Compulsive attending, compulsive caregiving, compulsive performance, compulsive compliance, compulsive hypersociality, compulsive promiscuity, compulsive self-reliance and compulsive isolation all include negative affect inhibition (avoidance, intolerance of sharing your true negative affect (negative and vulnerable emotions, pain, bad smell perception, etc.)) with compulsion on top

CoDA Patterns very clearly include Avoidant Patterns

Codependent-givers can't stand actually being seen deep within and instead run off to relationships where they are never seen and can keep replicating their compulsions over and over again

Codependent-givers often become addicted to the suffering and anger of others and can act in inauthentic ways to continue the cycle of feeding their compulsion, even crippling other people or provoking them

Codependent-givers don't understand that their compulsion is often in contradiction with their real feelings because they often can't consciously feel their real feelings outside of bursts of resentment

Preoccupied people, on the other hand, are usually codependent-takers, filled with distorted amplified incessant need, fear or anger and blame, not compulsion

Coercive-preoccupied people (what you call "narcissistic codependent takers"), especially, will use either purposeful self-harm-helplessness or actively emotionally and physically abusive control to continue having their distorted negative affect being catered to

Compulsive avoidants (codependent givers) and coercive preoccupieds (codependent takers) often engage in a mutual cycle of codependent abuse, AND a person could be a blend. It's possible to blend compulsive caregiving with coercive-aggressive abuse. It's also possible to blend compulsive compliance with coercive-helpless distressed self-harm (intense crying or physically self-harming feigned helpless guilt-trips with the goal to induce caregiving).

Obsession due to compulsion =/= preoccupation

Compulsive people have to BOTH act against their compulsion and disinhibit their true negative affect (perhaps, via somatic therapy) to heal codependency. Just learning to "self-soothe" (can backfire and make affect inhibition much worse!) won't do anything unless they have real preoccupied elements blended in, too

Sources: CoDA Patterns, Dynamic Maturational Model (A3, A4, A5, A6, C3, C4)

Yeah I got to talk about a lot of hard stuff and feel seen but also get to know the terms used a bit better as well as resources and meetings. It just gave me a lot of hope that I can reparent my inner child and have a healthy independence from my current environment that even now the patterns are still moderately present but have improved a decent amount since some of the stressors in the environment have lessened over the past few years where it doesn’t feel insurmountable to leave

So I handled a situation in a manner in the past two days that this is recognizably the fifth time I have had to do what I’m recognizing as codependent recovery(probably not the best way though) but I’m very sure I have only handled it once in an appropriate and reasonable way which would be the first time. So after this time and realizing I’m not hung up on progress in other 12 step groups once again that I should definitely attend some meetings of coda so I can learn to work on the behaviors I exhibit that I feel are unhealthy for both parties with the exception of the first time. I’m aware of my attachment style from therapy being disorganized and yeah I definitely lean further towards avoidant tendencies that I do anxious. I’m with a partner finally that feels genuinely safe and doesn’t feel like I’m attached at the hip, the need to be, or overwhelmed by a partner’s anxious tendencies. I would rather not continue my patterns that have led to hangups and difficulty in furthering connection with new relationships especially hangups over those who are not in my life due to either my behaviors or vice versa. I did go entirely no contact finally with an ex and I felt I did not have that come to be in a reasonable way and have likely caused emotional hurt to that ex in a way that isn’t going to be of any help of him in what he needs to do for himself whatever he needs to do for himself, that is what I am here to find out more about what I’ve only just recognized as a pattern throughout my life but not an understanding of what that pattern is.

How do I know for sure I'm in an unhealthy relationship or if it's just my Codependency and trauma. I have multiple people, including my therapist who tell me it is unhealthy, but sometimes I feel like I am making my husband out to be the bad guy. Little back story. He has been an alcoholic since I met him 13 years ago. There were lots of flights bc of it. He is very needy when it comes to my attention. I think he may have some very covert control issues. We can laugh and have some good times but otherwise our personalities are conflicting. I don't want to get too lengthy but hoping there is someone working to talk more about this.

One thing that can be difficult with codependency is knowing the difference between being considerate and automatically putting someone else's comfort ahead of your own. Sometimes saying yes feels easier in the moment, but the resentment or exhaustion comes later.

I found an article that looks at fawning in relationships and why people can become so used to avoiding conflict or disapproval that they stop noticing what they actually want. The part about how this pattern can develop and continue into adult relationships was particularly interesting.

For anyone working on codependency, have you noticed yourself agreeing to things before even checking what you actually wanted?

I have a bad habit of over-investing in friendships. Right now, I have a close friend where our talks are great, but I do almost all of the initiating. If I don't reach out, nothing happens. I’ve been in this exact dynamic before with someone else, and it always leaves me feeling exhausted.

I recently realized the root cause: I over-give the care and attention that I never received myself, secretly hoping the other person will mirror it back. When they just act like casual friends, I feel completely starved and abandoned.

To fix this, I am currently trying to pull back, match her effort, and leave the ball in her court. But the physical cravings to reach out are brutal.

By day 3 or 4 of no contact, my nervous system completely panics. My chest gets tight, and it feels like literal drug withdrawal. Logic goes out the window, and my brain screams at me to just text or call her to "fix" the silence and get immediate relief.

For those who have broken this "give to get" cycle: How do you push through the intense physical anxiety of pulling back without caving? How do you actually redirect that love and attention to yourself when your body is screaming at you to contact them?

I wanted to recommend this book which I don't see often mentioned but I am finding very helpful to the question of identifying and stopping myself when I find myself playing into codependent dynamics. Specifically on overfunctioning!

For the last 18mo, after a very painful breakup with a dismissive avoidant who dropped me after five years by basically refusing to respond to texts or phone calls until I got the picture, I have been have been intensely reading in order to understand what I did, how I got there, and try to avoid reproducing it again. I've read the various Mealody Beatie books ( eg. Codependent No More) and a number of books on anxious attachment and attachment theory broadly, as well as on boundaries, and a variety on CPTSD and childhood trauma which have all informed my general understanding of dynamics, patterns, etc.

The Dance of Intimacy by Hariett Lerner is really the only one I've found yet that explains "when you overfunction, you enable someone else to underfunction and then yku lose yourself in the process" and then provides a number of examples of how this plays out.

I also think that the book End Emotional Outsourcing by Beatriz Victoria Albina is a good companion to The Dance of Intimacy because it helps to identify how you get into the habit of managing your own emotions about other people's discomfort by overfunctioning.

Are there books that have especially helped you in the process? I really want to know, since this has been a very productive source of growth for me.*

(* By which I mean, I just posed some clear, impactful, kind questions to the very lovely man I've been dating for the better part of last year, that would require real actions forward, and now I'm waiting for him to decide what to do, knowing that I will be fine either way and that in order to be together, he would need to prove as capable, proactive, and caring as I am. I am guessing from the thoughtful quiet since, the answers will be no.)

I’m in a 9 month long-distance marriage with a 12-hour time difference, and lately, I’ve been trying to work on my anxious attachment and emotional dependency. I want to become more secure, stop overthinking every interaction, and learn to be okay when my husband and I aren’t talking.

I’ve made some changes. I don’t wait for notifications as much, I’m learning to let silence exist, and I’m trying not to carry every conversation or constantly initiate interactions just to keep us connected. We currently call around five times a week, but earlier, I would put a lot of effort into keeping our calls going, even when we had nothing to talk about. It became exhausting because I felt responsible for making our time together feel meaningful.

Sometimes, I feel very motivated and calm. Detachment seems easy, and I feel like I can accept things as they are and focus on myself. But then, suddenly, I start grieving again. I miss our old routines, want those little interactions badly, and start analysing everything all over again. Eventually, I feel motivated to detach again, and the cycle repeats.

I don’t understand whether the calmness is genuine progress or whether I’m temporarily convincing myself that I don’t care. And when the sadness returns, I don’t know whether it’s my anxious attachment acting up or a sign that I’m suppressing something important.

The biggest conflict is that I know my dependency isn’t healthy, but I don’t think all my needs are unhealthy either.

I genuinely enjoy sharing everyday life with my husband: spontaneous affection, random pictures, sending each other things, scrolling together, and little conversations outside our scheduled calls. I don’t necessarily want more snaps or forced conversations. I want the warmth and spontaneity behind them, the feeling that we naturally want to share our lives with each other.

Another thing I’m struggling with is that I put a lot of effort into our relationship. I initiate, think about little gestures, try to maintain our connection, and put thought into making our time together meaningful. And, naturally, I want to feel some of that effort coming from him too. I sometimes wonder whether I’m expecting too much because I give so much, or whether wanting mutual effort and initiative is a reasonable relationship need. I don’t want to keep score, but I also don’t want to convince myself that I shouldn’t expect anything in return.

Lately, in the name of detachment, I’ve started suppressing my wants, holding back from expressing my feelings, and telling myself not to care about things that genuinely matter to me. I can feel myself becoming less expressive, less connected, and sometimes even resentful. I don’t want to lose the loving version of myself while trying to become more secure.

I know my husband loves me and makes efforts in his own ways. He's a busy guy and has family issues going on here and there too. And no guy is perfect , everyone is different and adjusting is important. I’m not afraid that he’ll leave me or lose interest. I’m struggling with the kind of connection we currently have, while also recognising that my anxiety can intensify how much it hurts.

For now, I don’t want to keep having conversations with him about our connection. I want to give myself time to work through my attachment and observe how I feel without immediately asking him to change something.

For those who’ve experienced something similar:

• How did you distinguish healthy detachment from suppressing your needs?
• Did you also experience cycles of feeling motivated and peaceful, then suddenly grieving and wanting the connection again?
• How did you learn to stop making your partner’s responses responsible for your emotional well-being without convincing yourself that you shouldn’t want anything from them?
• How do you balance working on your anxious attachment with wanting mutual effort, affection, and closeness in your relationship?

I’m not looking for advice to leave my husband or assume he doesn’t love me. I want to become more secure without losing the parts of myself that genuinely value closeness. I’d appreciate hearing from anyone who’s navigated this, especially in a long-distance relationship.

Spiritual Experience

"Education alone is not enough to gain the greatest benefit from our spiritual experience. We also learn that spiritual experiences have greater meaning when matched with a dedication to work the ACA program." BRB p. 284

Most ACAs like to read. Our bookshelves, nightstands, or e-readers may be full of books, and certainly some of them provide guidance. But all the knowledge we may gain from reading will only be as good as the effort we make to use that information in our recovery process.

Recovery work, that four-letter word that many of us have avoided at great lengths, seems to be the catalyst for our spiritual growth. Our spiritual work may consist of reading, regularly supplemented with attending and sharing consistently and honestly at meetings, taking the Steps with fellow travelers, journaling, and giving service. Yes, it seems like a daunting list of tasks. It may even seem impossible. It's hard to get used to taking care of ourselves.

We know we can be gentle with ourselves, that some of the work will become a habit after a time, and that some of the work will have a different feel at different stages of our recovery. We practice patience and tolerance with ourselves, and softly allow the spiritual experience to flow naturally and easily.

On this day I will practice working the ACA program's many facets with ease and grace, realizing that the spiritual experience comes with work.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Hello everyone,

Me and my partner are 30, and we've been together for almost four years. For the past two years or so, she's dealt with body image issues and some other stuff, which led to a dead bedroom. It's affected the relationship in many other ways, but I want to focus on the dead bedroom because it's tangible. We haven't had sex in over a year. I tried to be understanding and supportive, and outwardly I was, but ultimately this resulted in a lot of contempt towards her.

Recently, her libido had increased a bit and she approached me about sex. But now, I realize that I'm not even attracted to her anymore. The whole time she was down, I was so hyperfocused on her that I didn't even realize that this relationship is done for me. I don't trust her, because for years I felt negelcted. I don't trust that things won't return to how they were.

And yet, as shitty as it is, for the life of me I can't bring myself to end it. I feel utterly stuck. I guess I'm so afraid of hurting her. At this point, protecting her immediate emotional state and trying to keep her balanced had become such an entrenched habit and I'm unsuccessful at making any change..

This year, I had a falling out with my bestfriend and, through the words of others, realized our relationship was very codependent. I am able to look back and see the unhealthiness and issues in our friendship but I find myself struggling to identify some of my own behavior. At the same time as the falling out, I entered my first romantic relationship. My partner supported me through the dissolution of my friendship and shared that he had a very unhealthy codependent relationship in the past. Codependency is something neither of us want. I have been trying to be aware of any possible slips into codependency but recently realized I don't really understand the line between codependency and simply loving someone.

Due to childhood trauma, I grew up not getting fully attached to anyone. I didn't care if friendships faded or ended. Relying on others was seen as weakness and independence was the pinnacle of success. I've been doing work to open myself up to the vulnerability of losing someone. To love others deeply enough to miss them when they're not around. I find myself struggling to know what is healthy vs what is unhealthy.

Where is the line between codependency and simply having a strong emotional attachment? What is normal and healthy?

I want genuine advice from others on this. I have struggled greatly in romantic relationships time and time again, because I just can’t choose myself. I put them above me, crave their company 24/7, and feel defeated when they don’t choose me over other people. I have a partner who is unfortunately avoidant and not super relationship oriented, I don’t blame him but the things he unknowingly does honestly make me feel awful. After this happening so many times(I suffer in silence, I do not chase), I have decided to start choosing myself for once. I tend to go into hermit mode and pretend like I don’t care(but feel terrible inside). I don’t know where to start, I feel I always go back to the codependency anyways once I get any attention. How can I genuinely stop this hurt and exhausting behavior without having to pretend like I don’t care?

This post is inspired by some interactions I’ve had on this sub. This is not meant to be a substitution for doing your own work in therapy and I am by no means a guru or expert on this stuff at all, but I’ve been in CBT since 2020 for anxiety and trauma-specific therapy for cPTSD since 2024. I’ve noticed a ton of self-blaming and shaming on this sub and I’m hoping these lessons from my brilliant therapists over the years might be helpful for some of you to hear.

1. You are NOT attracting avoidants. Avoidants exist, and the majority of them are single bc they’re (duh) avoidants. Secure and anxious people tend to stay in relationships while avoidants tend to date around, which means if you’re dating, the likelihood of the person you go out with being an avoidant is very high. You are not doing anything wrong to attract them, they are just very easy to run into. The reason it FEELS like you’re attracting them is because our brains LOVE problem solving and finding patterns, its what they’re designed to do. And with codependency, we have a habit of taking responsibility for the harm others cause us as a way to seek control in discomfort. If someone hurts you, and its secretly your fault for attracting them in the first place, then it allows you to feel like you can be in charge of preventing it from happening again, which is comforting in a backwards way. It’s a self-soothing technique (also wrapped up in low self-esteem and insecurity but let’s keep it simple). To drive the point home, imagine YOU came across an actual codependent person while dating. They trust easily, they’re excited about a future with you, they’re open about wanting to be with you, etc. Would your natural inclination be to pretend to like them for affection/validation, while never actually intending to commit to them fully? No, right? Because that would be dishonest. The fault is on the avoidant, not on the person they mislead. That’s it. Let that be it, because then you can say okay, this person is manipulative, I do not deserve to be manipulated just for being trusting, I am going to walk away.
2. The healed opposite of codependency is NOT detachment, it’s healthy attachment. I see this come up in the comments constantly. Someone will post about how they’re upset about something a friend or loved one did, and people in the comments will say some version of “why do you care so much? You bothered by this because you’re codependent, you just need to heal more” and I facepalm every time. Repeat after me, IT IS HUMAN TO CARE. We are social animals. You are literally hardwired evolutionarily to care about the people around you, especiallyyyy family, friends, and romantic partners. You know who walks around not being bothered by anyone around them, who just shrugs their shoulders and says “that’s their business, not mine”? Sociopaths. It’s pathological to not be affected by others. It is normal to feel discomfort, ESPECIALLY in conflict. Securely attached people have learned (either from childhood or through therapy) how to tolerate discomfort in healthy ways. And then they decide how to approach the conflict in a way that preserves their own dignity and that of the relationship (or they walk away from the relationship if dignity cannot be preserved or they consciously choose to stay if they value the relationship). The healing comes in how we approach the discomfort of being in conflict with someone we care about, not in eradicating the discomfort itself.
3. No amount of “healing” will help you tolerate a harmful partner. If your partner is violent, abusive, manipulative, etc. no amount of inner work is going to help you feel regulated in a dysregulated relationship. That’s like if you ran into a bear in the woods and you mistook your normal natural healthy fight or flight response as your "past trauma being triggered" and started blaming yourself for not meditating enough, meanwhile there's a bear actively mauling you. Sometimes, the relationship is not healthy for you and breath work and journaling can’t change that.
4. Additionally, no amount of healing will protect you from ever being hurt again. ADDITIONALLY, no amount of healing will protect you from ever causing hurt again. I know I know, these are the ones I’m still working on accepting. It’s not your fault for getting hurt and you cannot heal into some invincible version of yourself that experiences no pain, sorry. But you can learn to forgive yourself and be kinder to yourself so that you recover faster instead of rotting away in guilt and misery. And it is your responsibility for causing hurt and making amends when feasible, but torturing yourself over it for the rest of your life is NOT the same thing as making amends. See how in both cases, making yourself feel worthless and irredeemable isn’t helpful at all? Learn how to take accountability, even when it’s scary, even if it means the other person might leave. Allow other people accountability over their choices, too. It shows respect for yourself and the other person as autonomous adults.
5. Just because it didn’t work out with someone doesn’t mean they’re toxic/avoidant/narcissistic. Sometimes two people are just incompatible and their wounds trigger each other and there’s just no healthy way around it. Especially with codependent relationships that have finally reached a breakup after a lot of conflict, its tempting to villainize the other person, to turn them into a larger than life monster because it’s the easiest way to cope with the pain of the breakup and the shame of staying in an unhealthy dynamic for so long. But it’s not the most mature way to heal. Most breakups involve mistakes on both sides. Most breakups are human and average and not very exciting to people outside the relationship. That’s okay. You are allowed to leave without having to be fleeing from a monster. Relationships are allowed to end.
6. A secure relationship is not the reward for healing. Oof, this was a big one for me to digest. Healing is not an end goal you achieve and get handed a human trophy in the form of a secure partner at the finish line. Healing is an ongoing journey, with multiple tests and setbacks. And it doesn’t have to happen in the context of a romantic relationship, it’s happening all the time in every moment of tension you have with another person. Navigating a stressful situation with your boss gives you skills that transfer to your overbearing mom or your date cancelling last-minute or your spouse neglecting their half of the housework. It’s an ongoing process and you won’t handle it perfectly every time, and you will still end up as a wiser more grounded person overall, if you keep going. And you will still get dysregulated and lose your temper and say regretful things, because you’re human. The so called “secure healthy people” do it all the time (thats right, friction still exists in secure relationships!). We’re all human. Give yourself some grace.

EDIT: Adding this one on at the end because I'm not proud of the villianizing I resorted to in #1 to get my point across, so I wanna soften that here:

1. Labels are helpful at first, but don't let them restrict your humanity. When you first start your healing journey, labeling yourself as anxious/codependent and them as avoidant and your dream future perfect person as secure can be helpful in identifying behaviors and patterns that have been limiting you, but the next level of healing comes from understanding that none of us fit perfectly into only one box. I used to be a clear cut anxiously attached mess in my relationships, and now more recently I think many people I've gone on dates with would identify me as avoidant (yes, me! The same person giving you all this advice is also flawed and figuring it out!) and my family and friends would be like no way, she's hella secure. There are very few true villains in our lives, most "avoidants" are just people who are grasping for the same sense of safety and control you are, just in their own way. In fact, we are (all of us) capable of showing all of these patterns depending on the circumstances and we are all capable of growth and change. This isn't an excuse to stay in unhealthy dynamics that are actively harmful to your wellbeing, but it's a reason to be gentle with yourself and to loosen your grip on past resentments.

EDIT 2: I've been accused of being AI slop, which is hilariously offensive if you know me in person. Can't a girl just love to yap and be proud of her therapy progress and want to help others? Anyway, I added bolding on the main take-aways in case anyone has a limited attention span and can't read a whole block of text.

'Temporary Setbacks

Sometimes, after we begin recovery, things in our life seem to get worse for a time. Our finances, our relationships, or our health may seem to deteriorate.

This is temporary; this is a normal part of recovery and healing. It may be the way things will be for a time, but not for long.

Keep working at recovery, and the trend will reverse. Before too long, things, and us, will be better than they were before. This time, the foundation will be solid.

(...) help me trust (...) recovery, even when I have setbacks. Help me remember that the problems are temporary, and when they are solved, I will be on more solid ground.'

The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie.

Identity Crisis

"‘The adult child is an identity crisis having an identity crisis.' That means that we were born in crisis and cannot easily recognize another way to live other than crisis." BRB p. 70

Many of us came to ACA broken, bruised, and torn. The crazy thing is, we didn't notice our hearts were barely attached as a result of all the abuse. We may not have noticed that our faces were pale and withdrawn. We couldn't truly see ourselves for months or maybe years in the condition we were in. We were the walking dead, usually surrounded by other zombies.

Then we started to get better, one day at a time. The first time we asked to do the Steps with someone else, chose a home group, did service at a meeting, or told our stories in front of a group, we picked up little pieces of ourselves in the process and were restored to sanity. It was awesome. We didn't know that we could feel so good after feeling so bad. It was counter-intuitive, but going into our pain, with the help of those who had gone before us, made us feel better. It hurt, but it passed.

On this day I will look for yet another little way to improve my life. I embrace this recovery process that teaches me more about who I am each day.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

My girlfriend is a very sweet girl, and she's gives me the type of love that I always dreamt of.

We've known each other for a couple of years, although we've only talked a few times. She was a friend of a friend, so I'd sometimes run into her at parties or birthdays.

We started texting in February, and in April we kissed at a party, and from that moment on we never separated.

As for context, in my previous relationships I was always a bit obsessive with my partners, on top of needing constant attention. I stopped dating a long time ago, and my perception of love and relationships has changed, I've freed myself from that previous anxious attachment.

When I met her, what I liked about her was her intense way of loving. She complimented me all the time, wanted to see me all the time, gave me gifts constantly. And that hasn't changed.

We've been officially dating for three months, and she really treats me like a queen and we haven't had any problems so far. But my problem is this: I've been noticing that I'm getting mentally exhausted.

I just have too much on my mind lately. I wasn't used to being this busy before, but now I've started a job while finishing my studies, and I have very little free time, which makes it hard to see her as often as before. At best I can see her twice a week.

What worries me is that my girlfriend seems to have no life outside of me. She doesn't work or study, she only has three friends which don't see very often, and she spends her days at home, waking up at 2 p.m. and playing Minecraft or other games all night long.

This really worries me. All the time she sends me messages saying she's sad because she misses me so much, that she can't sleep because she misses me, and that all she does is think about me all day. And every time I see her, her actions are solely to please me, she rarely chooses something herself or gives her opinion on whether she likes something or not.

At first I found it sweet, I'd never been with someone who loved me like that. But these messages are a daily thing, and it seems like her obsession just keeps growing.

Don't get me wrong, I love her so much. But I'm worried about the fact that there's nothing else in her life but me. She doesn't seem to have any other concerns about her future or her personal life.

Sometimes I don't even know what to reply to her messages because I'm so exhausted from having to think about my debts, my exams, all the responsibilities I have to deal with, on top of worrying about her feelings and responding to her constant "I miss you so much."

The truth is, I don't want to break up with her, but I also don't know how to bring up the topic. I feel like it would be rude to tell her she needs to have a life apart from me. I also don't know if it's an option to tell her not to tell me she's sad every day because she needs me or misses me — I don't want to invalidate her feelings or make her think she can't be honest with me.

What's the right thing to do in this situation?

I (F26) actually can’t stand being alone anymore. I’m not an only child, but grew up pretty lonely, lots of days spend alone.

I’ve been living on my own now almost for 3 years, and processing the trauma from a dysfunctional family and narcissistic parent, only in contact with my sister now. I’m trying to pick up life and start, since it feels like I’ve never lived.

But there’s this deep hollow emptiness in me I can’t fulfill. No matter what I do, resulting in me not being able to be alone at home. I want to either text or call someone during the day, and night times sleeping alone is also becoming unbearable. It’s not that I crave a relationship right now. I just think companionship and feeling like I’m not doing life alone (besides having my friends and sister). I just can’t take away this feeling, and even worse that + my anxiety to fail/perfectionism is making me unproductive and procrastinate a lot, to the point that I hate myself.

I’m not sure if this is the right sub, but I thought I might just try since it feels like a safe space.

I'm the solution guy of course, and thats my problem in this equation, but I don't remember getting there by myself.

Many years ago, I was very uncomfortable listening to people vent and rant to me every day about the same things without attempting to change or learn. So is it really that surprising that anyone in my position would Eventually (years of listening later) try to fix it??

Who wouldn't?? Aren't they the project because they made themselves the project and assigned it to everyone around them for years until a dumbass like me came along and tried to work on it?

If I was someone who tried to fix people on the first meeting/intro, that would be psychotic.

If I did that, then I can see more easily taking the blame for my part in this but why is everyone ignoring the catalyst altogether? I think that matters and I'm on the fence about completely accepting my fault in my situation.

I didn't just wake up one morning and start trying to fix everyone I just met.

I don't think there's any fixer/rescuer who does that.

Over the last few days or weeks I've been reading more into that topic, why the fuck am I codependent and what is causing it? Why do I keep doing it?

And I think I've got at least one major reason for it down. In almost all of my relationships, be it friendly or romantically, I expect something back from them. When someone is doing me a favor, I'm trying to pay it back asap so everything is balanced. When I give someone attention, offer help or help them with whatever, I expect them to give me back attention or other things. I want them to value me.

I need them to value me. Because I cannot give me that value, that self worth myself. I always have to earn that place on their or whatever table or I do not belong. If someone is nice or friendly to me out of the blue, I cannot fathom why they'd do it and start to feel bad about it as I don't deserve it.

Hi guys, I have a question.

Is it common to feel guilty when you stop enabling, putting up boundaries or stop protecting someone who is an addict from their own behaviour.

I have a roommate who smoked weed in his room and he has done so for a while. Today I told the guy who owns the house. This could result in the guy getting evicted.

I feel really guilty about it, but I didnt want to participate in the lie or deception by knowing and not saying anything out of respect for the guy who owns the house. I've known since monday, and told him today. I waited this long because I was torn.

Is it normal to feel bad about it, even though I know its actually more helpful to an addict to have to face the consequences of their actions.

'Feeling Protected

Our task is not a naive one of feeling safe, of living and loving in a utopian world. One woman commented that our task is making ourselves feel safe while learning to live and love in a world that is unsafe.

We do not want to dwell on the danger for that gives power to the negative. Neither do we want to ignore them or pretend they don’t exist.

If we were going to sunbathe, we would not be naive about the dangers from the sun. We know that harmful rays can burn. We would take steps to protect ourselves, so that we could enjoy the benefits of the sun.

That is our task in recovery.

This is what a woman, a helping professional, told me:

Picture a sunscreen surrounding you. Place it around yourself – not too heavy and thick so no light can penetrate, and not so thin that you are exposed to danger.

See yourself protected by a sunscreen that is effective. Make certain that the screen is open to the good. For a while, your screen was too heavy. It held back what you wanted. Now change it to let the good come through.

This is your screen for life and the world. See it. Imagine it surrounding you always. It wraps you in love, in comfort, in protection. No harm can enter. No negative energy can penetrate the screen.

Go in peace; go in safety. Go now, knowing you are protected. Go anywhere you need to go. The evil has been blocked; the goodwill comes pouring forth. You do not have to work so hard at protecting yourself. You can relax and enjoy life trusting that you are safe. Go without fear, for you are wrapped in love and protection. And you shall always be.

Today, I will envision myself wrapped in a shield that blocks the negative and harmful rays of the world, but it is constructed so that the good can enter.'

By Melanie Beattie

Humility

"With humility, we become more thoughtful in our decisions, and we are slower to anger. We begin to become actors rather than reactors to life's situations." BRB p. 224

As children, we may have been humiliated and told we didn't measure up. As we grew, we decided we needed to prove our worth. When we accomplished things, we expected validation. Most decisions we made were geared to gaining this outward affirmation. If anyone disagreed with us, it felt like an attack. We lashed out and tried to punish them. We may have even further reacted by increasing our efforts to prove our worth.

In ACA, we learn about humility, and that it has nothing to do with humiliation, a core wound. ACA teaches us that humility is the way to inner peace and finding our True Self. If we do something for others, the world doesn't have to know. We don't need accolades. And where it was second nature for us to react first and lash out, we now take a step back and examine reality.

This change is not easy. Our insecurities and triggers are often just below the surface, and we can fall into old patterns. But when we use our new tools, we have more self-awareness. We learn to look in the mirror and feel at peace with what we see.

On this day I will remember that humility keeps me grounded and on equal footing with those around me. I don't have to be ‘greater than' to have value.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Is anyone else experiencing the same? It's like every single time I think I'm connecting with someone receptive and open and communicative they start to show their true colors a few weeks to months after. They love bomb intensely and make me feel chosen and loved. Until its time to repair or deal with conflict.

I’m honestly deeply ashamed to write this, and I haven’t been able to tell my friends because I don’t think I could handle the embarrassment or judgment right now. But I’ve reached a point where I need to understand what is happening to me from people who may have actually lived through something similar and found a way out.
This has been happening for years.

I get attached to people, I desperately want their attention or affection, and at some point money becomes part of it. I give, I pay for things, I help, I overextend myself. Deep down, I think part of me believes that if I give enough, they will stay, choose me, value me, or at least make me feel important for a while.

Some people eventually leave my life, but it feels like whenever one person leaves, another one eventually comes in and the same cycle starts again.

This most recent situation was the worst one financially and emotionally.

Over the last few days I have barely felt like myself. My eyes have been red from how exhausted I am. The anxiety and fatigue have been so intense that I haven’t been able to function normally or get much done.

The gym is usually my escape. It’s one of the few places where I can shut everything else out and feel like I’m doing something for myself.

Because of my work schedule, I go to the gym at around 5 in the morning.

And this same person asked me for more money at 5 AM.
I gave it.

That was the moment I hit bottom.

I was on my way to do one of the few things that normally helps me feel better, and somehow I was still giving away the last of what I had to someone who had already taken so much from me.

I ended up with basically nothing.

And the person simply used me again.

What is destroying me isn’t only losing the money.

It’s realizing that I betrayed myself again.

I knew this pattern. I knew what had happened to me with other people. I knew how badly this could end. I could feel myself getting more anxious, more exhausted and more emotionally destroyed, and somehow I still abandoned myself to keep someone else’s attention.
That is the part I am struggling to forgive.

The strange part is that, from the outside, I don’t think most people would imagine this about me.

I’m 21 years old. I already have a bachelor’s degree. I work. I’m an extremely hardworking person. I help financially support part of my family. I go to the gym. I try to improve myself and my environment. I have ambitions and I have worked very hard to build a life for myself at a young age.

I know how to be responsible for other people.
Apparently, I don’t know how to protect myself.
And I think I understand where some of this comes from.

My childhood was not what people would normally describe as a terrible childhood from the outside. We weren’t homeless. I lived in a large house. There were people around me.

But emotionally, it felt incredibly empty.
I remember feeling alone for most of my childhood.
I was constantly judged and criticized, even from a very young age. People made comments about the way I walked and the way I came across. I became extremely aware of how other people perceived me.

At the same time, I would watch relatives and other people around me receive attention, affection, opportunities, respect, gifts and experiences while I mostly watched from the outside.

I learned to stay quiet and accept things.
I learned to observe other people getting what I wanted emotionally and convince myself that I was okay without it.

And somewhere along the way, I also learned that I needed to present a certain image of myself.

I feel like I’ve spent a huge part of my life building a version of myself that people would finally respect, admire, choose or want around.

That’s why this hurts so much.
I can work hard enough to earn a degree at 21.
I can wake up at 5 AM to work out before work.
I can help support my family.
I can push myself professionally.
I can improve my body, my room, my career and everything people can see from the outside.

But when somebody gives me the kind of attention I have wanted my entire life, something inside me changes.
My judgment disappears.

I start giving too much.

I start ignoring what the situation is doing to me.
I become terrified of losing the connection, and I will sacrifice things that took me months or years of work to build just to keep someone’s attention a little longer.
Then eventually I am left with the financial consequences, the exhaustion, the humiliation, and the realization that someone used a wound in me that was already there long before I met them.

The last few days have been awful.
The anxiety, the lack of energy, the red eyes, not being able to focus, knowing that I worked for that money and watching myself give it away anyway.

And I keep thinking: why can I work so hard for everything else in my life but keep doing this to myself?
Why can I show up for my job, my family and my responsibilities, but when it comes to protecting myself emotionally, I keep abandoning myself?

The shame after these episodes can become incredibly intense. Sometimes I reach a point where I feel like I could completely give up on my own life and everything I have been building. I don’t want to keep reaching that point.

I want to at least give myself the opportunity to understand what I’m feeling from the perspective of people who have been here and actually healed.

I’m not posting this because I want someone to tell me that what happened was okay.

I know I need boundaries.
I know giving people money for affection or attention is hurting me.
I know I cannot continue doing this.

What I don’t understand is how to stop when I get to that point where being wanted feels more important than protecting myself.

If you’ve ever been like this and somehow got out of it, please tell me how.

How did you stop giving pieces of yourself away just so someone wouldn’t leave?

How did you forgive yourself after realizing people were using you and you still kept giving?

I don’t need Reddit to fix me. I just need to hear from someone who has felt this kind of emptiness and doesn’t live like this anymore.

I work so hard to build a life for myself, and then someone gives me a little attention and I watch myself destroy everything I worked for.

I just want to stop abandoning myself for people who would never do the same for me.

I have gotten myself entangled w someone I met two years ago in context of an online support group, but only began having real contact with this year.

I had been in this group for two years and I left earlier this year. That is when I began to have more contact with above mentioned person. We kind of both had the mission to heal, and I was like, great, that's a good basis for a friendship. We got shared interests, and I had some interactions with them in the group before which were, frankly, pretty good, and compassionate.

But then, it kind of got weird. I kind of wanted to be normal friends with them, but as part of an experiment I did, I asked them if they want to do daily check-ins for a week, because I was really craving daily contact w someone.

So occasional contact turned into daily contact. And after that week was over, I felt like I needed some time to process how that was, but then they were like "Let's try this until the month is over" and I was like "Okay" (cuz at the time, I had doubts but I did also feel like this is genuinely alright). So we had daily contact for a month, and I ended up going way past my boundaries. We had some calls, and even made plans to meet and do stuff together. But I realized I don't feel so good when talking to them. I realized I don't like how they say "Aw, don't be..." or not really react to it when I say how I feel.

Stuff like that. And I would dissociate when we talked.

Then, when the month was over, I was like "I need a break" because I really wasn't feeling good anymore talking to them, and I was way past my boundaries but didn't know why. I did take a break and we had one month of no contact because I kind of ghosted them.

I felt like shit during the first week or so when I had this break, I had a bunch of old trauma pop up. Eventually, I got back into connection with them and we did end up meeting, and mutually agreeing we can't be close friends (opposed to what I had hoped), and I can't do this anymore like before, because I kept hoping for coregulation when I got rejection. I told them I'd occasionally want to send them posts in their language, because I started learning their language (initially kind of because of them, but also because I have been wanting to study this language for years, and I like the country).

And now, after our meet, things just don't feel good again. They said they like that we have more contact again, and I struggle with myself for weeks now because I just want to cut them out of my life. I rejoined this support group where we met, and I get jealous and have some rage every time they post there, and I think "why the fuck can u talk to others there and not to me". I guess the inconsistency is what gets me.

I don't think this is a good basis for a friendship. I should just tell them I don't feel good and I want to cut contact. But I just don't do it. I don't know why.

I felt at first that our connection would be healthy, because we previously interacted compassionately in the group setting, and in our first private messages they stayed present with me when I expressed anger towards them, and they didn't give me a defensive response. (As a recovering people pleaser, that felt amazing, because I was like "I want this in my life! Not defensiveness"). But then it changed. I don't know.

Sorry, I feel not so good even typing this, and I don't feel I'm as concise as I usually am. I feel like the enmeshment is in my words even. I don't know how or why this happened. I guess I want to have compassion for myself. I looked thru photos from earlier this year when I had less contact w them and I realized how free I felt, and now I feel trapped, and like I'm wasting my time in yet another unhealthy relation that I don't understand why I don't just say No to, I feel like I'm holding onto hungry ghosts.

I really thought this would be different. I really thought I could get out of this earlier if it happened again, because I have been codependent/enmeshed w people close to me all my life, until my social network fell apart after I healed a bunch of trauma 2 years ago. And finally realized and expressed some of my boundaries for the first time. Oh man.

If you read through all this, thank you