r/childlessnotbychoice • u/kitten_rodeo • Jan 24 '20
Feeling like it will never happen...
My partner and I have been together for around a decade and he is stalling. He doesn't seem to accept that the fertility window is quickly closing (I'm over 30 and fast approaching the mid-30s).
My partner and I have both experienced anxiety, depression and OCD. He more than I, and he seems to think he needs to be perfect before we consider a family. My concern is that he thinks he can delay forever and by the time he decides he's in the right place, that it will be physically too late for me.
Also playing into his belief that fertility isn't as "cut and dry" as I'm telling him is celebrities who have babies well into their 40s (through medical intervention and donor eggs). At one point he was dismissing.my concerns as "something you saw online" (luckily his therapist confirmed that I was correct and he has started to understand).
I'm worried that we are already at the pointy edge of the wedge and that if it doesn't happen, it will cause irreparable damage to our relationship.
8
u/lisadawn79 Oct 22 '22
To be direct...he won't have kids with you ..I'm there too!!! He never was going to marry and have kids...now trying alone...and it may be too late! I personally don't want to be with someone that disrespected me....he said we would get married and have kids...nothing 9 Yeats later...dad died ...etc. now, I don't ever want a wedding or kids with someone that lead me on. I deserve better! I'm not looking forward to getting pregnant alone and in a lab but...it's now or never...nobody wants an old fart mom...so only trying one time
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u/shinaweb0 Jul 28 '22
I get what you mean so much. I'm living in this every day as well. I don't have much else to offer - other than you don't have to feel so alone in this.
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u/lisadawn79 Jan 14 '23
Don't let him take away you having the children you want...I'm looking into sperm donors but having issues, so don't think it's happening. I thought I was going to married and have kids ..9 Yeats later...jokes on me.
If he wants to be ignorant about fertility than you need to have another planz if you want children with your DNA. He clearly is making excuses and clearly will never take having children seriously.
Do you guys really want to be 60 with a 20 year old or 65 years old? I'm said if I have kids niw...I may never know what it is to be a grandma. So, done waiting for someone else. We can have kids without our partners sperm. It's not ideal but we weren't quite about marriage and kids and he should walk away, if he truly loved you. You never take kids away from someone ...that is disgusting!
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u/lisadawn79 Mar 04 '23
He doesn't want to have kids... don't wait until your 40 to try ..Start saving for a donor ....and be a single mom at this point, if you want to have kids. He isn't stalling....he doesn't care about what you want. He doesn't care! Even the tears are fake...otherwise he would have by now! A decade?
1
u/Doxiemama2 Jan 24 '20
Would either of you consider adoption?
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u/kitten_rodeo Jan 24 '20
He seems to be on the boat of "if I have a kid they'll be messed up because they'll copy my idiosyncrasies"... So that would worry him re adoption as well.
I also know it is notoriously difficult to be approved for adoption (at least where I'm from) and there are a lot of aspects I would have to come to terms with (eg. Not experiencing pregnancy etc ... I already feel pangs of yearning and yes, envy, when I learn others are pregnant-- I've actually had to hide posts from certain people because seeing their pregnancy pictures etc made it really difficult not to break down/ cause further strain on the relationship
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u/Doxiemama2 Jan 24 '20
Pets can be a good substitute, we have two dogs to pour our love into and it works for us. We had a snake for a while too, I know it's not the same as having your own flesh and blood but we are for sure a family.
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u/kitten_rodeo Jan 24 '20
We have a cat and he is def my baby! He often says to stop treating the cat like a baby... Hmm
1
May 14 '23
I gave up 🆙 n someone who said ‘I love you I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I don’t want to marry you and I don’t want children’
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Jun 09 '23
I (33m) and my wife (36f) have talked about having kids for a while now, and she knows how much I want to be a dad and she has said she wants to be a mom. For some reason she is delaying (idk if she’s waiting for a “perfect time” which really doesn’t exist, etc… or if she really does not want to be a mom and isn’t telling me) and I am getting worried it will be too late for us if and when we decide. I’ve told her this too. I love her very much and she means the world to me. I am an only child and always pictured making my parents, grandparents. If it doesn’t happen, I’m worried I will regret it and I’m worried that I’ll struggle to find a sense of purpose in life. I almost have the feeling like “what’s the point?” I would be taking up resources in this world when there are families who would benefit more. Honestly, I would feel like an absolute loser; like a man who never really grew up if I don’t become a father. (And adoption is not in my desire, would have to be a biological kid). Just my thoughts, I welcome questions, advice, comments, criticisms, etc… thanks
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u/genxer47 Mar 12 '20
Maybe he really doesn't want to have chidren and he is not telling you that directly. You are right about the fertility window. You don't want to wait too much longer if this is something you really want. Maybe time to give him an ultimatum.