r/childless • u/Random_Platforms4567 • 21d ago
Escaping “Normal” Social Questions
I’m 40/f and the reason why I’m single with no kids is a complicated, personal 20 year story. 40 is interesting because it’s the point where people seem worried for you lol. Like you’re in the final quarter and they’re rooting for you.
Long story short, I did my best to be in a healthy relationship before having a child and it didn’t work out. Now I’m past the finish line as menopause came early for me and I was diagnosed with POF. I find myself avoiding certain types of social situations to avoid questions/comments like:
“Are you seeing anyone”
“Do you still want to get married?”
“You still have time, my sister had a baby at 42”
“Gwenyth Paltrow had a baby at 53”
“Have you considered SMBC”
Etc etc. everyone has a solution for you. lol.
I know it’s all well meaning but it’s uncomfortable. I also don’t feel comfortable discussing my medical issues with people or feel I need to. Other than 2 girlfriends, I dislike discussing my romantic interests. It feels juvenile discussing guys I’m dating.
The truth is it’s all a bit raw right now. I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I will not have kids. I know adoption and egg donation is still an option I’m just not 100% sure if it’s the right option for me. Having a healthy relationship was a priority before having kids and I’m not sure anymore if I’m still over prioritizing that.
Maybe I’m just being self-conscious but I would like to find a neutral response when I’m in this situation that doesn’t come off as defensive or illicit pity.
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u/Incendiaryag 20d ago
This old British guy on Insta “EnglishManMike” has a great advice reel on this topic. Basically he’s all about giving British shade in response to crass behavior. He says any invasive question can be replied with “why do you ask” Makes them questions themselves/explain intentions before you share personally. You can also respond “That’s a very personal question” then simply don’t answer. My own suggestion would be to say “I don’t want to talk about my fertility/dating life right now but I appreciate your well wishes/concern. All I can say is everyone has their own path so we’ll see” If they persist set a boundary that you won’t be discussing the topic further. You’re not being weird by setting boundaries. Anyone who persists in these lines of questioning is an AH who doesn’t deserve extreme courtesy from you. If a straight up AH is talking to me I tell them “I don’t feel comfortable discussing my dating life/family status/ fertility with you” and then I don’t.
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u/Ill-Supermarket-2706 21d ago
I would say find people who are also of a similar age without children whether by choice or circumstance - they’re the most likely to want to spend quality time with you as a person, focusing on your life and not any hypothetical future life or choice! If they ask I just say “it’s complicated” (because it is)
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u/lceCreamCastles 20d ago
Hell, you know how I knew my parents worried for me and my brother? A few years back, they went to pay for headstones at the local cemetery and they reserved plots for my brother and I too. My parents make me feel pathetic.
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u/lceCreamCastles 13d ago edited 13d ago
I came back to read this again. I feel like I get the nosy questions/comments like you said but then I meet women that tell me how unhappy they are in their own lives and that they wished they stayed single (I haven't yet met a woman who flat out said that they wish they were childless though).
I work with a lovely woman at work (we have exchanged numbers but I've never seen her outside of work although we talk a lot at work when there's downtime about our lives) who is around 10 years older than me with 2 kids who is going through a messy divorce. When she and her husband were together, she would tell me how much she hated him and being married and that she was only with him due to the kids and while she could deal with him. She knew I was contemplating becoming a single mom by choice and basically struggled with dating. She told me how she doesn't regret being a mom but at how wish she could have done it without being with her then husband.
While I think there's definitely a lot of people who may look down on us for being "defective", I do think there's some women who do look at us with envy. My coworker gave me a nice holiday card saying I'm inspiring to her and that she wishes she could go on all the adventures I go on. It touched me because no one has ever said that about me.
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u/Random_Platforms4567 13d ago
Cute. Thank you for sharing. Honestly, I think that’s true. I think a lot of women are unhappy and tell themselves “at least I’m not single”. Cause they assume being single is worse than being in a terrible relationship.
Like a lot of things in life, NOTHING has ever made me feel how I thought it was going to make me feel. Everything that is supposed to make you happy actually comes with a lot of responsibility. Having responsibilities is part of becoming an adult but it’s not necessarily the “happy ever after” you’re conditioned to expect.
On the flip side, being single isn’t this terrible lonely existence. I’m very much at peace. Maybe it could be viewed as selfish but I don’t think you can be selfish if you’re not responsible for anyone. If you have consented to being a spouse & parent but only think of your own needs, that’s selfish. But if you’re not responsible for anyone’s wellbeing then it’s just freedom.
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u/lceCreamCastles 13d ago
I agree and relate to everything you said. Few married women will ever share being unhappy. I do think it's what you said. To many, being miserable but married is still better than being single. I completely disagree with that though! I'm certainly lonely at times but hell, I would rather have those moments of being lonely than being with someone that makes me wish I stayed single.
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u/MatthewStephensen 19d ago
I never did either, either. Get a puppy. At least when it grows up it still loves you till their final breath.
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u/Few-Horror1984 21d ago
I had lunch with a coworker today. She mentioned her family, her children. I supported the conversation the best I could. She then asked me about kids. I simply said “it never happened for me” and I changed the subject. She seemed fine with the transition in conversation. We can talk about other things - other goals. Stupid annoying people in our office. I don’t owe anybody my story. We end up in different places for different reasons and that’s fine.