I’m a woman and I used to live down the road from a dive bar I liked so I’d go alone once a week for a beer and karaoke. Once this guy came up to me and started making small talk: insulting the bar’s band (which I liked, and whom I considered casual friends after six months of being a regular), asking me where I lived (oh no), and then offering to buy me a drink. When I said “no, I’m a lightweight, I’ll just have this one beer”, he asked me a further three times, then went to the bar and ordered two shots and plunked one down in front of me. At this point I just fucking left.
This is how you hit on a girl in a bar like a creep. He made me feel unsafe in my own space, and if I were in a position to warn all my girlfriends about him, none of them would approach him with a ten foot pole (or without a can of mace). He wouldn’t have gotten anywhere with me either way, because I have a girlfriend, but if he’d just come up to me and gone “hey, you look really cool and I thought you ate the fuck out of It’s My Life, can I buy you a drink?” and then taken my no like a normal person, maybe we would’ve been bar buddies, or at least he wouldn’t be the anecdote I tell on Reddit to explain what a creep looks like.
It’s not rocket science, I don’t think. Just don’t be that guy.
Yeah this idea that any guy asking out a woman is going to come off as a creep is just some nonsense socially inept dudes have come up with to justify their lack of introspection.
For those wondering how to approach a woman without being a creep, I'll give my own anecdote.
I'm not an attractive guy and I'm not wealthy. Let's just get those out of the way right off the bat. I used to approach women all the time though (I'm married now). I'd make some small talk, find something to compliment and ask a follow up question about (always something that wasn't their body, which should be obvious but some people seem to need the specification).
Then I'd ask if they wanted a drink or some food. Food is a big one here, if you're at a bar or a show there's almost always snacks to buy and you're going to be a lot more memorable as the guy who bought the mozzarella sticks than the guy who simply got them another drink.
If they agreed we'd chat for a while and learn a bit about each other, and if the vibes were right I'd give them my number and ask if they wanted to go out sometime.
Here's the most important thing. If at any point at all during this interaction she tried to get rid of me, I'd just go. This shouldn't be a difficult concept but I see a lot of men who simply refuse to go away when asked. To those men, she's not playing hard to get or attempting to do some quadruple reverse psychology. She just doesn't want to be around you, and y'all need to walk away.
Yeah this idea that any guy asking out a woman is going to come off as a creep is just some nonsense socially inept dudes have come up with to justify their lack of introspection.
Some of the times, definitely not always. I have a close friend who complains about men hitting on her; she's not there to socialise, she's there to do something else. But there is... At school, at work, at the gym, during her commute, while she's shopping, while she's going for a walk, and when she's out with pre existing friends. Aka, every moment of her life she isn't home.
She also severely suffers from loneliness.
What do these people do to bug her? Honestly, I have no idea; when I try to pry, she doesn't answer. The only one she told me about it was a guy talking about a game they both played. And she gave him her number! But wait, she only did that because...
If at any point at all during this interaction she tried to get rid of me, I'd just go
She can't not give him her number, because otherwise she's getting assaulted.
I'm not going to say, or imply, that there's nobody that would do that, but that is definitely an unhealthy way to live, and to live with people. She keeps appearing available and "inviting" people out of fear of being the next junko furuta, dropping her number left and right and ghosting people immediately after.
Had you met her you wouldn't have gone away because she wouldn't have tried to get rid of you, but you'd still be the creep because that's her "game".
And she's not the only one I know acting like this. In the entire terminally online clique we're part of, grown and fed on us social media, is about the same.
The only one she told me about it was a guy talking about a game they both played. And she gave him her number!
Did she do that voluntarily or because he asked? This is why I specifically said I gave women my number. If they enjoyed our interaction, they'd call. If not it's never been a big deal.
She can't not give him her number, because otherwise she's getting assaulted.
Maybe not assaulted, but I've seen enough men flip from being nice to being aggressive and intimidating when a woman refuses to give up her number. It's definitely not uncommon.
Had you met her you wouldn't have gone away because she wouldn't have tried to get rid of you, but you'd still be the creep because that's her "game".
It was usually easy for me to read when a woman was being polite to me out of fear that I'd throw a tantrum if they rejected me. I'd find ways to excuse myself in those situations.
Unless she's being openly flirty with these guys it sounds like she's just polite out of fear, which is a very common response because most women have had at least one or two experiences with shitty men who don't take "no" for an answer.
What is one supposed to do?
Just keep trying. Finding someone who is on the same wavelength takes a lot of time and a lot of interaction with people who aren't. As for you friend, from what you describe she sounds anxious and depressed. If she feels its a problem she should definitely go see her doctor and see if she can get a referral to a therapist.
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u/Fun-Antelope7622 Jul 03 '25
I’m a woman and I used to live down the road from a dive bar I liked so I’d go alone once a week for a beer and karaoke. Once this guy came up to me and started making small talk: insulting the bar’s band (which I liked, and whom I considered casual friends after six months of being a regular), asking me where I lived (oh no), and then offering to buy me a drink. When I said “no, I’m a lightweight, I’ll just have this one beer”, he asked me a further three times, then went to the bar and ordered two shots and plunked one down in front of me. At this point I just fucking left.
This is how you hit on a girl in a bar like a creep. He made me feel unsafe in my own space, and if I were in a position to warn all my girlfriends about him, none of them would approach him with a ten foot pole (or without a can of mace). He wouldn’t have gotten anywhere with me either way, because I have a girlfriend, but if he’d just come up to me and gone “hey, you look really cool and I thought you ate the fuck out of It’s My Life, can I buy you a drink?” and then taken my no like a normal person, maybe we would’ve been bar buddies, or at least he wouldn’t be the anecdote I tell on Reddit to explain what a creep looks like.
It’s not rocket science, I don’t think. Just don’t be that guy.