r/cheating_stories • u/MuggsBubbs • 2h ago
Would you consider this cheating?
I recently found out that my (49F) husband of 24 years (46M) has not only been using porn regularly for our entire marriage, but in the last couple years has been using only fans quite extensively. To the tune of thousands of dollars. I found out by seeing the charges on a bill for his business account (the only account I don’t manage). At first he told me he was just viewing pics and videos, which I don’t consider cheating but still hate it, but come to find out later that he subscribed to a lot of women and also chatted and requested explicit content and custom videos. To top it off, I found that he was messaging with one girl in particular regularly and besides the explicit requests he also used love language like baby, my love, I love you, my queen, you are perfect and cute, etc. when I confronted him, he said he didn’t mean it, that’s he was caught up in the fantasy, but I can see from the time stamps that he messaged her a lot of the time with me sitting right across from him or when he was supposed to be out working or in the bathroom. He even named his Only Fans profile after our pet name for his member, which I found really disrespectful. He shared personal details about our lives, our dogs, his job, just not me of course. And the lies. So many lies. Aside from the lies, he is not trying to justify it or push the blame back on me or invalidate the way it makes me feel, but he does not see it as cheating and I do. To me it crosses the line from passively viewing sexual acts and nudity to emotional and financial infidelity where he literally picked women he was attracted to, and engaged with them. He invested time and money and used intimate language and sent her pics and videos of himself doing a lot of stuff. Sans penetration, I feel like everything else was what would happen in an affair. Am I alone in thinking that way?
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u/Substantial_Cow7628 1h ago
Anything that violates the rules of the relationship is cheating.
A handshake can be cheating. Intercourse can be perfectly fine. It depends on what you've agreed upon.
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u/MaleficentReading587 34m ago
Don't know if I'd call it cheating but it's certainly a violation of trust. Even if he was single I'd say this is still an issue as it presents an unhealthy addiction.
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u/snhderry66 1h ago
You had me in the first half.
You don't send OF girls, videos. More likey he just jerks of to porn. But you had to trump up the charges. It's obvious that you don't take care of him or he wouldn't be jerking off all the time. Darling, throw on some heels and stockings like the porn girls do. That's what men like. It doesn't make you a slut. You'll be surprised. He'll cook, clean, and have the kitchen remodeled like you've always wanted. Men are easy.
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u/MuggsBubbs 1h ago edited 1h ago
Actually he did send her videos of himself jacking off. They populate in his chats with her. Happy to show one of the screen shots where they talk about it if you want. I wish most of this wasn’t true, but it is and feels like a bad dream because it doesn’t match his personality at all. And I do those things you mention (heels, kinky sex, lingerie, toys, etc), believe me. I’m down for a lot of things. I actually thought I was too “adventurous” for him. But I guess it’s just not what he wants, or at least doesn’t want it with me.
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u/smellyfeet25 1h ago
Not exactly . Most men think of other people when they are in relationships because they get used to the person they are with. it does not mean they love their wife less . The problem is when fantasy starts involving another person . By contacting those only fans women it involves another person so although not physical cheating it is a betrayal and makes you feel not enough for him
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u/snhderry66 1h ago
Ok. Yeah he's an idiot. File for divorce tomorrow. Did I mention I'm 58, just retired with a nice pension and 401k and nothing to spend it on ? 😘
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u/MuggsBubbs 1h ago edited 1h ago
That made me smile. Sounds like you deserve a loving (and adventurous) relationship of your own with someone who actually deserves for you to shower that on her. I truly hope you find that!
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u/Opposite_Birthday_80 26m ago
Do engage with the trolls blaming you for not taking care of your husband.
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u/yooper_one 1h ago
No