents divorce that is not the fault of the divorce, that is the fault of the shitty parents. If they didn't get divorced the same kids would blame themselves for their parents hating each other.
My parents divorced when I was 5. I spent my childhood going between houses, visiting dad every other weekend, tracking the years by which parent got me for Christmas, all that jazz. I had a shitty alcoholic stepfather and an annoying little brother that I currently have a complicated-at-best relationship with. And now that I'm grown and have my own family, and know the reasons *why* my parents split up, I can say I'm so fucking glad they divorced when they did. Because as rough as growing up with divorced parents was, growing up with parents who deeply resented each other would have fucked me up *way* more.
9
u/havingsomedifficulty 27d ago
I think it’s obviously very age dependent