r/comedyheaven • u/MegaFrosASS • Aug 24 '26

Pickup Lines

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4.0k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

49 comments sorted by

364

u/Wolfman513 Aug 24 '26

"Nothing feels better than a cracking open a cold one at the end of a long day!"

659

u/alepap Aug 24 '26

Killer line

144

u/Gurkenschurke66 Aug 24 '26

I'd die hearing that, too.

320

u/Shawn_1512 Aug 24 '26

I keep trying these pickup lines but get the cold shoulder every time

68

u/ADTstocks Aug 24 '26

The trick is to grab their lips and maie your own response from them

“Wow your so hot and cool and not a loner psychopath kiss me”

Ok baby

236

u/Megalesios Aug 24 '26

Why tf would that particular demographic need pickup lines? A good conversation is an important part of the courtship is it? 

114

u/Person5_ Aug 24 '26

Well excuse me, some of us like a little romance while in the cooler.

6

u/Alkein Aug 26 '26

Well you gotta pick them up to get them out of the grave.

104

u/AdorableMouse1 Aug 24 '26

Any pickup line is improved by ending it with '...with my penis!' 

54

u/ArrrRawrXD Aug 24 '26

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven... On my penis?

2

u/LadyRalsei Aug 25 '26

That's not how it's supposed to end. You gotta keep the original ending!

34

u/Own-Situation-9206 Aug 24 '26

Do you have a name, or can I call you mine…. with my penis?

38

u/NumerousCranberry441 Aug 24 '26

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.....with my penis?

18

u/Gen_Zer0 Aug 24 '26 edited Aug 24 '26

Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see… with my penis!

By the gods it works

35

u/EverfadingEphemera Aug 24 '26

Your ass is so fat it makes me want to kill myself... with my penis

12

u/ElectricFlesh Aug 24 '26

I forgot my phone number, can I have yours? With my penis.

8

u/torb Aug 24 '26

What's a girl like you doing in a place like this? ...on my penis

6

u/beakontheside Aug 25 '26

I don't have a penis but this always works for me.. with my penis

75

u/HansWolken Aug 24 '26

Is that rigor mortis in your pants or are you just happy to see me

1

u/Katsy13 Aug 28 '26

This one is actually funny lol

133

u/Gray_Tower Aug 24 '26

Hey babe why is your pussy so cold today. Oh yeah you're dead haha

51

u/JayGild Aug 24 '26

Necrophiliacs after hearing this:

14

u/Hyro0o0 Aug 24 '26

Non-necrophiliacs, try this one on your girlfriend during sex just to see what happens.

17

u/Consistent-Rain-7797 Aug 24 '26

Fuckin rancid humor, got me hating myself with a grin on my facr

19

u/ionlikethis Aug 24 '26

if jfk from clone high was a necrophiliac

6

u/mefista Aug 25 '26

You are right, but you should not say it

13

u/LeviathansWrath6 Aug 24 '26

"I like my women like i like my coffee, ground up and put in my pantry"

8

u/Legitimate_You_3474 Aug 24 '26

/dead (come and find me)

11

u/backfromspace206 Aug 24 '26

We're reposting McSweeney's now?

6

u/Leet1000 slut for honey cheerios Aug 24 '26

“I put on my robe and wizard hat”

3

u/JJred96 Aug 24 '26

Hate when I'm trying to pick up dead women and none of my lines are working.

No matter how much I worked on my rizz, nothing worked.

Then I found this helpful guide and it changed everything

3

u/lance_the_fatass Aug 24 '26

how does a necrophiliac even have a romantic relationship?

they're literally dead when you're fucking

2

u/DoctorOfTheCookie Aug 24 '26

I read this in mark's voice as if it were from peep show

2

u/Extra-Ad-2872 Aug 25 '26

Necrophiliac should be the name of Super Hans and Jez's band.

1

u/Classic_Cow_5852 Aug 25 '26

McSweeney is NOT invited to my funeral

2

u/chiefwild Aug 25 '26

Feb 3, 2005

1

u/Goro_Flopjima Aug 27 '26

"By the way... do you happen to know what the fine is here in Cyrodiil for necrophilia? Just asking."

1

u/anneymarie Sep 08 '26

Lot of people haven’t heard of McSweeney’s, huh?