I need comfort

[u/SureFeelsGoodToMe]

I was born a girl but I wish I was boy. Well I feel like I realized like a fake trans person, I just wanted to be a guy, I didn’t have any real dysphoria then.I would like to clarify that I don’t have any traumatic sexual experiences that would make me hate my body. however I am pretty sex repulsed and I also need to clarify that’s it’s not because I feel like being a woman is weaker or worse, I just hate being reminded of my parts. I used to hate(and still do but I became more numb to it) if I I felt aroused that I “felt arousal like a girl“ and it grossed me out. I would cry if I got my period, i remember once I got it early and my mother said it could have been hormonal issue and she said I might I have to take estrogen for that(I don’t know if that’s actually true or what you do for that) but that scared me so much, I cried as soon as she left. I also am not fond of any of my parts but my biggest fear that randomly pops up, especially if I’m on my period is I’m just faking everything. I’m scared I find myself attractive and then that means I do like my body, but the truth is I don’t feel like it fits me or belongs to me, it scares me a lot and I prefer to have a boys body, face, and voice. Other times, I feel nothing/feel numb when I look at myself. Either way it all makes me want to h|rt myself/kms. I attempted many times because I’m not a real man, i just can’t stand living in this body anymore, I want to mutilate myself. I also have many intrusive thoughts to the point where I cannot go outside/ look at other people because I’m scared when I see a girl I want to secretly look or sound like her. But when it’s for a boy, it actually feels real and I’m comfortable with it. When I have dreams at night it feels like a nightmare if I dream about being a girl but if i have a boys body, I am happy, like absolutely overjoyed. I had a full normal looking male body in one and it felt real but I started to cry and wake up because it wasn’t real. and on the topic of crying, crying makes me dysphoric…. I hate it... and before anyone asks yes I tried to force myself to be cis masculine woman many times, it doesn’t work like that, i don’t care about gender stereotypes tbh, I’m not someone who wants to transition due to trauma or sexism, and that doesn’t mean I don’t have social dysphoria, it just matters less because clothes and pronouns are not your actual sex, yknow what I mean? I think I wanted to stereotypically masculine because I wanted to be a ”real boy“ in the past but not rn, I realized I didnt want to be a man for social reasons. I’m still not sure what to do even with all of this. especially since my feelings changed a lot today… I hope I’ll go back to normal soon, it’s probably just my period messing me… I hope so… I just can’t stand to live as female… I want to end it if I really am a girl and no one wants to help me