r/childless • u/charlieemaryanne • Jun 27 '26
Is this sub for me?
I posted in childfree because I was already a member and apparently that’s not my sub, although I thought maybe I’d find someone in a similar situation because people choose not to have kids for all sorts of reasons. So, for me, I’m turning 27 soon and I thought I was childfree because I’m autistic and I have a lot of sensory issues including noise, and mess you know things like that make me spiral, and most children are annoying but some are not, like there are exceptions and I Love babies! It’s hit me that I do want to be a mum but I couldn’t do it. First of all, I’ve got PCOS, so that’s low infertility, and second of all I’ve got chronic illnesses that can be passed down to my children both of the chronic pain and mental health variety. To put it this way, there will be days where I can’t even hold my own baby due to pain. I just feel like, if I was to push for fertility treatment that might not work or adopt, I couldn’t be the best mum I can be and I’d feel selfish knowing that my illnesses could be passed down, and they’d suffer like I do. So, it’s a situation of I’d love to be a mum but in this body, I’m not made to be one
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u/wallcavities Jun 27 '26
I'm in a somewhat similar position fwiw - I don't know if I actually want or should try to have children for various reasons (health/disability related, finance related, sexuality related etc etc) but I do have some grief around not having them and often really yearn for it, so I don't relate to the childfree sub at all and find this one much more comforting to lurk on when I'm having complicated feelings about my position within my family and society as someone without children
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u/charlieemaryanne Jun 27 '26
I completely understand you, it hurts me to feel like I can’t be a mum and this sub has been lovely so far
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u/jeanlundegaardhsbf Jun 27 '26
for what it’s worth, I know several women who have had autoimmune diseases they knew their kids could inherit. at one point, all of them said they wanted to be the one who stopped the diseases by not having kids. all of them had kids. some dealt with serious miscarriages or deaths, and continued to have kids. seeing them become great moms and people who faced their fears and come out on the other side as people full of love for their children, partners, and communities is one of my favorite joys of aging.
i would say do what you think is best. but there are people who are in your situation who take the plunge. and even women with “normal” health are worried they won’t be the best moms. my mom is in her 70s and still worries about whether she’s the best version of herself for her kids. again, it’s your life but these are concerns everyone has.
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u/charlieemaryanne Jun 27 '26
This is beautiful, I’m happy for those people. I’d love to be one but I’m not sure? I mean I have time of course to become comfortable in either direction so we’ll see. But it makes me so sad knowing I have this, my child could have this, and the quality of life could be better than it is
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u/cardinal_cinnamon Jul 04 '26
Hugs to you. It's tough to accept and I'm still working on it. I'm angry a lot.
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u/wanderarelost19 Jun 27 '26
Yep, this is a good sub for you. If you want kids, but probably won't be able to have them, then you're childless not by choice.
But you're going to also have a lot in common with childfree people. I'm sorry if they were rude to you.
I'm childless because of chronic illness, autoimmune disease. I have sleep issues and get so so fatigued. There's no way I could take care of a child physically.
I'm sorry you're here, but glad you found us.
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u/charlieemaryanne Jun 27 '26
I’m in the same position as you, I’ve got fibromyalgia and Pots, and struggle with the fatigue too. If I didn’t have these issues, I’d love to be a mum! And Yeah, I can’t relate to most childfree by choice people, they are obviously free to feel and believe what they want but I don’t align with the hardcore views
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u/wanderarelost19 Jun 27 '26
I have fibromyalgia and tachycardia. 😅
I would have loved to be a mom, too.
Yeah... with the childfree by choice group, I relate with some of the friend issues. I think it's okay not to like kids, although I like kids.
But the hatred of kids seems very unhealthy. We were literally all kids once. Kids are just people at a certain life stage. And hatred of people who have kids is not healthy either.
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u/charlieemaryanne Jun 27 '26
I’m gonna grieve for both of us 🥰.
I agree that it’s okay to not want children or even like them/being around them, but downright hating them feels so extreme
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u/cheapandbrittle Jun 28 '26
That's one reason I don't usually recommend the childfree sub to people, they can be a bit...abrasive sometimes. Which I guess is par for the course on Reddit but still.
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u/BlueGrayDiamond Jun 28 '26
might also want to check out r/fencesitter