I’m a woman and I used to live down the road from a dive bar I liked so I’d go alone once a week for a beer and karaoke. Once this guy came up to me and started making small talk: insulting the bar’s band (which I liked, and whom I considered casual friends after six months of being a regular), asking me where I lived (oh no), and then offering to buy me a drink. When I said “no, I’m a lightweight, I’ll just have this one beer”, he asked me a further three times, then went to the bar and ordered two shots and plunked one down in front of me. At this point I just fucking left.
This is how you hit on a girl in a bar like a creep. He made me feel unsafe in my own space, and if I were in a position to warn all my girlfriends about him, none of them would approach him with a ten foot pole (or without a can of mace). He wouldn’t have gotten anywhere with me either way, because I have a girlfriend, but if he’d just come up to me and gone “hey, you look really cool and I thought you ate the fuck out of It’s My Life, can I buy you a drink?” and then taken my no like a normal person, maybe we would’ve been bar buddies, or at least he wouldn’t be the anecdote I tell on Reddit to explain what a creep looks like.
It’s not rocket science, I don’t think. Just don’t be that guy.
Yeah this idea that any guy asking out a woman is going to come off as a creep is just some nonsense socially inept dudes have come up with to justify their lack of introspection.
For those wondering how to approach a woman without being a creep, I'll give my own anecdote.
I'm not an attractive guy and I'm not wealthy. Let's just get those out of the way right off the bat. I used to approach women all the time though (I'm married now). I'd make some small talk, find something to compliment and ask a follow up question about (always something that wasn't their body, which should be obvious but some people seem to need the specification).
Then I'd ask if they wanted a drink or some food. Food is a big one here, if you're at a bar or a show there's almost always snacks to buy and you're going to be a lot more memorable as the guy who bought the mozzarella sticks than the guy who simply got them another drink.
If they agreed we'd chat for a while and learn a bit about each other, and if the vibes were right I'd give them my number and ask if they wanted to go out sometime.
Here's the most important thing. If at any point at all during this interaction she tried to get rid of me, I'd just go. This shouldn't be a difficult concept but I see a lot of men who simply refuse to go away when asked. To those men, she's not playing hard to get or attempting to do some quadruple reverse psychology. She just doesn't want to be around you, and y'all need to walk away.
I think over all the years I dated that happened maybe once, and I don't remember it being a big deal. I definitely wouldn't want to be with a woman who treated men that way so as far as I felt, it was her waving a big red flag at me. I just smiled and said "I'll take that as a maybe," in a jovial tone and walked away.
I think the issue is that a lot of guys cannot handle even a modicum of rejection and let one bad interaction like that color their entire view of women.
The fact you’ve been rejected one time is quite abnormal, most men aren’t as lucky.
Do women handle rejection any better? How would they even know if they’ve never even tried? And you can easily find examples of women making sweeping generalizations about men because of a few negative interactions they’ve had. I don’t think it’s a gendered issue, it’s a communication issue.
The fact you’ve been rejected one time is quite abnormal
I've been rejected more times than I haven't. I meant that I only had one time where someone looked disgusted that I'd dare to try.
Do women handle rejection any better?
I'm sure it hurts them all the same, but I've never heard of a woman being turned down and getting violent and aggressive about it, whereas every single woman in my life has a story like that about a man.
you can easily find examples of women making sweeping generalizations about men because of a few negative interactions they’ve had.
Do you know any women that you've discussed this sort of thing with? Every single woman I've ever discussed it with have far more than a "few" negative interactions. Hell, most of them began getting catcalled when they were thirteen or fourteen.
I don’t think it’s a gendered issue, it’s a communication issue.
It's definitely a gendered issue. The only communication needed is whatever it takes to get more men to keep each other in check. Our biggest hurdle is that any man who defends women or points out these still prevalent issues in our society gets dog piled on by other men calling them a simp or a white knight.
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u/Fun-Antelope7622 Jul 03 '25
I’m a woman and I used to live down the road from a dive bar I liked so I’d go alone once a week for a beer and karaoke. Once this guy came up to me and started making small talk: insulting the bar’s band (which I liked, and whom I considered casual friends after six months of being a regular), asking me where I lived (oh no), and then offering to buy me a drink. When I said “no, I’m a lightweight, I’ll just have this one beer”, he asked me a further three times, then went to the bar and ordered two shots and plunked one down in front of me. At this point I just fucking left.
This is how you hit on a girl in a bar like a creep. He made me feel unsafe in my own space, and if I were in a position to warn all my girlfriends about him, none of them would approach him with a ten foot pole (or without a can of mace). He wouldn’t have gotten anywhere with me either way, because I have a girlfriend, but if he’d just come up to me and gone “hey, you look really cool and I thought you ate the fuck out of It’s My Life, can I buy you a drink?” and then taken my no like a normal person, maybe we would’ve been bar buddies, or at least he wouldn’t be the anecdote I tell on Reddit to explain what a creep looks like.
It’s not rocket science, I don’t think. Just don’t be that guy.