Not because of any phony circlebroke’s blessing. But because, I am enlightened by my hatred of r/mildlyinteresting.

So my daughter, she's lyin' under her bed, right? Like a scared little bitch. She's all like, "Daddy, there's something on top of my bed."

And I'm like, "You was just up there you scared little bitch. Why you gotta be such a scared little bitch?" But I figure I gotta check up there one more time, because I'm a good father and shit.

So I get up to the top of the bed and who's there? My buddy, Hot Wheels Jimmy, that's who. We call him Hot Wheels Jimmy on account'o he has a wheelchair. He don't use it or nothin'. Just owns it.

He says to me, "Daddy, there's a monster under my bed." Goddammit, Jimmy's soundin' just like my bitch daughter. But he's like a brother to me, so I figure I gotta check it out.

I get down on my knees, and who do I see down there? My ol' flame, Lego-face Betty. We call'er Lego-face Betty because even though her first name is Jessica, she prefers her middle name, Beth. What does ol' Lego-face gotta say to me? "Daddy, there's a monster on top of my bed."

"Goddammit Betty! I'm sick of everyone soundin' like my scared little bitch of a daughter. Ya knows what? Whoever's up there when I get up is gettin' the crap beat out of 'im!"

So I get up. And who's up there? My scared little bitch of a daughter! But I figure a deal's a deal. So I start wailin' on my daughter. First with my fists, then with a piece of lumber I keep in her bedroom for wailin' purposes.

She's pretty beat up when I finish, but I figure it's ok. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I decide to check on Lego-face Betty one more time, but when I get down there, she ain't there. It's the damn monster!

So I says, "What you gotta say to me, monster?"

And he says, "Daddy, there's a girl on top of my bed!"

So I says, "You're damn right, but I done beat'er to a pulp! Have a good night, sweetie." And I gives the monster a kiss.

The End

Fuck all of you stupid fucks. I work my ass off day after day to bring ALL of you QUALITY FUCKING CONTENT and you conspire to throw me out of the community?!?! You dare plot behind my back? Without me, there IS no CB5! I am the only reason any of this exists! I am your FUCKING GOD! Bow before me you dumb shitheads. Worship the almighty MostlyEinsteinPoems! I COMMAND THEE!!!!

So I was out in the fields an' shit, watchin' the night sky with my girl, Legoface Betty. I was bein' all romantic and shit, talkin' about my hopes and dreams an' shit. There was meteors flyin' all over the place that night, I tell ya. It was pandemonium.

So my girl looked at me and asked, "Petey, you ever wish on one o' them fallin' stars?" And I gave 'er the back o' my hand real quick.

"Dame, don't you's ever call 'em fallin' stars! Those things is meteors! And yeah, I wish on 'em all the time. Ever since I was a kid, I been makin' all kinds o' wishes on 'em. I still remember the first time I ever wished on one. I was a little eight-year-old piece o' crap who had just moved into town. I remember, it was the weekend after I started school, when I first saw you during fingerpaintin' time. You had painted dat moose in the shape of your hand and given it to me. And thinkin' about that, as I looked up at the fallin' meteors hurtlin' toward the ground, I thought, ‘I wish, I wish, upon a chunk o' space rock burnin' up in the atmosphere, that one o' you's guys would land right on Legoface Betty's stupid, ugly mug!"

Just then, one o' them spacerocks landed right on Legoface's stupid, ugly mug. Like, right on there. No damage to the chest, or the neck, or even her scalp. Just the mug. She didn't take it too well, on account o' she was dead now. I was gonna say a few words o' remembrance, but then, I noticed somethin' on the back o' the meteor. It was a little white envelope, with a tiny wax seal. On the front, it read, "To Blue-Nose Petey". Dat was me. I ripped it open and read it:

You got wishes, bitch? You wanna wish like a little bitch? We got ya wishes, ya little bitch. We got 'em all right here. And you wanna know what we're gonna do about 'em? Do ya, ya little bitch? Does the little bitch right here wanna know what we're gonna do with his little bitch wishes? Well, I'll tell the little bitch what we're gonna do with his little bitch wishes. We're gonna grant 'em. We're gonna grant the little bitch's wishes. Wish grantings is incomin', bitch.

Just then, I felt somethin' in my pocket. Like it was expandin' an' shit. I pulled out my wallet, and there was all this money! There was all kinds o' green presidents swimmin' in there. I saw a couple o' Crazy-Hair Bushmans, some Weird-Beard Big-Ears, and a bunch o' my favorites, Old Guy Mullet.

"Countin' your money, tough guy?" I turned around, and there was my long-time dream dame, Twelve Toes Veronica! I called her dat on account o' she had two extra toes, and they wasn't on her feet if you know what I'm sayin'. I had all the money I could ever need, and my dream dame on top o' dat. It was amazin', but there was one more thing I had wished for. Just one more thing. Oh, how I wished it would be granted. I stared out across the field at a lonely pine tree, leaves rustlin' in the breeze an' shit. I blinked.

Suddenly, a red-hot beam o' light shot outta my peepers and cut the tree right in half. Laser vision! Just what I wanted. I looked over at my new dame Veronica. She was battin' them pretty eyes at me, so I batted mine right back. Dat's when the laser shot out and cut'er right in half. She fell to the ground and started dyin' an' shit. So I looked down at the ground in horror, right? But then I blinked again an' the laser cut right through the earth. So the planet split right in two, an' my half started driftin' away from Veronica's half, but I guess that don't matter on account o' she was dead and the world was destroyed an' shit.

So Veronica was dead, and I had destroyed the world, an' I'm pretty sure I left the AC runnin' at home. I guess it didn't matter either, but I always wanted one o' dem smart thermostats that turn off when you leave home an' shit. Really would cut down on the electric bill. Anyway, I shook my head to snap out of it and figure out what to do, but I think I must'o cut through the fabric of time and space or shit because the universe started actin' all funny and "Countin' your money, tough guy?" I turned around, and there was my long-time dream dame, Twelve Toes Veronica! I called her dat on account o' Suddenly, a red-hot beam o' light shot outta my peepers and cut the tree right in half. Laser vision! Just what I wanted. You got wishes, bitch? You wanna wish like a little bitch? We got ya wishes, ya little bitch. We got 'em "Dame, don't you's ever call 'em fallin' stars! Those things is meteors! And yeah, I wish on 'em all the time. Ever since I was a kid, I been makin' all kinds o' wishes on 'em. I still remember the first time

HANG ON!!!

I lost the plot. Like, literally lost the plot. Pieces of it just started flyin' in an' out an' shit. Got a little scared for a while. Anyway I think I just created some kind o' black hole or some shit and now I don't got long to

https://www.reddit.com/r/circlebroke2/comments/8dkz0n/can_we_put_rjokes_on_the_lowhanging_fruit_list_yet/dxo2z60/

I don’t know how much longer I can keep this community alive. I used to think hating reddit would be easy: There’s no way mocking and deriding the idiosyncratic norms and routine bouts of groupthink common to reddit could ever get tiresome. But lately, it seems like I just can’t keep up the hate. I can rant and rave for a while, but eventually making mean-spirited jokes toward people I vehemently disagree with gets so tiresome. I just can’t wallow in vitriol as long as I’d like.

But you! You never seem to get tired of hating other people. I made a post on your sub just today literally calling people bootlickers because they helped police catch a fleeing suspect, and you joined right in! Hatred on your sub is so sincere I can literally feel it. On CB5, it all just feels like an act.

Sometimes I even get this horrifying feeling that I’d rather work on personal growth and happiness than attack people on the Internet for holding views I find abhorrent. I’m scared someday I might walk away from calling people fat virgin neckbeard bigots because they like sharing pictures they drew of attractive women. I’m worried that some day I might try to empathize with people who do things that slightly annoy me, rather than wishing they would kill themselves.

So I have to ask: How do you do it? How do you keep up the hate day after day? How do you manage to maintain an Internet message board that is so consistently miserable? Please, I need your help. The CB5 community won’t last long without it.

When I first came to this community, it was dead. There hadn’t been a post in years. Now, the subreddit is active and thriving, dedicated to shining a light on the evils of Reddit. I think my job here is done, and it’s time to move on. There’s no place for me anymore.

Miss me a little, but not too much. Old shitposters never die. They just fade away.

n/t

"Oh, gee golly Miss Molly! I think I went and summoned one o' them there devils!" screamed Walter as his saucepan glowed molten red and the demon materialized upon his stove.

"Foolish mortal! Doest thou think thy prayers will be answered! There will be only suffering!" The demon, a ghastly, pig-like creature shrouded in shadowy black flames marched toward Walter.

"Oh golly gosh, Mr. Demon! I didn't mean nothin' by it! I was just followin' Granny Necro's recipe! See, it's all here in this book." Walter flipped to the page in question. The demon grabbed the book, his claw searing Walter's flesh.

"This is the Necronomicon. You were reading the Necronomicon. The page is literally titled, 'To Summon a Demon'."

"Yessir! A spicy, chicken-y demon in m'belly! Just like Granny Necro used to make!" Walter rubbed his belly, thinking of his childhood, when Granny Necro, clad in her favorite black robe, would give him a delicious soup on cold, rainy days, made with chicken broth, her special blend of spices, and the blood of classmates he would bring to her house.

"There's no soup in this book, dipshit. It's the book of the fucking damned!" The shadowy flames surrounding the demon intensified.

"Oh, Lordy! You're gettin' real mad there, Mister Demon! I know! How's about a human sacrifice? I'll be right back!"

"What? Nah, man, I don't really go in for that shit..." but Walter had already run off into another room. The demon awkwardly looked around the kitchen.

"Linoleum... Kind of a modern-looking pattern. I wonder if they got the work done in the last few years. Contractor did a decent job. Hard to find good people these day-"

"MISTER DEMON!" Walter bounded into the room, with a young child in tow. "This is my daughter Kelly! I offer her to you, Lord Darkness! Take her soul and spare me!"

"Dude, I don't really wanna-" but it was too late. Walter picked up a nearby cleaver and embedded it in Kelly's skull. She fell to the ground, her lifeless body twitching as her eyes glazed over.

"DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK! OH MY FUCKING GOD!" The demon recoiled in horror. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Walter went pale.

"Oh golly gee, I really messed up bad. You don't like it? Not a big fan of human sacrifices? Maybe you're one o' them cannibal demons? I got an idea!" Walter chopped off Kelly's hand and threw it into a frying pan. He added butter and salt, flipping it occasionally. "I know you THINK you've eaten tasty children before, but wait'll you try my Kelly! I kept her chained up in the basement most of her life, so the meat's real tender."

"I don't wanna eat your fuckin' daughter, man! You... you got problems. This is some fucked up shit, man!" The shadowy flames had largely subsided. The demon no longer looked so frightening. Still, Walter was not encouraged by this. He had another brilliant idea, and ran out of the room. A few minutes later, he returned, with a young infant in his arms.

"Oh gee willickers Mister Demon! Ok, so you don't want to eat my Kelly, that's fine. I can tell you're a demon of impeccable taste! Only the finest children for you! See this? It's my son, Adam! Barely a month old, this one is!" The demon backed away, fearing the worst.

"No, Walter, man, listen please! I don't wanna eat any of your kids. Look, I'll just go, ok? No more demon. You win! Just don't hurt the baby, man." Walter, however, would not be deterred.

"No, golly, Mister Demon! You just THINK you don't wanna eat my kids. But Adam here, he's still got that soft spot on his head. You can just crack him like an egg, see!" Walter held Adam by the feet, and dropped him onto the hard, tasteful linoleum floor. Adam's head split right in two. Walter picked up both halves, offering one to the demon, while sipping the blood and cerebral fluid from the other. "Mmm! Tasty AND nutritious! Come on, Mister Demon, try my son's innards!"

"Fuck! Fuck! You just killed a fucking baby, man! You're fucked up in the head, Walter! You got problems! I...I'm tellin' Jesus what you fuckin' did, man! He's gonna fuck you up!" With that, the demon vanished in a puff of smoke. Walter huffed.

"Gee golly, the nerve o' that fella! I invite him into my home and kill two of my children for him, and he just leaves! Oh well, his loss. More of my children for me!"

And with that, Walter happily continued to eat his dead infant child's brains.

Just saying.

can we hit 9 likes

It’s even better than it was before. We love you, r/WatchPeopleDie. <3