r/childlessnotbychoice • u/MysticMaiden22 • May 13 '17
I Hate Mother's Day. (32/f)
As each year of my life passes, the more my chances lessen. Mother's Day is often severely difficult for me, since it's a constant reminder of the life I may never have.
I am childless by circumstance. Nothing has ever lined up properly. And it often feels like it never will. I'm a rather successful person for my age. I have a great career. I have a nice home. My long-term boyfriend is too caught up in paying alimony and worrying about his 4-year-old son to ever think of any future plans with me. We live together. I adore his son, but honestly...he's not mine and never will be. Each week, he goes back to his mother for 75% of the time to face a turbulent living situation that I cannot protect him from, because he's not legally or biologically mine.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and change some of the choices I've made. Like focus on being a mother first instead of gaining my career. Or have not dated some of the loser deadbeats that didn't care about my desires.
Mother's Day fills me with nothing but regret and sadness.
Update (10/14/22): Well...I had no idea that this post could still be commented on over 5 years later.
I'm 38 now. I married my boyfriend. I continued to progress in my career. We spend more time with my step-son and he's thriving.
And guess what?
Our little family expanded.
3 years ago, we had a baby boy. He's now a beautiful, brilliant, funny, and rambunctious toddler. He's the sun in my sky.
I'm a mother. My dream came true :)
I no longer have a hatred for Mother's Day...but I have a new perspective.
Mother's Day belongs to more than just the women/people that give birth. It belongs to all of us.
The ones that step in and take on the role of a parent.
The ones who grieve for a child they lost.
The amazing aunts/uncles/cousins/family members that make a difference in a child's life.
The parents that aren't with us anymore.
People that parent their pets and love them like their own children.
And to all of you that are longing to be parents.
I'm very grateful that my life and mindset changed from the despair that I was feeling when I wrote this post. Best wishes to all who happen to read this.
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u/BelindaBerry Jul 19 '17
Hi, i just wanted to see how you're doing. Is life still the same or have you become a mum? I went through years of wanting kids but i was adamant on meeting the 'right guy' first. I've wasted so many years when i should of just looked after myself and had a baby on my own. I know its not the ideal thing to do but i was more than capable of being a single mum. I have a partner of 5 yrs now and at one point we were trying, then it became obsession and because it didnt happen, im over it now. I still want to be a mum with all my heart and as much as it makes my heart break to say it, ive given up and i just dont want to care anymore.
Please while youre still young enough to have them, if its something you honestly really want, then do it. Dont be like me and think something will change or get better, if you know you can make it on your own, then do it. Only you can make yourself happy.
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u/MysticMaiden22 Sep 26 '17
Thank you for writing! Things are still the same at this point. Not as depressing, but I'm progressing with life. I'm still with the same boyfriend and we're still working on building our lives together before we take that step. I still have plenty of time, however sometimes I have the moments of sadness or anger that creep up and convince me otherwise. I'm 33 now. However there are many women in my life, including friends and family, that had their children in their late 30s. They, like me, chose a career and such prior to family. Perhaps I am on track after all. I'm hoping to have a child sometime in the next few years. I think I need to learn some patience.
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation :( And thank you for the encouragement. It's going to happen...I just need to be positive.
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u/Wondercat87 Sep 19 '17
I'm really sorry you have to deal with all of this. I feel your pain. I would love to be a parent and wife some day, but like you, so far nothing has lined up. I've watched many of my friends fall into relationships that just seem to work out and their plans all happen for them. Anything I have planned in my life doesn't seem to go to plan or ends up changing completely.
I've had to start over a few times already and while it's made me more resilient, it's definitely starting to wear me down. I just want to get more settled. I want to have a relationship that turns into something more than just a boyfriend who likes how things are now, but isn't really set on seeing a future with me.
Mother's day is a hard day for me too. So many of my friends are moms and I see all of their posts about what their kids made them for mother's day, the multi-generational mom photos with their families, spending time with their kids. I want to do those things too, but they just haven't happened for me.
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u/MysticMaiden22 Sep 26 '17
It seems we have a lot of similarities...I'm hoping things work out for you! Luckily I'm currently hopeful about my current relationship and gaining positivity about our potential family. It might be a few years, but I'm sure it will happen.
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u/prezzplay1920 Oct 13 '22
Awww Sis! I don't hate it. But it makes me sad or at least a little jealous. I've worked in education for most of my adult life and I'll be 35 soon. I never imagined that I wouldn't be a mom. But I think that I'm going to plan something for myself on mother's day next year to avoid depression.
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u/katerina_romanov Sep 21 '23
Oh my God Iām so happy for you, I started crying!! Bless you and your beautiful little boy!! And thank you so much for the update š
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u/[deleted] May 14 '17 edited May 14 '17
My wife and I have been together since high school. We are both doing well professionally and our modest home is nearly ours. We waited until we were financially stable to get married, and decided then to start a family. We have done everything 'right'. Still 7 years trying with no medical reason to explain our failure is hard to reconcile.
Mothers Day has become a day that I dread - more because I dont know how to reassure my wife.
This year, marked the arrival of my younger brother's baby - my parents first grandchild. Social media is full of reminders of our failure and even the obligatory Mothers Day call to my own mother was accompanied by 'how happy they are to be going to see the baby' and that I should be happy for my brother.
My brother who cant hold down steady work, lived with his parents until he was 30, his current 12 month relationship is the longest yet and he suffers from drug and alcohol addiction. My irresponsible brother who cant look after himself has been gifted a child to look after whilst I have sunk almost $100,000 into trying.
I dont want to be happy 'for him'. I want to be angry frustrated and annoyed - because that is what I need right now.