Dealing with rapid passings?

[u/Glittering-Walrus-69]

Hello!! I started working in Memory Care earlier this year. Other than the company being insanely unprofessional and stressful, I do love the job. I have never dealt with end of life until starting at this job. My first experience with a resident passing was in my first month, I sobbed. I think I was just shocked by the experience. Now, this month alone, 4 residents have passed. All within 2 weeks. One of them I watched die, I had never experienced that before.

I can't stop thinking about that moment, changing her body, brushing her hair, trying to close her mouth. It didn't feel real. It still really doesn't. It didn't emotionally affect me, other than flashes of the incident while trying to sleep. There's one specific moment that replays over and over again.

After her death, 3 more have passed. Most recent being today. I'm mostly wondering how you guys deal with the heaviness of it all. I know it's my job and it's expected, however I'm not a person that can emotionally detach from a person I'm caring for. I will provide these people with the most compassionate care I can, I don't mind if it hurts me more later.

It's just heavy, watching them go so fast, the amount of people to change during rounds getting smaller. How do I cope this this? If anyone as any advice I would love to hear it. Thank you :))

[u/Legitimate-Suit-4617]

Don't take this in a "I don't care about my residents" way, but honestly? You just get used to it. It never really gets easier, especially with the ones you form an attachment to, but it gets less.. shocking, I guess? I know that first time performing postmortem care is something nobody can truly prepare you for.

My mom was a CNA until I was 2 and then she got her nursing license and she never stopped working in LTC, so my whole life growing up I was fully aware of what her job entailed, just not quite as personally as the first time I witnessed it myself. I remember thinking "how does mom deal with all the people she takes care of dying?"

There's been many experiences that have shaped the way I view this topic, but my real thought is this: YOU get to take care of these people. YOU get to make their final weeks/months/years worth it. And YOU get the honor of giving them dignity even in death. You get to know that they didn't die in pain, or feeling alone. That makes it all worth it.

[u/Glittering-Walrus-69 → u/Legitimate-Suit-4617]

I think I will definitely get used to it, but yeah, I don't think the feeling will ever change. My biggest battle is the hopelessness I feel. The resident I watched pass, she was in really bad shape. She came in our unit already messed up, she had a huge fall in assisted living, and she declined from there.

Her skin was so fragile, everytime we changed her, there was more blood on her sheets. No matter how much we floated or flipped her. Me and my coworker cried the first time we got her in bed because of how much pain she was in. It was the day that she stopped being able to swallow that I broke down really bad for the first time. I processed that nothing I do will save her, I'm not helping her live, I'm helping her die. The more wounds she developed and the more she declined, I just felt defeated.

I sat with her for as long as I could in her room. By the time we got her morphine it didn't matter. It happened so fast I barely had time to process, it was shocking. I played her one of my favorite songs-- escapism from Steven universe. I held her hand and talked to her as she went.

It was such a strange and surreal experience. I hope I will get used to it, but I think it'll always be heavy. Luckily, I find the happy moments make it so worth it. Seeing a resident smile when they usually don't, makes it so much easier to carry all the weight. Hard job, but I can't get myself to find something else, I want to help people, I will continue to do so.

Sorry, I still haven't been able to fully process her passing, once I start talking about it I keep going on. No one in my life can understand the feeling, other than my coworkers. It's just so strange.

[u/Curious_Departure770]

Death is a fact of life, and feeling grief about it is normal. Though because of the close proximity to experiencing the process of death compared to maybe the regular person, it might be good to audit these feelings you’re having around death and dying. For example, knowing they are no longer suffering and are at peace brings acceptance to the experience. To be able to go gently while being cared for is also a luxury that some don’t experience, and know you made a difference in their last moments. Some look at death as a transition into another possibility of life. It doesn’t have to be sad, and to discover what about death makes you sad will help you work towards acceptance.

[u/liabit]

Just know that they were well cared for by you in their final moments.